What does it all mean & spiritual awakening. Kyley has a drug free psychedelic trip. She trips on “mushrooms”—without taking any drugs Eva and Kyley dissect what the hell happened
What does it all mean & spiritual awakening. Kyley has a drug free psychedelic trip. She trips on “mushrooms”—without taking any drugs Eva and Kyley dissect what the hell happened
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Kyley's Instagram: @kyleycaldwell
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Eva: [00:00:00] so you all learned for treat? We got a two-parter for you. Yeah. You know, when there's a two-parter, it's real good. Like there's, it's just because there was like, it, it it's inch. I don't even, I'm like patting ourselves on the back, but it's
Kyley: impossible to have contained this into one episode.
Yeah. Um, so. The other day on my solo retreat, I had what can only be described as like a mushroom trip or a psychedelic experience without taking any drugs. Yeah, super mystical, super transformational, super. Just fucking [00:01:00] cool. Um, and obviously the only person in the universe that I really wanted to digest this with is our very own eva, so we did that.
Yeah.
Eva: And this conversation, I mean, first of all, like I can't wait for you guys listeners to dive in. 'cause like there's this, there's obviously gonna be a part where there, where you're like, that sounds bananas and it is bananas. And I think that's what makes this just like all the more interesting. But also, God, this conversation is just filled with nuggets of wisdom and ahas and takeaways that I think, um, were quite profound if I do say so.
Yeah,
Kyley: I'm really, of any episode that we've ever released, I'm perhaps the most excited to hear what people. Receive from this one. Yeah. Yeah. So, uh, super excited to hear what your takeaways are or how it lands for you or
Eva: if
Kyley: you've
Eva: also had a drug trip without drugs. Yeah. Um, and this is just like, this, like the topic of consciousness which we dive into was like also just like [00:02:00] my wheelhouse.
I love talking about this stuff. So it was such a treat for me. And, um, couple of things. This is gonna be a two part. Yeah. So, so, so we're gonna break this up, but at the end of both episodes, we're gonna do a snippet, right? Yes. Of Kylie's recording, of how about you explain it. So
Kyley: I
Eva: have this
Kyley: experience. And I'm, and I think that it's over.
And I was messaging with my friend Vanessa Love, past podcast guest, and I'm like, something insane has just happened. And so I call her to tell her the story and quickly realized that I'm actually still high as a fucking guy. And so we record the conversation for posterity's sake, and it's mostly me laughing and recounting like intimate conversations with the laughing Buddha statue in the Airbnb.
Yeah. So if you would like to hear a tidbit of stoned [00:03:00] Kylie contemplating the meaning of life, you have to listen all the way to the end. Yeah. All right folks. I hope you enjoy. I be could I could, I was so aware of the part of my brain that does not shut up. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Like I. And I'm, I'm curious to know if this is like a universal thing that people experience when they do drugs, but I was, again, didn't actually do drugs, everybody.
Mm-hmm. Just wanna, I just wanna keep going back to that because this story is like, oh, this is like interesting and yeah, this tracks are taking mushrooms except like, yeah,
Eva: it just
Kyley: showed up, right? This experience just like, just showed up in my system. Um, in some ways for reasons I, you know, think I understand it and for some reason, ways I'll No, never understand.
And that in and of itself to me is such fucking wild reminder of like, we don't even know what we're dealing with. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like, we think that our limited [00:04:00] world is the extent of what's possible and then we like look up and we're like, oh, well maybe actually it's like one step bigger.
Like no, it is like, it is so much. Bigger and wilder and weirder than we can even begin to understand. So that's the part that I
Eva: wanna like really dive into. Yeah. And I don't know if we should PI should say that for part two 'cause that's gonna be more of like the, let's just do it. Let's just go there now.
Kyley: Okay. Alright.
Eva: So I mean that's like, this is something that I think about all the time, like, yeah, it's just really interesting because like I think about consciousness, you know, multiple times a day and it's just like, that's all I think
Kyley: about
Eva: and it's just like,
Kyley: yeah, like my inner chatter is basically like, are my kids hungry?
And also where am I on the spectrum of like spiritual awakening path, like that's like all I just think about. So, yeah.
Eva: Yeah, yeah. Well I think it's more like, I'm always curious like, what the fuck is this? [00:05:00] What is this? For me, I'm like, what is this? I don't understand. What is this? And it's fine. I'm not like mad that I don't understand what it is.
It, it's more like. What is consciousness and like is, you know, just like little things like this. So, so this idea of like, um, not little things, like this is a big thing, but this idea of, to me, what your experience was. And also I think what, like, Dr. Like drugs or psychedelics or plant medicine, whatever you wanna call it, what it does is.
It opens up a window to consciousness. Mm-hmm. And sometimes you can like take in too much consciousness actually. And that's how people go crazy. But it opens up what the, like a window into consciousness itself. And that's what we are experiencing. And then it's like kind of meant to close. Like, I don't wanna say, I guess I believe, or so far I've believe that it's meant to kind of close a little bit because we can't like live in there all the time.
And it's not like good or bad because going back to what I was saying earlier, which I think is very true, it's all perfect. Hmm. Like [00:06:00] I, something I think about all the time is like, I'm not breathing, I am being breathed. Like life is breathed through me. I can't even, do you kind of know what I'm saying? I
Kyley: do.
And you know what's interesting? Okay. So there was also like a little laughing Buddhist statue that was in there. And so at one point, like when I was like really deep in it and I was noticing. The noticing, right? Like I was at one point, like I was kind of in, it was kind of in the like water bottle chapter of adventure.
So like whole, I'm like having this transcendent experience with this plastic water bottle. And then I'm also noticing how much I just cannot stop narrating, everyth everything, right? And like, I cannot stop making meaning out of everything and it starts to kind of annoy me. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Because I'm like the, the, like you are taking up all of the energy in the room.
You take up all the oxygen in the room narrator, and like there's other way more interesting things happening. [00:07:00] And I could just feel that every time I would start to like make meaning, by which I mean like, whoa. Like at one point I was like, this water bottle like has all of these bumps. And then I was, and then my brain would be like.
You are always so anxious about plastic in the world, and here you are having this spiritual experience with a plastic water bottle. That's to show you that. And I could just feel like, or like every time I would do something that I was getting like pulled further away mm-hmm. Like, is there something really cool that it was a plastic water bottle and not like a bunch of roses?
Yeah. There's something interesting in that to make meaning out of and also meaning making is a distraction.
Eva: Mm. Yeah. Which is
Kyley: like, my heart literally hurt when I said that because meaning making is my favorite thing in like, that is my, that is my true hobby, right? Like, I went to grad school for English and gender studies.
Like, I like, you know, like read and write all like meaning making is like my love language.
Eva: Oh my god. [00:08:00] Girl, I'm feeling this. Like, I think I just like empathetically just like, oh, it just hit me in the chest too, because I feel really. Yeah, I like, hello? We run a podcast about spirituality, which we try to put language to things that are ineffable and unnamable.
And I also, I find great joy and, um, and, uh, funny, I, I find great meaning and making meaning out of things. Yeah. Like, yeah, but I, but you're right. Like, I also agree with you. So I'm like, uh, what do you do with that? Because I, I feel
Kyley: you that, and so that was what, was, what what I felt was like the compulsion.
To make meaning is the problem, quote unquote problem. But again, we're trying to stay in the space of like, what if there was no problem to fix? But what I like understood in that moment is like my compulsion to make meaning, my inability to not make meaning right? Like I'm so attached to making meaning that I am just [00:09:00] constantly finding a new way to make meaning.
Whether it's, you know, the example of like narrating a plastic water bottle is like a big meaning, but there's also little meanings of like, oh, I'm, I have to pee because I drank a lot of water. Like, that's meaning making, right? Yeah. Like, um, uh, and so, and I could just feel energetically how much that would just like suck me away from actually experiencing.
And the richness is in the experiencing. It's not in the story. And yet meaning making is Yeah. This like great, delightful part of the human experience. Yeah. But what I observed was that like, I can't shut it off. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And that's what, that's what I think for me creates a lot of suffering. Totally.
'cause like, 'cause I'm, I struggle to really like sit and be present because I'm, it is just, I just, I just don't shut up inside [00:10:00] my head.
Eva: Totally. I, I wrote that down. Yeah. Like, my want to create meaning is what creates like, the suffering. Yeah. And so, to the degree, if, I don't know if you guys are familiar with, are you familiar with StrengthFinders?
It's like a mm-hmm. 20 strengths. Right. So I think one of my strengths is, meaning one of my top five strengths is making meaning out of things because I'm very good at it and I enjoy it. And I think there's something that, it does actually, I think, create this very profound sense of life. Like in our podcast last week, you were talking about, about the layers and the nuance of life.
Like being able to make meaning out of that is actually a super fun way to live. So there's something to, to it,
Kyley: I think. Yes. And my, my, my experience wasn't like. Meaning making is bad, but just that it is a, it takes you out. It takes you out. It is like one layer removed. And it's tricky because what I'm constantly doing is trying to make meaning to get me closer to experience.
Eva: Yes, exactly. The irony of all of this, the irony, like I feel [00:11:00] caught. I feel like, oh my gosh, I'm being read up and down right now.
Kyley: And so I'm in this, I'm in, so I'm having this like water bottle experience and I'm like noticing that the meaning making is like caught is like, like is the thing that's like is the thing that's keeping me from this even deeper experience.
And so then I see this laughing Buddha and I was like, sup Buddha. Let's have a chat. Right? Remembering that like I'm already a mystical person who's like talking to like gods and goddesses in her head on the regular, so this part isn't that much of a stretch, right? Mm-hmm. But I was just. 'cause the thing is, so I have, I, I'm a fan of Eckhart, as I know you are too.
And his story is like, basically he had this moment where he woke up, right? He was like, so, so, so deep in suffering. And he kind of heard this voice that was just like, like, like that pulled him all the way through the other side, right? Mm-hmm. And so I do believe that there [00:12:00] is this, and I think you and I both believe that spiritual awakening is like a spectrum, and we're all just moving along the process.
And also I do believe that there's like this moment that's like, kind of like Cliff, you can fall off mm-hmm. In which you've like, you've surrendered enough that there's no return. Mm-hmm. To to, to a different way. Right. And so there was some part of me that was like, is this it? Is this my moment? Yeah. No.
Is this
Eva: your Eck Gar tole moment? Yeah. Yeah. Like this is your fired Katie moment. Totally.
Kyley: Yeah. Yeah. Right. Fire Katie is another one. I was like, oh my God. And, and I'll be totally honest, I could actually sense that that was available. Mm-hmm. Like, like not available as in like, oh, I, I saw the door and I didn't take it, but it was like I couldn't reach it, but I fully could experience that it was there.
Yeah. That in this moment there was, and, but again, I didn't, I could just see that there was an option and I don't know how to describe it. 'cause this was all so [00:13:00] experiential, but there was an option to like slip deep enough. Mm-hmm. That you would go somewhere that you don't come back from in terms of like,
Eva: yeah.
Kyley: This journey of, yeah. Spiritual expansion.
Eva: So I don't know if you remember, did we ever talk about my experience after Colorado, how I went to go do like ketamine and MDMA with this woman? Mm-hmm. Did we not talk about this? Oh, I don't even know if we were recording then yet. Um, okay. Well, uh, without, oh, just keeping it simple.
I will say, I had this really intense experience and my experience was that I felt like I had this, I was at this precipice of this point that you're talking about, and I got so freaked out. Yeah. I was like, Nope. Not going there. Because in my mind I was like, I have to let go of everything. It meant like letting go of everything that I loved.
Yeah. At least that was like my belief or whatever. And so. [00:14:00] I hear you in that. Yes. I do think that there is a, I guess a, what did you call it? Like a doorway or, you know? Yeah,
Kyley: precipice feels right.
Eva: Yeah. And I have a lot to say about this because I've thought about this a lot. And also for me, my experience is like, I think I got to this precipice and I was not ready.
Yeah. And totally. Um, and it was like scary. Even though I think the lesson was that actually when you walk through that door, it's not scary. However, and then, and then my lesson after that was noticing that I was really judging myself. And I had this moment of being like, oh, you failed. Or You stopped. Yes.
Or like, you didn't, you could have walked through that door and you're, and you, whatever the meaning was, you're weak, you're not ready, like blah, blah, blah. And one of the true gifts from that moment was like, I. You don't have to do like, yes. What? It doesn't fucking matter. You don't have to do that. And also this idea of like, it's okay [00:15:00] also to not be ready.
Like if you were ready Yes. Then that's it. Like it doesn't, there is no good or bad or right or wrong. There's no morality in this tied up with this. But, and the other thing that I wanna say that is so important about this is because I will speak from personal experience. I think the idea of enlightenment or walking through the door or whatever can be a very, like, it's one that the ego can easily get attached to.
Oh, the ego's obsessed with it. Obsessed with the ultimate egot
Kyley: trap Exactly. To be like enlightened.
Eva: Totally. Right. And so it's something that, that's just so sexy and enticing about it. And, um, I. Therefore, and I am guilty of this, having gone through extremes in search of something really just to fill some empty void that I had.
And this was like more in the past. Um, and now I'm much more along the lines of belief because I've actually seen it happen. I think Tom, again, is a wonderful real life example of this, is like he talks about how [00:16:00] it's a slow undoing where he uses the ball of yarn as an example. Mm-hmm. Is that you're just unraveling, unraveling, unraveling, and then poof you get to the end and there's nothing and it's like, yeah.
And I, and I honestly believe that, and I say this again for any. Mystics out there who, if you're listening to this podcast, I know that you're here probably because part of you is also really drawn to the experience of awakening.
Kyley: Mm-hmm.
Eva: I want to, I think it's helpful to hear that it doesn't have to be a precipice, lose everything experience.
Oh, absolutely. That like blows you the fuck out. It can be a slow un whirling of a yarn ball
Kyley: and, and it can be something we spend lifetimes upon Lifetimes unraveling, right? Yes. Like there's not a finish line. And, and I think that, I think what was interesting to me as I was in this really compassionate, neutral space, right?
And what was interesting to me was that I could see how much my [00:17:00] attachment to some kind of spiritual awakening. Was the very, it, it was like, it was like I could sense that the door was there and also I couldn't, I could, I was not at that precipice that you're describing mm-hmm. Where you're like, I'm gonna, am I gonna go through this doorway or not?
I just, I just knew that there was a door, that door was in the room. Mm-hmm.
Eva: Mm-hmm. And I
Kyley: didn't know where it was. And I was so attached to finding it, that that was why I couldn't find it. Right. Yes. And I kept trying to like sneakily pretend that I wasn't attached to finding it, you know? Yes. And so I'm like doing this thing right, where I'm like, basically trying to like, trick myself into having, having a spiritual awakening, which also like, again, kind of brawl of yarn.
Like if everything's a spectrum like that is what I was experiencing. 'cause that's what we're all experiencing. Every, every small moment in which we like, choose consciousness, presence, love, like, right. All of these things are like, like micro moments of spiritual [00:18:00] awakening. I think, um, and, um, and so, but I was like basically trying to like trick myself.
And then, and then I turned to this like laughing Buddhist statue and was like, like, what's the deal? How do I do this? Can, like, can you gimme, can you gimme the playbook? Yeah. Like, I'm here, like, we're both in the room. Let's do it.
Uhhuh. And I could just feel like the gift that he gave me in that moment was pointing. That was when he pointed, it was like, it was like, like you're reading a book and someone just puts their finger under a word. Like he just pointed to attachment. And I just saw in that moment that was like, oh, you're like, I could just see how my attachment was the very thing that was keeping me from it, you know?
And, but also I saw how completely Okay, that was. Like, I didn't have any sense. 'cause the whole, I was like, this whole thing is so fucking cool anyway. Right. So I didn't have a sense of like, um, uh, and I think actually it felt like, it felt like [00:19:00] a big enough gift to see that this doorway that I have, that I have imagined exists.
It felt really cool to actually know that it is real and that it exists. Yeah. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Totally. And then that in of that felt like enough. And so the, um, the, like some of the big things, well, I wanna, I wanna pause 'cause I was like, so many things we can say. So I wanna just pause. Yeah.
Um, yeah. I'm curious I guess for you, in your experiences, how like that attachment piece has played out.
Eva: Well, it's interesting because I, when you said that I had a very visceral experience at the point where I'm. I kind of got emotional. I just, I don't know. It like, something that you said really hit me and it really made me realize, like, I don't know.
There was a sadness there of some sorts because I think, [00:20:00] um, I think my lesson is stop searching. Oh, it's like, it's like, it's exactly what you said. It's the searching that's gonna make you not find what you're looking for. And it's actually like, as we all know, and as we dive deeper into this work, what becomes so apparent is it's all a paradox.
Everything's a riddle. Or like you say, you were talking about recently about the jokester or like, what was it? The, um, is it the trickster?
Kyley: Trickster, yeah. Yeah. Like
Eva: the, the image of the trickster. And I think it is very much that there's something, it's unknowable, it's understandable. We're not meant to know or understand and actually.
I just feel all choked up. 'cause it's like if I can just let go of my wanting to understand, I actually feel, feel like that would be, that would be it. And I'm choked up because I think there's something really beautiful in that. Not because I'm like, not because I'm like, um, or just something. There's really something meaningful in that.
It's the, there's a gift in there. I think somewhere like the stop search because I [00:21:00] think sometimes the search is like, there's so much earnestness there. It's, it's really from a place of like deep love and like for life. So I also have a lot of like. I don't know. I'm, I can't believe I'm, like, getting so emotional.
But there's just this like, grief here. There's like this, um, rec recognizing of the self that it's coming from such an earnest place. But it is like, the lesson is like to st to stop searching. And, and then what you said, which I thought was so funny, is like, you could easily take that and start what?
Start PI talks about this all the time. It's like you, you do to get, so I'll be like, I'm gonna stop searching, but with the consciousness or the hidden agenda of like, oh, but I'm doing that to get again, and you just get yourself back into this cycle. Yeah. And it's, I don't, you know, it's like,
Kyley: it's the cycle of, it felt, again, it's like a heightened state.
The cycle of it felt like physically uncomfortable. Like I could, I could ob, I could [00:22:00] almost observe how it was making me physically sick to be like the sneaky. Like, you know, I'm gonna be unattached so that I can get some more thing, or I'm gonna Yeah. Stop making meaning so that I like whatever the do to get was like, I like that phrasing a lot.
It's like I could, I could actually like, and I can feel it now thinking of it again. Like I can feel in my body that that's not good. That, that like doesn't, it doesn't feel good.
Eva: Yeah.
Kyley: And I think that thing that was frustrating for me in this experience was observing. So I had these kind of like, it was like almost like there were three quote, like three boogeymen if you will.
And one was my fear and one was my meaning making and one was my attachment. Mm.
Eva: And
Kyley: they were sort of the three gremlins that keep me away from what it is that I actually want. Mm-hmm. But I guess what was interesting to me is that of all of them, fear was actually, the fear wasn't actually a boogeyman at all.
Mm-hmm. Right. [00:23:00] Fear was actually like. This like deeply beautiful part of myself that has an important job to fill. Yeah. And I should love and respect its job. Yeah. And so like, I actually had this moment when I got back and after I, like when I got back and I was sitting on the bed where I looked at, I like, pretend, I imagined that I was standing, sitting across like fear and I were sitting and looking at each other, and I just invited fear inside of my heart.
Yeah. You know, instead of like, instead of being like in the backseat or in the room, I invited fear, like fully in and I could feel something like click in in this way. That felt really powerful. And so, and so, maybe that's why I'm on a kick where I'm like, maybe fear isn't actually like the bad guy. Which is not what you're saying.
Eva: Well, no, but I, I think the takeaway from that is like, but can't we just apply that to everything? So even hearing you say that is like, okay, so I can easily take that and, and apply that to actually the searching and, and the, or the bri eyman for you is attachment, like mm-hmm. [00:24:00] There's always. A loving reason in which we adopt these things.
And so like, can we also take attachment and be like, you're allowed up here in the front seat and like you're here because there's such a, a, a longing for like these desires that come from a really beautiful place and there's like nothing wrong with that.
Kyley: Yeah. I, I, yes. And somehow it feels like it was like I could see in the car that all like fear is just trying so hard to do its job.
Eva: Mm. And
Kyley: that what it really basically wants is to like be acknowledged for doing a good job and also maybe to not have to do it so hard all the time.
Eva: And that's the experience I think I just had with. This idea of searching. Mm. That's I think why I got emotional, because I was seeing so clearly how I'm just [00:25:00] trying so hard and I actually felt a deep wave of compassion, not judgment.
It was like, oh my God, there's this poor little girl who is just trying her damnedest to like figure this out and like search for the meaning or, or whatever it is. And there's nothing wrong with that. Like she's not doing it wrong. She's just trying her best. And to hold that with like, again, the unconditional love mm-hmm.
That I was mentioning is, um, might be for me in this instance, like, you know, I could easily judge that and then create more separation. Or I could take some time after this call, which I feel like I won't want to because this is like feeling very alive for me and be like, um, you're just doing the best that you can.
Kyley: Yeah. Oh yeah. I can feel that a lot. I know. Yeah. Like. Because they all
Eva: have their role. Like even your attachment has, its, is it, I guess I'm curious like do you feel like it's different from fear? [00:26:00] Like your attachment is trying really hard?
Kyley: Yeah. Well I guess so you helped, you just helped something click for me.
'cause I think what I was feeling was like I, what I saw was I saw what my fear needed. Hmm. And I think what you're sharing is like you're having a moment of seeing what the searching part of you needs. And once we see what we need, we can just like give it. Right. I think what's interesting to me is the part of myself that can't stop meaning making and narrating and the part of myself that's really attached to any kind of outcome.
Yeah. Like in this case it was like having this like even deeper spiritual experience, but it's also the part that's really attached to like, I don't know, like cooking dinner by a certain time. You know? But I think what I'm realizing. I don't actually know what those parts of myself Ooh. Really want. So I don't [00:27:00] yet know how to integrate because I don't actually know what they're trying to accomplish or what their real need or want is.
I,
Eva: I am just silent right now because I'm feeling this like, on all levels, like day, day. Like there's something, um, uh, there's something so, uh, I don't know, re like, resonant for me about that.
Kyley: Well, yeah. Yeah.
Eva: I think it's because also like, uh, and again, I always, I, I just did like a whole content thing, so that's why I have all this like, content that I'm referring to.
But I, the thing that I was just recently writing is also that sometimes I think, um, it's hard to know what you want, or at least for me, it's like I, I. Don't know if my desires are coming from a,
so yeah, sometimes it's just like I'm, I'm, I have a hard time discerning if my desire is coming from like an [00:28:00] ego hooked in, triggered place, or if it's one of, um, like coming from my soul and sometimes yeah,
Kyley: I, yeah, I don't know. And I guess maybe there's a question that's like, this is a little thought experiment, but like, what if there wasn't a difference?
Hmm.
Eva: Well, I think about, see, I often have found that actually when I question if this is coming from like an ego place, that it, that. When I get rid of, because like the un sovereign part of it, it turns out that that desire is pure. Does that make sense? Mm-hmm. Like money is a good example. It's like, but there are hooks into money for sure that aren't sovereign, that are like, I'm doing this because society or whatever the conditioning is.
Yeah. And then I just get rid of that piece and then I realize, oh, I still wanna make mad money. Money. Yeah. And like that's not a problem. But I think there are [00:29:00] like triggers and then there's also more like pure, sovereign, authentic.
Kyley: Yeah. I guess, I mean, I completely, completely, completely agree. And I guess, 'cause I'm in this kind of trippy mind space, like there's a part of me that's like.
Are, are we running the risk of creating further separation from ourselves when we say like, right, because, oh, 'cause that was the other, the other piece in all this I actually like, kind of totally forgotten to this moment was that I actually, the other thing that I saw about this, like kind of doorway that was somewhere in the room was that just as much as I loved my fear and let her into my heart, that's what you have to do with the ego.
Eva: Ugh. Yes. Yes. Isn't this like, so it's just so funny to me slash again, uh, it's not just funny, it's like tricky. It's all Yeah. So tricky [00:30:00] slash It's a riddle. Yeah. It's all just here to like, play games.
Kyley: But I, I do feel like you helped me crack open something big. 'cause I could see that. I was like, oh, like it's.
I have to like completely love and ex like the way, basically the way through the egos control of my life is to love it so completely that it doesn't need to obsessively try to be in charge anymore. And the gift that you just gave me in talking about this searching part is like the same thing, but like then what is it that my ego actually wants?
And how do I like let that knowing show up without being attached and obsessively making meaning.
Eva: Mm-hmm. Yeah. You know, like, and I think the answer is
Kyley: nothing. You think the answer is that you do nothing. Mm-hmm. Because what if there was nothing to fix? Mm-hmm.
Eva: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I'm like, yes, [00:31:00] yes, yes, yes, yes.
I am getting so much out about this conversation, like. This. Wait, wait. And then this is
Kyley: why I was like, I like, like, like, you know, like I felt like I had like a prize action figure from like, you know, 40 years ago or like a hundred years ago and like, like I'm the only person I'm taking this out of the box with.
Yeah. Is Evo. Yeah.
Eva: Well, again, so deeply honored and I feel like, yeah, this is just like where I love to play, but not just like blow smoke up your ass. But in terms of like gift giving, I think you've really given me a gift in, in different ways. But this idea of like loving your ego so completely that it doesn't need to fight for control is like, like I just noticed how I'm always trying to be, 'cause like, especially having like a meditation background, so much of the lesson is like egolessness.
Like, uh, it, I, it's like this idea of enlightenment is egolessness or ego death. Mm-hmm. And I think that that's true, but. Again, the paradox or the trickery is, is that once you start getting, once you get [00:32:00] attached to the idea of like, okay, well now I can't be an ego. That is the very thing that keeps you clung onto ego.
Like that's the para,
Kyley: it's just
Eva: the,
Kyley: and if you think of, and this is another reason why I love that we have like, you know, we, we talk about being like the mystic and the meditator, and obviously that's like somewhat of a false distinction, but I think it's really helpful because I think there is a way that, like your path is, is you know, meditation and, and I think of it as like, how can I let as much of my soul frequency enter my body?
Right? It's like, it's the same thing we're talking about, right? Mm-hmm. It's just like slightly different language, but, but um, oh shoot. I was gonna say something. What was it about now my brain. No,
Eva: it's 'cause we're just fucking firing all cylinders right now. Seriously.
Kyley: Um Oh. But I think the whole idea of an ego death, it, it, it, it is inherently to vilify the [00:33:00] ego.
Yeah. And we can't vilify, like, we can't remember that we are whole by vilifying parts of, and rejecting parts of ourselves. Like it's an inherently, from my perspective. Feels like an impossible losing battle.
Eva: Yep. It 100% is, and this is the quote that I'm writing down that maybe could be our quote for this week, but I idea is basically like you can't experience ego death death when you vilify any part of yourself.
Yeah. Any part of yourself. Every, and going call back to the very beginning of the conversation is we have to integrate all parts of ourself.
Kyley: Mm-hmm. And like
Eva: that is again, the paradox, which is so ironic because I think you and I both do this with our clients on like a mini level, which is like be with what is like be with the emotion, go into it.
Like all of that stuff is how you kind of experience this on a day to day level.
Kyley: I don't think either of us do it on a mini level. I think we'll really fucking ball or we do it on a major level, but continue
Eva: on. Yeah. Alright, I, I'll take that. And also. [00:34:00] Yeah. I mean, I guess it's interesting I say that because I want tore, have people understand that.
I think eventually this becomes the default. Mm. Eventually it becomes automated. So it's like, the reason I call it like you do this in little ways is because at this point I'm doing it quick. Yeah. It's like, it, it is just a default automated thing. Mm-hmm. And, and what we're talking about I think is like, whew, big, big, big integration.
Kyley: Yeah. Yeah. And, and like the, the, the little PayWay for the big and the big pay for, for the little et cetera.
Eva: Yeah. Yeah.
Kyley: Um, I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to
Eva: No, I get it. To, to, to honor. To honor our Yeah, I get it. You honor where we are. Um, because I don't wanna, I don't wanna downplay it either. Uh, which is an interesting whole ego thing.
Yeah.
Kyley: Yeah. And it was, it was really, it, it was really interesting. It was also interesting, I think too. [00:35:00] Sit in the room with how much desire I actually do have to have this like, profound spiritual awakening. Mm-hmm. Right? Like, 'cause it's a thing that like, you know, obviously I've committed my life to being like a witchy mystic and, you know, I have all the books and I've always been interested in these topics.
I mean, like, I studied this stuff all the way back in high school, you know? Um, and it, but it, it, there was a way that I feel like I could see myself that was like, you know, because sometimes you look actually, you talk about money, right? So sometimes you have, I, part of my journey once was like, oh, I actually do really want a lot of money and that's okay.
And like I can just like accept and acknowledge that. And I kind of had a similar moment where I was like, oh, I actually do believe that spiritual awakening, like this precipice thing is real. And I actually do wanna have that experience in this lifetime. And it can be okay if I don't, right? Like it can be okay.
Yeah. In fact, it [00:36:00] has to be okay if I don't, because otherwise it definitely never get there. Yeah. But it felt really compelling to see, oh, this thing that I thought was there is totally there and yeah, fuck yeah. That's what I want. Oh God, I want a house on the
Eva: beach and I want
Kyley: spiritual
Eva: awakening damage.
Oh my God, you're giving me so much medicine because, um, you know how like God is a good example of a word that people have a hard time with and then like you integrate and then like you can use the word freely, like, you know. Mm-hmm. I think a lot of us had that experience. Enlightenment, I have noticed is a word that was charged for me for a really long time, and it wasn't until like more recently, I would say probably last year, where I'm like, okay, yeah, I can just say enlightenment freely now.
And as in a belief that I think that's a thing that exists. Now you're giving me this gift of like, yeah, I 100% wanna experience enlightenment in this lifetime. And, and I don't wanna be apologetic about that. [00:37:00] Like, what if I just own that and said that, and it doesn't mean I'm attached to it. Like, if it doesn't happen, like, and you're more likely
Kyley: actually to unhook from attachment if you could acknowledge that you want the thing.
Right, right, totally. Instead of being
Eva: like, uh, no, like, it'll happen in time or like in its own lifetime and blah, blah, blah. Yeah. Just like not because, well,
Kyley: again, the wanting and the rejection of the wanting just creates further separation and like twisted at attach, like twisting and confusion and attachment.
So yeah. It's like, yeah. There's like, I mean, in some ways I think the theme we just keep coming back to is just like ex literal acceptance of literally everything.
Eva: Everything. Yes. Which is why I think I have this on my, like one of my things, and again, this is like a very, as you guys know, listeners, maybe if you've been listening for a while, like Byron and Katie's a huge.
Like, um, influence my life. But she talks about how reality is love because it's room for everything. Like reality itself is love because there's no [00:38:00] rejection of any of it. And I, it's just like the thing that makes me feel so good about life that I come back to again and again, because I'm like, I think that's it.
Kyley: I that. So that was, I think one of the other gifts that like started with the seals and then I just kept coming back to again and again was like, I'm over here like hustling and scared and worried and doing the like, very human thing of like wanting and striving to be somewhere else because I think that somewhere else will be better or safer or happier.
And also, have you ever stared intently at a gallon jug of water? It turns out it's the most magical shit in the world, right? Like, yeah, it was just this really, it felt like I got, it felt like. It felt like I'd been playing, like, uh, it felt like I've been playing a soccer game for hours and hours and hours and hours and years and years and years.
And finally someone was like, [00:39:00] Hey, why don't you have a seat on the bench?
Eva: Mm.
Kyley: Mm-hmm. And meaning like, I could just see how much my whole life has been oriented around trying to get somewhere. And, and, and I've read the books and I've had the knowledge that there's nowhere to get. And then he, you know, like the now is all there is, and blah.
And I've had like the, like, you know, we both talked about these like fleeting moments of experiencing the now and being like, oh shit, this is pretty cool there. But what I felt like I was being gifted was, like, I, I, it wasn't that I was experiencing transcendent presence for this stretch of time, but it was more like.
Everything slowed down. And I got to see that some part of me was experiencing transcendent presence and then the other part of me was narrating. Yeah. And um, and somehow in that dynamic, I just felt like I got a [00:40:00] reprieve. It was brief and it has come roaring back, but I fought a reprieve from the obsession to get somewhere.
Yeah. And I could just see how much Oh, it would be really nice. Yeah. It would be a nice, it's a nice place to be. Yeah. To not be so fixated. And this is the attachment thing. This is my attachment thing of like, like that there's somewhere to get, and then when you get there, everything is okay. Yeah. And I just have to get there.
Eva: Yeah.
Kyley: Um, girl.
Eva: Yes.
Kyley: Yeah.
Eva: But I think that's one of the gifts of like plant medicine, is that if you respond to it, I think skillfully, then it is a gift. Meaning I hear a lot of people like take, like people who have experiences like this, and then again the attachment, they try to hold onto it and they're like, why can't I just live like this all the time?
Mm-hmm. Or I should be able to, now that I've had this experience, I should be able to not fall back into my own old patterns and all that stuff. And I think that [00:41:00] every time I've had an experience like this, it's just, it's, it's just a re it feels like a reminder. It's a reminder of the truth. And it's like, and it always is in the back of my mind, and that's all that I need because.
And then I come back and I like play the game. Yeah. And it's like, totally fine. But it's, it's nice. It is like a gift. It's like every time you have this experience, you, your mind opens, you see things for Exactly. You see reality Exactly as it is. It's always perfect. And then that's all you need. And then you come back to 3D Life and you are Kylie.
And I'm Eva.
Kyley: And so this is what's interesting. I've, I've been asking myself this question, was I really seeing how life really is? Or was I just seeing one possible lens of reality? Because the truth is I don't wanna actually live a life in which. Like staring at water bottles takes up my entire existence.
Like it was really cool. I had one bite of chocolate and I like, literally like, [00:42:00] was like, like, like rubbing my face in ecstasy. 'cause I was just like, oh my God, this chocolate, it was like a piece of salted caramel and I tasted the salt for like 20 minutes. You know? Like I was just like, oh my God. Right.
Like that was great. That was really, really cool. And also, if that was my whole reality, it would take me in the entire day just to eat.
Eva: Yeah. And I think that's what I mean by say it's not, you're not supposed to be there all the time. Yeah. You're not meant to be there. Like all the, yeah. I think it's about being able to integrate the two.
But I think your question is a really interesting one, which is like, is that just one version?
Kyley: Yeah. Because I'm feeling some resistance come up when you say you're not meant to be there all the time. Because instead, because what I'm feeling is, and maybe it's just re Yeah, I don't, I don't, I can't totally unpack exactly what, but I'm, I'm feeling the sense of like, [00:43:00] like we can be anywhere that we want.
I think that was kind of what I was feeling was like, like I can be the me who's staring at this water bottle for an hour. I can also be the me who's very slowly and meticulously ha moving the curtain rod to secure the door. But she's moving more quickly and like not, and I can be the me who like is whirling and thinking all the time, but somehow I just had this sense of like, they're all, 'cause the reality where I was obsessed with the water bottle and the reality where I like had a task to do, they felt like different realities.
Hmm. Even though they were happening in the same kind of window of time. Mm-hmm. Because I needed to be someone different. Like I couldn't upset, I couldn't. Be quite as slow and obsessed with how gravity feels on my skin when I was trying to set up the, and so it felt more like, and I, I don't totally know how to describe it, but almost like there's [00:44:00] lots of realities and we can be in any of them, which is also to say, if you're in the reality where like your life just feels really scary and sad, like that actually is okay.
It might not be, you might not enjoy it and you might want to move out of it, but like all of the realities are valid.
Eva: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah.
Kyley: Does that make sense?
Eva: It, it does, but I'm wondering if it's, we're kind of saying the same thing, which is like,
well, to me, I'm gonna be totally honest. I feel like my mind is just like, I know leaving and I'm like, I'm like all over the place and I can't even remember where we are. But I think there's this something here about like. One. I wonder if it's language, 'cause it's like you're talking about, I think the question you asked is like, is this just one reality or are there many versions?
And I, I guess for me, I think about it in terms of like different states of consciousness.
Kyley: Yeah.
Eva: Like when you explain, when you describe that experience, it sounds to me like you know, the water bottle is you being so [00:45:00] attuned with the details, the minuscule details of life and the aliveness of, of everything.
Even quote unquote inanimate objects. Like that's one state of consciousness. Mm-hmm. And then I think of like the being hyperfocused on a task Mm. Is a different state of consciousness. Mm. And again, I don't know if that's like how you're explaining.
Kyley: No, I think that's a really, that's a really helpful, that's a really good language.
Yeah. I like that a lot. I like that a lot.
Eva: And I guess when I say that we're not meant to be there forever is like, we can't always be like just for survival. Well actually maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this is who, who knows? Maybe this is wrong. Right? Like I was gonna say, can we always be in water bottle consciousness?
Forever, I guess, and, and survive living in our world is what I mean.
Kyley: I kind of wanna say that. I don't know, I don't want to live in water bottle consciousness all time, but I kind of wanna say that we can, because [00:46:00] one of the, because I, it goes back to the idea of like, I knew how safe I was, right? Mm-hmm. So like, I kind of, yeah. I kind of wanna say,
Eva: I don't know, I'm, I'm liking this, I'm liking this, this like line of thinking though,
Kyley: because the reasons of why we couldn't are like, well, how would you feed yourself?
Or how would you be productive and like, have a job, right? Like, or like, how would you
Eva: take care of your kids? Or how would you like go to the doctor? I
Kyley: mean, it might be hard to be a parent if you're water bottle consciousness
Eva: all the time. Yeah. Or like, how would you like do surgery if you were a doctor, but you wouldn't be a surgeon,
Kyley: right?
Like, mm-hmm.
Eva: Yeah, I guess that's true. But then I'm like, can then, can you actually live the life that you wanna live? Like if you wanna be a surgeon. But I hear what you're saying though. This could just be a really limited way of thinking. Again, it could just be more of the matrix being like, Nope, you, you have to, you have to come back in here in order to function.
And maybe that's not true because
Kyley: it's interesting that all of our. Are examples of why you couldn't be in what we're calling water bottle consciousness, which I love. [00:47:00] I idea just saying stoned off your ass is, is because you, because you couldn't be a productive member of society. Right. It's all about like jobs and,
Eva: no, I'm also saying you couldn't do things that you want to do.
Like if I wanted to give people brain surgery because that was like my passion and that was like really enjoyable for me, I don't know if I could physically like in my hands do that kind of precise type of thing because I might just be too caught up in like one detail.
Kyley: Yeah. I guess, I guess my feeling is like that our, our, our joy and our desires like line up, right?
Mm-hmm. So if you're like that tuned into your authentic, authentic self in the moment. Your desires would also be very pure. Right? So you wouldn't, you would desire things that lined up with that state of consciousness. Okay. I hear what you're
Eva: saying. So essentially, yeah. So coming back to what you were saying, it's like you would only ever want water bottle consciousness if that served your Yes.
Gifts. Okay. Yeah, exactly that. Yeah, that makes sense. In which case then I think that you totally could, yeah, yeah. You [00:48:00] totally could stay, I think in water bottle consciousness, I think,
Kyley: I mean, I guess that's kind of like the mystics that lived on a cave and like don't drink water once a month. Like that's kind of what they're doing.
Yeah.
Eva: I guess my question is like, yeah, I have, I, there's, I mean, this podcast is already two hours long. Hopefully we've separated this into two podcasts, but like I already, I still have so many questions like, why do you think that you had this experience? And so this is the big, I think this is the big.
Kyley: Thing that I would like to still unpack
Eva: with you. Yeah. I think I also, yeah, I wonder if this might tie back into help me better understand Yeah. This idea of like, can we live here all the time?
Kyley: Because, so I think the experience itself was an incredible gift and like I am kind of teared up as a thought of it.
Like the fact that this just dropped into my reality, right? Like, I didn't go looking for it. I didn't ask [00:49:00] for it. I didn't, I wouldn't have even known, like, and I'm already someone who's like literally like, oh, I'm gonna channel your star family to do some ancestral healing, right? Like, I'm already pretty fucking out there.
Right. And never in a million years because, uh, this is like things are coming clear. Even I was talking because I think for me, the mystical is always something I experience like kind of in this meditative, faraway place. This was so real and present, right? Mm-hmm. So like the mystic, it's like, I leave here to go be mystical and then I come back.
Uh, yeah. And so this, like, the gift of this experience was like, you think your mystical shit is only like relegated to like Akashic records, but like, it, like it is willing and ready to burst into all aspects of your [00:50:00] life.
Eva: Mm-hmm. There is
Kyley: no separation. Do you know what I mean? Mm-hmm. Um, I love that there is no separation.
Yeah. And, and you know, I think anyone who does mystical work, which is a phrase that I use just to mean like, you know, like deep energy, like the kind of like spiritual healing that you can't that point to in any tangible way.
Eva: Mm-hmm.
Kyley: You all, you have moments where you're like. Is this real? Mm-hmm. Am I, what am I and what I am and what I am experiencing real is like the way that I'm channeling.
Like you can't help but have, like, it's one of the things that when I teach about the records, like I talk about the role that this doubt can play and how it's like valuable. And so I've had these funny moments since this happened where I'll be like, oh, I don't know. What am I like gonna be able to like find the house that we wanna buy and then literally one of my guides will be like, [00:51:00] fucking for real?
Yeah. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, we just gave you a trip out of nowhere and you're worried about like, if you can find some childcare, like what, you know. Yeah. But that is actually the part that has been hardest for me is actually like, like leaving this as this like beautiful experience is one that has been like, felt pretty easy.
Like I haven't felt the need to like overly digest it.
Eva: Mm-hmm.
Kyley: Like dice it up, but then allowing, like, allowing a faith, a faith in my, I don't even know what that faith would be in, but a allow, I think that's the thread that I'm, I, I would like to draw out from this experience is a little bit more of like, yes, you get to have everything you want in your life.
Mm-hmm. Like, like, like meaning, like, yes, you get to have the life you want. No, you do not need to worry. Yes. It gets to be a, a spoiler alert. It all turns out all right in the end. Like, [00:52:00] I would like the thread of that to show up for me more. Mm-hmm. And it's been six days and I haven't completely healed that story.
So
Eva: you mean when you say you haven't completely healed that story, what story?
Kyley: I, I mean like, like. I think when I woke up the morning after, I felt like, oh my God, I'm never gonna doubt anything again. Oh.
Eva: Mm-hmm. You know
Kyley: what I mean? Like, because this insane thing happened, and so like, of course the universe is magical.
Of course I'm an insanely powerful magician. Like mm-hmm. We're good on that front. Mm-hmm. And that has not proved to be true still. Like, I didn't, I didn't think, oh, I'm gonna worry, I'm gonna be upset that I didn't get to stay in that mystical place. Mm-hmm. But I did think I would walk away being like, oh, how could I ever possibly doubt again?
Eva: Okay. Well, I'm laughing because this is just also basic like mushroom trip type stuff, which is like the wonderful magic of mushrooms. It's, it gets you to a place [00:53:00] where you're like, you understand that everything's gonna be okay. And it's like what you were saying, like, yeah, everything's just gonna be okay.
Like it's this really, you feel it in your body. Mm-hmm. But in my experience, that fades. Yeah. And like, some part of it,
Kyley: but my point though is uhhuh, my point is like what I experienced doesn't make any logical sense. Mm. Mm-hmm. Right? Like, so I knew that the like actual experience would fade and I was totally at peace with even as it was happening.
Yeah. I did. Every once in a while I was like, is this how I live now?
Eva: I see what you're saying. You mean the fact that it just happened outta thin air is
Kyley: Yeah. Is the thing that I thought would anchor in for me. Like, how could you ever doubt again because have like, how have you ever, like who, who has, you know.
Eva: Drug
Kyley: free mushroom drips just happened to them because they were laughing about seals. [00:54:00]
Eva: Yeah. Like
Kyley: no one, right. I mean, if you're out there, please, let's form a support group. Yeah, dude,
Eva: seriously, I would love to know if anyone's ever had else, has had experience like this, because I, I've heard of it, but I can't remember where I've heard of it, and I just think it'd be cool to
Kyley: Yeah.
Eva: Like
Kyley: talk about that. I, I, I've been in my Googling I've found people talking about like, basically like creating like very intentional environments to set to, to cause this type of experi experience. So it's still kind of about arranging your environment rather than just like, it's just like kind of bubbling up from within you.
And so yeah, I think that's the thing that I, I, I, if I were to have a frustration with myself
Eva: mm-hmm.
Kyley: It's that all of the same doubts about like, my ability to be a magician. No, that's not even, that's not totally true. Sorry. This is the danger of processing something real.
Eva: Yeah. You guys, you listeners have to hear us figure it out.[00:55:00]
Kyley: Um, but yeah, I guess I'm trying to figure out how the unprompted ness of the, like the spontaneous nature of this fits into my life now. Does that make sense?
Eva: Mm. How it fits into your life now? Are you talking about the, the making meaning part? Ah, god dammit.
I didn't even mean for that to like connect the way that it did, but, but that's kinda what I'm hearing you say is like you're exactly right. Yeah. You're trying to understand like, how does this, um, like
Kyley: what
Eva: do
Kyley: I do with
Eva: this now? Yeah,
Kyley: yeah. Yeah.
Eva: I don't know. I feel like maybe going back to what we've talked about in this episode is like, um, honoring that desire, [00:56:00] right?
Yeah. 'cause like it's, of course you're gonna have that question, like of course you're gonna have that question and it's a valid question to ask. And maybe it's like somewhere of like walking the balance between that and also at some point being like honoring it for what it was, the same way that you haven't like really tried to, you know, you've done a good job of, of I think just leaving some of it alone.
Mm-hmm. And at some point you can do that as well with this of like the why it happened or how it happened. Yeah.
Kyley: Yeah. And it's, it's interesting.
Yeah. It's interesting because I, I, I think you're right and I'm curious about why it feels so uncomfortable, like why it felt so comfortable for me to be like, oh, I can't over dissect this experience as in what happened in the seven hour window. And yet it feels really uncomfortable for me to not have this be a [00:57:00] story that like inform, like, creates a lot of meaning.
I think there's a part of me that wants to like, stand up from the rooftops and be like, you guys, like the universe just gave me a drug trip without drugs. Like, none of this is what we think it is.
Eva: Mm-hmm.
Kyley: And like we all should like. Do crazy weird shit and like, be as weird and out there as we want and like unhook from the matrix and like, like lean into your weirdest, wildest, most intuitive witchiest, like as fucking weird as you think you wanna be.
Like, go be that self. Because actually it's probably even weirder than that in reality. And like, just like run through the streets with your weirdness. Mm-hmm. I think [00:58:00] and like, 'cause that feels like the gift of it to me. Like, um, like even the work that I've been able to do in the record since then, since this is like, blows my mind.
'cause it's just like, because that like this, like shell of doubt has like fallen away that it's like when I'm in the moment I'm like, oh. I'm a fucking queen star, God being, and like, let's go. Like, how much do you wanna move through? I don't need an hour. I need 15 fucking minutes. Let's go. You know, like, and, and so, so I think two things.
One is that that is true. And of course there was also part of me who's like, um, what the fuck is happening? And also don't do anything wrong or bad, right? Mm-hmm. So like there's just the way in which we have multiple parts, and then I think there's also a part of me that's like, wants, like wants everybody to like, come with me.[00:59:00]
Mm-hmm. Totally. Yeah. And you know, the truth is, we as humans dismiss data that doesn't conform to our preexisting beliefs, right? Mm-hmm. So like, I know there are people who I love dearly in my life, and if I were to say. So this thing happened where I had a mushroom trip for seven hours without taking any drugs because I was laughing at seals.
And they would say, oh, that's sounds interesting. Cool. So at work yesterday. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And there are people that I love dearly, right? Yeah. And it was who, but like, it's so outside of their view of the world that they, there's no space for it. And so it just gets dismissed. And I don't, it's not that I like wanna be an evangelist, but there is like, and so I guess maybe I did walk through a door, but maybe it was a different door.
Eva: What do you mean? Which
Kyley: [01:00:00] is, I guess there's a part of me that's like, again, like it feels so crystal clear that the world is weirder and more mystical than we thought it was. And I just don't, I can't hold space for. People not thinking that's true. Which doesn't mean I need to convince them that it's true.
Right. It's just like the part of me that used to need to hide to be like, oh, you know, like, you don't have to think reikis real, or like, you know, I just, I'm a business coach, right? Like, I don't actually feel like I can be that person anymore. Mm-hmm. And there's, um, there's a bit of like something, there's a bit of like sadness in something lost because I can see that it shifts the way I move through certain relationships.
Mm-hmm. Does that make sense? [01:01:00]
Eva: Yeah. I mean, all of that makes sense. I'm just kind of curious, like it, how, what's the sh like, how do you think you'll show up differently? Or not even like Yeah, like what's the change? Like if you don't have room in your life for making yourself like small or not people, people not understanding it.
Yeah. Like what would that look like in your everyday life?
Kyley: I mean, I think on one level it's just, it's, it's a like certain kind of liberation. Like we had some friends from college over for a cookout on Saturday, which is so fun. Mm-hmm. And I just, I could feel how much I didn't need to explain what I do or explain away what, we didn't even end talking about it, but I could just feel in my own energy that I was like, oh, these people, 'cause of COVID, I, we haven't seen them in like a year and a half.
Yeah. And I could feel how, in my own energy I didn't need, there was no sense that it was like, well, if they ask, I'll just say I'm a business coach. 'cause they'll understand that. Like, I, I just could feel that it didn't matter. I just didn't, didn't matter. Mm-hmm. And so [01:02:00] that, yeah. So that's a, so it's like an
Eva: internal shift in yourself.
Yeah.
Kyley: And but then I think that there's also other relationship. I think there's also other ways in which I.
I dunno what I'm trying to say. No, I do know what I say, but I think it felt sounds mean. I think there are other relationships in which, because all of this person doesn't make sense
Eva: mm-hmm.
Kyley: That the relationship will end up falling away a little bit.
Eva: Mm-hmm.
Kyley: Because I, it actually feels uncomfortable, the thought of like,
Eva: yeah, it's totally pretending.
Totally. It's just not alignment. It's not like, yeah, it's not, I think we kind of talked about this a little bit in like our episode with Pi Lesko, who again, if you guys haven't listened to that episode. Oh, highly recommended. Oh, so good. Yeah. Like we, I, we, yeah, we referenced it a bit, but um, remember how she was talking about like, your energy field just changes based on like who you be and then things that aren't a match for it just fall away.
Yeah. So I don't think you're gonna like effort and be like, no, no. [01:03:00] Right. It's just, I really do believe that that's how things happen. Like things just can't even be in your field anymore because now you.
Kyley: Just
Eva: aren't a match for that.
Kyley: Yeah. And again, yeah. 'cause I think, you know, six months ago there was a part of me that was like, well, if I convince people or you like do, or you know, either I have to make myself small or I have to convince people.
And I do think that there does feel like a level of embodiment that's just like, oh, like okay, I'm a crazy magician sorcerer. Mm-hmm. And you are too, if you like, wanna open that up. Yeah. And like it's like a knowing. Yeah. It's a knowing. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so this is helpful talking it all out, because also what's interesting, what I'm realizing is that there is still, the knowing hasn't erased.
Like there, there is still a part of me who's doubting.
Eva: Mm-hmm. But
Kyley: she's just doubting in a different way.
Eva: [01:04:00] Mm-hmm. And so
Kyley: to keep things in line with the theme of her whole episode, I think my question is, I had to figure out. What is she like? What is she afraid of and what does she need?
Eva: Hmm. And also,
Kyley: even as I'm saying that, I'm hearing like meaning making like Yeah.
Stop with the meaning making. So,
Eva: well, I think something like this gift that you've given me, um, this thing that you've said to me in the past, which is like such a gift is this idea of like, you talk about doubt and doubt is what, how do you say it? Like doubt is supposed to be there or like that's curiosity.
Like there's nothing wrong. Yeah. Like doubt is part of the process is I think, said Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And um, and if you were tripping, I'm pretty sure your consciousness would say, and isn't this delightful that she's doubting? Yeah. Isn't this feeling of like. I don't know. There's something here that's just delightful.
It wouldn't be a [01:05:00] judgment. It would be like, look at this. And the reason I say she is because it's really funny that I just said that I do this all the time. When I think we're, we're like in higher opener space of spaces of consciousness, I feel like it's, we're like, life is looking down at us, being like, and I'm not identified with me.
I'm not, I'm not identified as Eva. I'm like, oh, I am like consciousness itself. And look at her, look at Eva. She's so funny. She's, and isn't this, isn't she delightful? Isn't this delightful? Isn't this experience of delight moving through her? Delightful. Because she's doubting. And that's a, a wonderful experience to have.
Like the soul is like, Ooh, that's a cool experience. I wanna experience doubt.
Kyley: Oh, oh.
Yeah, that feels really profound. It feels like if, you know, we've been talking a lot about like making nothing wrong and like loving all the parts of yourself, but [01:06:00] what you're offering me is even a layer deeper, which is like delighting in all the parts of ourselves.
Eva: Mm-hmm.
Kyley: Right? So not just like, fear, bitch, you're doing a great job.
Like I love you. What you're saying is like, what if we could delight in the experience of our fear or our doubt, or our, yeah. Whatever it might be. I mean, yeah. Which is not the same thing as like gaslighting ourselves, but it is just like, 'cause that was something that I noticed, even like when I was in my peak high.
I think I was like sticking my fingernail into my hand really hard and like just like reveling in like that doesn't feel good. Yeah. And like was fascinated by that. Yeah, right. Like just this like deep fascination.
Eva: Yeah.
Kyley: Yeah. That's a real gift. Thank you.
Eva: I mean, it's a helpful reminder for me too, obviously, because I, you know, we will easily forget and come back, but yeah.
One interpretation that I [01:07:00] have of plant medicine is that, again, you experience consciousness, but essentially another way of saying it's like if you, if you believe that you are a soul that came here to experience life through you, that's what's happening. When you're tripping, you're, you become the soul.
So you're not just Kylie, you're like the person, you're the consciousness of the soul that comes through you and is experiencing like, oh, otters are awesome. Mm-hmm. And you know what else is also awesome? A desire for ot, for otters to come see me. Like you're experiencing. Mm-hmm. It's like the experience is happening through you.
You're a vessel for the experience.
Kyley: Yeah. Right.
Eva: And it's like that, that can really just make me, whew. That could just get me in all different places. Yeah. I could think about that for hours.
Uh, y I'm so grateful for you. I'm grateful for you. I feel like I've gotten. Um, yeah, this was medicine for me. Like yeah, you opening up and sharing [01:08:00] this with all of us. Um, I felt like maybe there was something that I was meant to learn here from this
Kyley: conversation. Hmm. Well, and I also, like, I, again, with this like theme about meaning making, like I could, I knew that in telling the story, that would be how I would make meaning from it, you know?
And again, we can't help but do that. I enjoy doing it, but I also could see that like if I just started telling everybody about it before I talked to you, it would've, the story of it would've been like, oh, this freaky weird cool thing happened to me. And that's also a totally fine story. Yeah. But I like wanted this, like, I wanted some help understanding what I was being gifted and shown in this.
Mm-hmm. And so. You did that for me in a bunch. I mean, I'm gonna re-listen to this, um, because this was, [01:09:00] this was really, this was really helpful, so thank you.
Eva: You're so welcome, Kylie. I, um, I just, I'll just, that really means a lot to me and I'll receive that because I, like, I love diving into this stuff and like when I say I think about like this stuff all the time, this is what I mean, like consciousness, like I think about and I can't talk to it about it with everyone.
So like, yeah. So, um, I, I'll just keep it simple. You're welcome and I'm Anytime and if you Yeah, I am like this is medicine for me and I love being able to be your partner in crime and exploring these things. Yeah.
Kyley: Dream team. Yeah. Um, okay. I wanna do a round of joy. I also wanna let our listeners know that.
After the round of joy, you should stick around because, um, what I thought when I thought when my drug trip was over, I called Vanessa, love who I mentioned, and [01:10:00] we recorded the whole conversation of me still being very high, but recanting the story to her. So she was the only other person that I like unpacked the whole story with.
Um, while it was kind of still happening. And, uh, if you are curious for a tidbit of stoned, Kylie talking about the meaning of life. Yeah. It's coming up again. Well, I can't wait to listen to that. Yeah. Um, okay. Eva, what is something that's bringing you joy right now?
Eva: Well, this one's easy because it happened this weekend.
Um, we got a new kitten. Kitten. A little kitty. Yeah. Um, and I have lots of things to say about this, but this podcast is already getting quite long. Um. We got her because we felt like our, our older cat Pima was lonely. And we've heard that like cats can be better in pears.
Kyley: Mm-hmm. And
Eva: I've never had a kitten before, so I didn't actually grow up with a ton of animals when I was younger.
And so all of this is kind of new for me. And I've had like friends who had animals and I had like a puppy [01:11:00] once when I was younger, but I was too young to remember. And then we like had to give it away. So this, it's like just really, I already had one cat, but there's something about having a kitten that's just like bonding with me and.
I don't know. There just seems to be some like special medicine there, like living with animals. If you wanna talk about like exploring consciousness, like just observe animals, I feel like, and you're like, oh, like there's a whole way of living here that's like really interesting to me. And to have them in your house to cohabitate with animals is really cool.
Anyway, this cat is super cute. I'm probably gonna post tons of stuff on about him on Instagram. My God is so cute. Just kittens are adorable. So, and a kitten can't do anything but bring you joy. So, but also I am sleep defy. I've slept with him in the room yesterday. That's why I kept, I don't know if you notice I was yawning a lot is because he woke me up a gazillion times.
So I was sleepy. I'm sleepy.
Kyley: That's fair. Yeah. That's fair.
Eva: All right, Kylie, what about you? What's one thing that's bringing you joy?
Kyley: Okay, [01:12:00] so keeping in theme of this episode, I have a deeply mystical answer to this question. Uh, which maybe we can talk about further in another episode, but, um, I received a new prayer to open the ash records last night.
Eva: Wow.
Kyley: Wow. And like those of you who've taken away, learned to read the Akashic Records course. I, or the prayer that I used is like, super have used, is like super short. Like it is like basically like short and sweet and to the point and it works. And, uh, I've loved how short and sweet it is. I always share with people, like longer prayers some people use.
'cause I think, you know, it's an exploration. You should find your own. And last night I was like sitting in stillness and I just received the beginning of this prayer and I like opened up my notebook to just be like, okay, here it comes. It's called prayer for the whole self.
Eva: And so
Kyley: it's a prayer [01:13:00] that is like, will open the caic records.
And actually like is an activation for this like shadow integration piece. Yeah. And what was amazing was like I received this prayer and then like my whole body just like, felt like tingling. Like I just was like having all this incredible physical sensations and like receiving this prayer. And then I went to his, I was like, well, I'm, I guess I'll use it all of my own records.
And I got pulled to this like super, super deep sleep, which is like always the thing that happens when like, you know, spirit is like, we have work to do that you conscious mind doesn't mm-hmm. To observe. And then like multiple times in the night I like woke up and was like, like, anyways, it was just this like really powerful like evening of like waking up and connecting and it's all kind of circulating around this prayer.
And, um, and so I can just like feel the, the potency of it. I [01:14:00] used it for the first time in a client session today. And I almost felt nervous 'cause it felt so powerful. And then I opened her records and the very first thing I heard was someone going, that wasn't so hard, was it?
Eva: Um, it sounds really beautiful, and that's a big deal. Like, ha you know. Yeah. Coming to new prayer, I'm gonna wanna ask you what it is after. Yeah. We get off if, oh yeah, absolutely. I'm feeling absolutely. And
Kyley: I'm gonna put it, if it's not up yet, I'm gonna put it on my website. So if you're curious, like, you know, you can, you can take my whole course about learn to the records, but also if you wanna just use this prayer and, and connect you're, you know, more than welcome to, to, I'm already already feeling
Eva: drawn to it.
Like there's just feel like there's gonna be some good medicine here. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Kyley: yeah. So I feel like really humbled and excited and, uh. And it also feels really beautiful that it's like, like one week it's not lost on me. That one week after this, like I, my life now just feels like I have weird, crazy mystical experiences like, I don't know, every five days.
So yeah, that's bringing [01:15:00] me a lot of joy. Yeah.
Eva: Oh my God. All right. Well let's do a little bit of a promotion. I feel like I would be amid honestly. Yeah. I feel like the reason it's a good time to do that is because if you like this conversation, then uh, yeah. Then you probably know that you'd like enjoy working with one of us.
Especially like, I mean, I know, so
Kyley: I'll, if you like this conversation, you should hire Eva. That's what I will say. I feel like this is
Eva: like my wheelhouse. It's actually your
Kyley: wheelhouse. Yeah.
Eva: This is my wheelhouse. And it's like the work that I, that I do with my clients and I love doing with my clients. So if this resonates with you, I don't even need to say more than that.
Just like you can apply for a free call if you have listened
Kyley: to all three hours of these two episodes and you want
Eva: more. Yeah. Uh, which I do.
Kyley: You should hire Eva. Yeah. Like yesterday.
Eva: Yes. So you can find all that information on my website@evilleo.com or my Instagram. I am evil Leo. Yeah. Yes. And what about you?
Um,
Kyley: I [01:16:00] will share that. Learn to read Deic records with the new prayer is, uh, uh, totally updated and still only $97 through the month of September, which it's
Eva: such a fucking steal. Like
Kyley: it's gonna be 4 97 after this 'cause they've added so much content to it. And so just go, just go, go tomorrow. Yeah. Don't like wait
Eva: till the last minute.
Like that is a fucking. Steal for this program
Kyley: and you'll, any, anytime I update it in the future, you'll like continue to get those. It's gonna be a living program, but like, it's, it's, it, look, it, it walks you through how to read the records. But I added this whole deep module on how to actually do healing work in the records.
And now it's got this module, which I'm still building full transparency 'cause it just happened yesterday, but about how to use this new prayer and the significance of it, and also unpacking a little bit of like why you'd use different prayers, blah, blah, blah. So if you are curious about doing this work, go buy the course.
It's nine, seven bucks, y'all. And it [01:17:00] has changed my whole fucking life. Like I used to be someone who was like, I don't know if someone's listening when I pray. And now I'm over here having spontaneous trips. And, and to be honest, it's the Akashic Records is the biggest through line in this, in in my, the shifts that I've experienced as a spiritual person.
And it's why I believe so much in the medicine and especially if it does. Sing to you. So
Eva: go
Kyley: by that
Eva: course. Y'all go get it, y'all. Alright? Alright. We love you all. Thanks for listening. Thank you. We'll see you
next week.