This week, our conversation about power takes us on a wild ride. We explore: • What we’re trying to be powerful about (and why) • How real power feels in the body and heart - Why power and surrender might actually be the same thing, or at the very least connected • and what becomes possible when we stop grasping and start allowing Plus: a fiery little detour into the systems of cruelty we’re witnessing in American politics, what it means to stay powerful living within them, and the difference between power and control. This one surprised us. We hope it does the same for you.
This week, our conversation about power takes us on a wild ride. We explore:
• What we’re trying to be powerful about (and why)
• How real power feels in the body and heart
• Why power and surrender might actually be the same thing, or at the very least connected
• and what becomes possible when we stop grasping and start allowing
Plus: a fiery little detour into the systems of cruelty we’re witnessing in American politics, what it means to stay powerful living within them, and the difference between power and control.
This one surprised us. We hope it does the same for you.
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How to Feel Powerful Part II with Kyley and Eva
[00:00:00] hi everyone. We are back for part two of How to Be powerful Is that what we're calling?
things, how to feel power, whatever you're listening to, we're gonna do it now.
Yes. We recorded part one a couple weeks ago. Um, and this might just be a series, 'cause this is a really big conversation. It's a really big question and it's something I feel passionate about and it's also a place where I still have a lot of learning to do. So. Anyway, before we kick in, Kyley, what do you wanna share with our folks here?
I.
Well, speaking of feeling powerful, uh, I have a new program [00:01:00] that, uh, I think doors are open by the time you're listening to this called Money and the Fawn Response. And it's specifically about those of us who have, if you have a core, if your core safety story is about fawning, which is people pleasing, codependence, perfectionism, a lot of imposter syndrome.
That to on theme with the show is about having a core relationship to power that's like, oh, it can't be powerful, and it fucks up our money story in a very particular way. And so I have a course and, uh, it's born straight outta my heart
and lived experience and, uh, I can't fucking wait. So come, you can sign up at the link in the bio and it's gonna be awesome.
So get on in ear.
Uh, so good. All of your programs really end up pointing back to like how to be more powerful. I think it's always all tied in. It's just like, it's, um, a lot of it is just, uh, the core foundation of the work that you do.
Oh, I really appreciate that reflection,[00:02:00]
For sure, dude. That's
just like the flavor of your medicine.
huh?
Yeah.
I'm, I'm letting myself receive that.
Yeah. Let it in, baby girl.
It's funny because I've been thinking a lot lately about how. Probably for the PA for a while now about how much my work, not exclusively, but is often with people who have fond trauma response. Like so many of my clients, that's one of the things that we're unhooking and it's been a huge part of my journey, especially in the past year.
Um, I mean always, but really brought into sharp focus
anyway. Which is funny because I've been thinking about unlearning the fond response, which is to say, unlearning the places where I feel obligated to be small and without power, which of course is actually about being powerful, right?
Of course. Yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, thanks.
You are welcome.
Also, I think. By the time you're listening to this, I have one more one-on-one [00:03:00] spot open up. So if anyone's been interested in working with me one-on-one, I've had a couple people come in and do these, like really juicy one month intensives. Um, some on business and some, I mean, even I do business, like we're talking about your heart, but also some exclusively about heart stuff.
Um, and, uh, I'm thinking about opening up a few more spots on that. So
Get on
my non-committal if you want one-on-one.
Yeah. And if
you wanna feel more powerful, and I feel like if this conversation resonates with you, it'll probably be helpful too.
Um, I wanna dive in because this topic feels really alive for me. Um, I wanna just give people context for last week's or last, the last conversation. Part one, like how to feel or be powerful.
Part one,
you had asked me a question like. I wanted to have this conversation because I was like, I think I'm ready to feel more powerful in my life. And, you know, this happens in [00:04:00] stages, right? It's like I, it's not that I don't feel, not that I feel like non-powerful, but as we continue to evolve and grow and expand and excel or whatever, we, you know, we expand our capacity for more and we continue to, I think, improve and grow.
So I think I'm, I feel like I've, I'm reaching an edge and I've been feeling that for quite some time. And I just feel like there's just been so much growing and expansion happening internally, but there's some inc like incongruence here. And so it's like, I feel like something is happening and then you sort of ask me like, well, what is it that you, why? Like what is it that you think power will do? What do you want this power for? Like, what is it that you're craving? What is it that you're desiring?
And I was like, oh, that's such a sim. Like, it's such a simple, but. But apt question, like what is it that I want really, like at the core of this? And I think it's, um, [00:05:00] I think there's a lot of things, but part of it is just to be even more uninhibited, more unhinged.
Mm-hmm.
really what it is, is to be more free and more myself and 'cause what is power, if not freedom, right? Like, to me, because, so part one of this conversation was like, what does power even mean to each of us? And we gave examples and I felt like we could, we could keep going, you know? 'cause it's all, I think it's situational and I think it's contextual, like power looks different in every situation. But at the core it's also like, I think when I'm free, that's when I feel really, really powerful.
Well, you know what's interesting, uh. My dear friend and longtime client, Emily Hazel, who's been on the podcast twice, her most recent episode that she was on the podcast in January. It's a fantastic listen, I highly recommend. Um, [00:06:00] and she said this phrase recently that I love that I've thought of you, Eva, which is everyone wants to surrender and no one wants to be out of control.
Mm-hmm.
And I thought that was brilliant and genius and um, it made me think, because you're talking about this, so freedom to feel free and powerful. Yes. They feel connected to me. And what you're pointing to is that something about that is also connected to like letting yourself be out of control,
right? Like basically there's two pieces that are coming to my mind right now.
One is how. Control is not the same thing as power and control, I actually think is the antithesis of power. Right? We grasp for control because we want to feel powerful, but it actually like, takes away our experience of power. Right? It's exhausting. It's draining. Control shows up and like our worry, our overthinking, our trying to micromanage.
Um, the episode that we did a couple months ago where I was talking about like [00:07:00] overwhelm and trying to like manage everything all the time was a lot about like where control was living and therefore I wasn't feeling powerful. Right.
But it's just interesting to me thinking about how, like, uh, I'm just struck as you're talking about the, basically the intersection of surrender and power.
Like you have basically have to recognize that you're not in charge in order to feel powerful.
Okay. Wait, can you give me some examples? Because I'm having like, oh, like my brain is doing a record skip moment.
I would love for you to talk about this more.
Yeah. I love, I'm really loving watching how much your brain is bouncing over this, uh,
Well, you know, it's interesting because on an intellectual level, I completely agree, but I want
to be like, do I actually feel that in my body? You know?
yes, yes, yes, yes. So, okay. A good example that I think is more accessible is, um. When we're trying to control how everybody perceives us, we are exhausted and drained and we're oriented entirely towards [00:08:00] everybody else. And we feel disempowered because we're trying to people please and we're trying, right?
You can't feel powerful if your whole orientation is, do they like me? Have I done what they want me to do? So when you recognize I'm not in control of how people perceive me, and you just accept the reality of that, you like sink into a deeper place of power,
right?
Right. Okay. That completely makes sense to me. I was, when I, how I was taking what you were saying is like, you know, you know how I've been living with this mantra, I would say this past year or so, about how like letting things be completely out of control, which I
love by the way. And it's been like so helpful and so fun to just actually let things be outta control or to be willing to have things be outta
control is really the feeling. I, what I heard when you were saying that was this idea of like, so I don't do anything like, 'cause I'm not the doer, like, you know, let's
get really existential here. It's like this idea of something that I do believe to be true that. Ultimately. [00:09:00] Ultimately, sure. I have the illusion that I'm in control.
Like I'm the one who's moving my arm. I'm the one who's speaking, but in reality I'm not, because I have no idea how this is actually happening right now. You know, like none of us know how we walk. None of us know how we talk. It's the greater source that
mm-hmm.
like, you know, just it
Animating us.
like we are being, I'm not living, I'm being lived through consciousness. So that, so I went there and so like, if I'm not in control, consciousness is control. Life is in control. God is in control. I don't even know if control is the word that they would use. They're just living there. There's living,
you know,
Yeah.
we are just being lived and breathed. So therefore I have to recognize, and I, that's where I think this is actually true for me, but it's also like cra like for the record, skip is like, okay, yeah, so I'm not in control. How does that, if that's true, that I'm not in control in that way, does that. Bring me more power.[00:10:00]
So, okay. Two things I'll say in response. I think that experience, you've said that a couple of times about like a number of times, but like, I'm not the doer and I, I think that's a, I think that's a deeper experiential truth for you than me. Like I've had moments of that, but I just wanna name, I think that's something that you have had more like mystical transmissions around than I have, so I just appreciate every time you bring that back, um, you know, I get doses of it, but I just, I, I perceive that you've had perhaps heavier doses
Yes. And I would love to, you know, we don't have to get into it now, but at some point I would love to give some examples down. Yeah. In, in another episode, you know, if that
ever comes up.
Okay. Listeners, this is a brief interlude. I feel like this episode should come with it. Like don't operate heavy machinery while you listen to it. Because even I keep having to pause, even though this is like a very normal hell universe conversation, there's something in the energy of it for us that we just leave having to pause and be like, wait, you feel real woozy?
Wait, where I lost my train of weight? Wait, what? [00:11:00] What's, wow. Wow. So anyway, don't operate a forklift while you listen to this book.
there may be some transmissions coming through. I mean,
definitely for me, this is, I do think this is a really important, beautiful topic for
me right now.
So, so here's what I think I'm trying to point to is the paradox, right, of like. How do you recognize this is the, this is the thing that I feel like I am constantly brought back to. It's like, how do you recognize that you're God? How do you experience the truth that you are, God, you experience the truth, that you are a tiny, insignificant speck of sand.
How do you have access to the most power in the entire universe by recognizing that you have absolutely no fucking control whatsoever? Like how do you experience the greatest depth of love? You dive headfirst into shame. Like for me, that's like always the thing that I, I am brought back to is like the para, like the, the paradox is the portal.
And so when [00:12:00] we're, whenever I surrender control or the illusion of control, 'cause it doesn't exist anyway, whenever I surrender the illusion of control, that's when I. I'm always even like, that's when I always experience the greatest depths of power. And other examples of it are like if I'm in a client call, and this doesn't happen really that much anymore, but certainly earlier if I had moments of like insecurity, which is control, right?
You're thinking brand's like, is that good enough? Should I ask a better question? Are they getting what I need? All of that is efforts to like be in control of the conversation. And I would have to say to my brain, like, your insecurity has to wait till this 90 minutes is over. Like go, go, go sit on the sidelines.
We'll deal with you later because this session will be less powerful and I will be less in my power if I'm feeding that like
need to be in control. Um. Also like when it comes to creating the big metric, I [00:13:00] mentioned in our pleasure episode last week. I went for a walk the other day. In the beginning of the walk, I was like, you know what, universe, I'd like $1,500.
Thank you very much.
Mm-hmm.
And I went for a walk. I mean, I feel like I'm totally having some feelings now, like I'm gonna sound one of those obnoxious white girly manifestation
cares?
um, uh, I'm just naming it. I'm just naming it. Um, and I went for, I went for a walk and sure enough, that's exactly what happened by the end of the walk.
And in the, but in the walk among many, many things, part of what happened was this, which is always, always, always the answer for me. Part of what happened was like, you have got to let go of control, like we received your request. Shut up and get out of the way. You're not in charge. And if you keep trying to be in charge, you're actually keeping it out.
So if you, if you wanna be the powerful God creator who says, yes, ring me, like reign monies and jewels upon me, you gotta in your power, like, call on the [00:14:00] energy of creation and make the request and then like, and then let go. And also, I'm not in charge of it. And it like, we have to, um, yeah, we just, we have to let go of control.
I find over and over again, I have to, every time I'm grasping for control, I'm actually pulling myself out of my own experience of being powerful.
Yes. Woo. Okay. This is not where I thought the conversation was gonna go. 'cause I feel like we're gonna get real existential here. But you know, these are my favorite kinds of conversations. So I wrote down, you know, control is the antithesis of power, which I love so much because I also wanted to tie this conversation to like just the times that we're living in with the government that's that we have in America. Isn't that just so interesting? It's all about control. It's all about control. And that is. In our like, I don't know, capitalistic society perceived as power.
[00:15:00] Mm-hmm.
And so that's also tricky because I'm like, so then how do we either fight against this system or, or liberate ourselves from the system, um, in a system and where, where like control is kind of power, you know? Um, because that's a different kind of control, right. We're just, this part of this is also just semantics and words. 'cause C control
also means, yeah, exactly. Is it Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
because, uh, okay. Think about it. We were talking in vi and error about this just the other day. Everything that you give power to outside of you that you're letting define your value, has control over you. Right?
And we live in an ecosystem that really intentionally fosters that, right? Fosters like, oh, your self-worth is like having good skin. So buy all these skincare products. Your self-worth is your bank account balance, right?
So our, the, the chatter constantly is about like taking [00:16:00] your power away from you and putting it into like, you know, this capitalist consumer shit or whatever else. And
this is gonna sound simplistic and Pollyannish and I, I'm not, I don't, I'm not meaning that, but what is happening right now in American government that's other than like these assholes are extracting control and the way in which they're doing it is reinforcing this experience of our own powerlessness and separating us from power, separating us from the community, the power of community separating us from, right.
It's. Control is being used to separate us from power through fear, through like the deluge of terrible news and information through shitty, toxic, um, you know, policy systems. Right? So the whole system right now of like fascist takeover in America is control designed to separate us from power. 'cause if we are all connected to our power and each [00:17:00] other, then
Yeah. Then they
we actually can have an impact.
Right.
Yes, but I'm not following your point. Like, so, so then what? Like how, so therefore I think the question is
Well I think I was specifically pointing to you were saying like that the si like the system of control in like Fascist America is different than the system of control of like, me trying to control what people think of me.
Oh, I see,
actually pointing to that. I actually think it's the same. It's, it's a matter of scale and manipul like it's, you know, it's a matter of scale, but it's a similar.
It's the same spectrum of like, control is a separation from power, control is disempower, control fosters, disempowerment? Like, I don't think they're
as different.
But where I'm confused is we're talking about how control isn't power, but I actually do feel like. The government does have, con, does have power because of their ability to control people. That's where I'm saying it's like confusing, like we're saying control is the antithesis of power, which [00:18:00] like given your, in your perfect example, which is perfect. It's like, yeah. If we're trying to control what everyone thinks, if we're trying to control the outcome of like, I dunno, a pro, a creative project or something like that, then of course it's zaps is of our power, but it con but semantically using control in terms of like the government, like the government does have power because it controls the systems.
It has control over us whether we like it or not. It's true, you know, like it taxes and blah, blah, blah, and that's really frustrating.
And I also think that if I were like in a mushroom trip right now, the mushrooms would be like, but they're. That is controlled because it's illusion like Right? They're operating on,
That's okay. That, no, there we go. That's it. That, that totally lands for me. Yeah. 'cause
it's, that's why it is an illusion. And, and
actually we're all brainwashed into it. Me and you included, you know what I mean?
Like, meaning like, sure. We, we ha we have these ideals and also, um, [00:19:00] intentions to, you know, have a better system. But the fact that it exists means that like, we're not quite there yet. And because, because, um, it is an illusion because, you know, as they've said in every history book, it's like, if the people truly, if we all just band together and like, fought back, you know, or like stopped buying shit or, you know, like we have, we have so much fucking power
as the collective.
It just, and it just takes us all to band together. This like. Go, government would, would fall.
But we don't because we're, because it's the illusion of like, oh, but we can't, because, you know, we're, whatever. Do you do, I'm, I'm not
explaining this very well.
yes, yes, yes. And also,
and we also feel like we can't because we're so, the very system is so fosters this feeling of not being fucking safe. Right. I watched it, I watched this happen in my own body last night where I, so as of the time recording Trump's tariff on the fucking [00:20:00] penguins, did you hear about the penguins?
Oh my God, come
on.
so fucking dumb. So this this terrible tariff shit, which is like every, I mean, it's just like. It's just bad economics. Like, just aside from the like human rights catastrophe that's happening in America, I'm like, this is just gonna make our whole country poor. Like, come on. Right. It's just like, uh, I thought all that you all cared about was money anyway.
Um, but they like list of countries that they put these tariffs on, does not include Russia, but does include this random uninhabited island that only has penguins on it.
Oh my
And it's just like, just evidence that like, you fucking morons. Like you don't even, you don't like what? Anyway. Um, but I was watching in my body like how much. [00:21:00] Despair was creeping in. I was watching, I've been feeling like super jazzed and excited and confident about all these things that are happening in my, like internal energetics, in my, my clients' lives, in the breakthroughs my clients are having in my own business breakthroughs.
Like it really, I really have been feeling for a while this beautiful period of like spring and fertility and growth. And I was watching, you know, I was watching this news about the tariffs filtered through like goofy TikTok videos about penguins, right? Like, I was like, and I was just watching this despair creep into my whole body of like, oh, it's not gonna work.
It's not gonna be okay. It's not gonna be safe. And again, I'm not in control. I don't know what's gonna happen. And also I could feel this, like, I could just feel how the, this external. Thing was just like creating a whole new, I was let, I was like letting it create this whole new experience in my body of just like, well, and then I watched, 'cause [00:22:00] I stayed up too late.
So then I got to the point where like, you're too tired and your brain starts to do all sort of, and then I started turning into this whole thing about like love a bit. Like, I just watched this, like this energy that started as like anxiety about the economy because our government is full of morons.
Turned into like concern for myself and my clients and my family about the economy, which then somehow turned into this place of like just like self-loathing about like grab bag shit. You know, like what's, what's in there? What can we hate ourselves about? And then I made myself go to bed and I woke up and I was fine.
But, um,
Uh, but isn't that, it's so interesting what the doom the late night doom scroll can do. It's truly like the brain is just wild at that time of night.
yeah, but, and I, but I like within putting it within the context of this conversation feels like an perfect example of how like. This external thing was having control over me. And so it was cr and as a result, then it was creating this internal reality, which then, like, if I let that continue, would tell me today, well, don't even bother telling anybody about firebrand [00:23:00] or money in the Fawn or, right, because you don't, it's all bad anyway.
You know. It would, that's what it would turn into.
Mm-hmm. So
bring me home. What's your point? Why did we get here that like this is how, something about how people are disempowered.
I think it felt for me, like watching an example of how this thing outside of me was having more control over me. Like I was giving it the authority, like about my stability and, you know, possibility. And then watching how I gave it in giving that external thing control over me.
I felt disempowered. And then it started to erode all these other things that didn't even seem like they had to do with like economic stability, right? They started to just like erode all sorts of other things. And I think, um, so I think one of the things on my mind is about how power is about not letting these external [00:24:00] things have control over us.
Also, one of my questions is how do we look in the face and see clearly what is happening without letting it have control over us? Right? Because I don't wanna be some like high vibe girly who's like, what tariffs. I live in a different world where those don't exist.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
also I don't wanna let that shit have control over
You also don't want it to be the, the other extreme, which is like, you know, being a human is just pain. All this is just terrible. And why do we even exist? You know, where you get, where you get so
dark that you're over, that you're over, which I also, I also see a lot of, it's like your whole identity is just to be angry and miserable.
well, and, but even, yes, that, but also there's even like a, a much subtler version of that, which is like. I don't want, I don't want to internalize a story that these tariffs are gonna fuck up my business. Even though, yeah, I definitely have the kind of business that when, like, when the economy tanks [00:25:00] villain era is not on your,
potentially not on your, like if you can't afford eggs, you're not planning up for billionaire, right?
Um, and so, um, and so, but I don't wanna let that, wanna let that have control over me and how I move, um, in this like subtle, like,
you know, invasive, in invasive vine of fear. But I also don't want to like, just pretend it's not happening
Right? Yes.
anyway.
Well, I don't know. I, I am, I'm gonna be so honest and I. Listeners, I don't know where you're at, but like I feel like this conversation has gotten away from me a little bit. 'cause I'm like,
I don't
just about to say, I feel like we went on a whole sidetrack that wasn't even where we meant to go.
Well, kind of, I did wanna bring in, of course I did though that, I mean, I did wanna talk about what is the relationship to our power in this time, which is an [00:26:00] ongoing question. So it's okay that we don't have an answer, but I do think you're, what you're speaking to is like the bigger question that I have too about like, okay, it's the, it's like some sort of paradox of like, how do we do both?
How do we hold both or how do we not, and that's how I feel about this idea of like, letting go is powerful. Like, so I'm gonna, I'm trying, I'm trying to like circle it back here to
this where where we kind of were earlier,
I have a question for
wait, hold on, let me, let me finish this thought. So like, where, so where like letting go is powerful, right? And it's like. I, when I hear that, when that rings true for me, There's like the practical thing. To me it's practical, this idea of like, okay, then I'm gonna let go, go of like what people think of me, so then I can just fucking enjoy myself and be, you know, whatever,
you know, have a good time. That's true.
But, but going back to the existential version of that is like,
Yeah.
[00:27:00] oh, actually you're right. Like I am the most powerful when I like completely let go and I'm talking like, lighting go all the way, like all the fucking way. And the issue that I have is I feel like I do this dance where I'm like, I, where I have these like mystical experiences where I'm like, oh yes, of course.
Like of course like I'm here to let go all the way and to let life guide me in whatever direction. It's like, you know, it's meant to take me. And when I believe that like. We live in a friendly universe. I can do that more because I'm like, I can trust the outcome of wherever life is taking me. But then I like forget or I get scared again.
Then I come back like into control. I'm like, no, no, no, I gotta control all these things. And it's constant back up of the dance. Like, and, and then where I also get confused is like, oh, you know, but like, where's free will, you know, we've had this conversation a million times again, asking the questions that have no [00:28:00] answers.
Like, where's free will in all of this? Like, if I let go of control completely, does that mean that I don't have any say? Like, what does that actually even mean to let go completely?
Does it mean that I don't, I'm not listening to myself and I'm not like in my body. Do you know what I mean? And I think I get these things misconstrued and, and contort them.
Um. Now I feel like I'm bringing this conversation to another place that's maybe unrelated, but like what does it mean to let go completely while also, um, having sovereignty in your life? I think it's
like, actually I think I can probably answer that question. Actually. No, I think about it.
Can I take a stab?
Yeah, yeah. Also, listeners, please just know I just quietly nodded and looked out the window, like, oh fuck. This is a hard one,
Yes. I think, I think we know the answer though. This isn't the first time we've had this conversation. I was like,
oh wait, I know, like [00:29:00] we've done this before. It's like to let go means to actually just be free, to be free to do whatever feels like whatever feels true and happy and like free for you. On a moment by moment basis. And in that paradoxical way, it is completely letting go because it's letting go of anything that gets in the way of your freedom while also living a sovereign life. Or you have like choice. It's because you're doing like whatever is feels free to you is the universe guiding you. That's actually all the universe really wants.
It just really wants you to just be a liberated, like a li. That's what it is. It's like consciousness actually already has no rules. It's it already is free. So it's just saying, come join me here, join me here. Like this is actually your true nature. But so what we're letting go of is all of the things that get, get in the way of our true nature and then we're just like living as free individuals.
And that's where we usually get freaked the fuck [00:30:00] out. 'cause we're like, oh no, but if I'm totally free, I'm gonna end up homeless on the street. I'm gonna like lose everything that I love. I'm gonna like disown my family, like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And. I have like a theme that came up for me in this last retreat in Brazil, which was like, so not new, but it landed in a deeper way.
It was like, oh, I, I remember now like every time I get close to truth, every time I get close to truth. I know because then fear will come in like real loud and show me an image of like, oh no, but this is what's gonna happen if you live according to truth. And it's like, you know, homelessness, right? Or whatever.
And then that's how I know actually that I'm getting closer to truth actually, because the fear is so freaked out that it's gonna start showing me images of like how that's unrealistic or why that's scary and why that's dangerous. And I go, okay, like, sure, I see you fearful images, but my job is to test this out in the [00:31:00] laboratory of my life and be like, there's only one way to find out.
There's only one way to find out. And that is to be, to continue to live the path of freedom. It's a risk because sure, I could end up being homeless, but like that's been speaking to me so loudly recently, this idea of like, there's only one way to fucking find out, and that is to
live it. I have to do it.
I have to follow that path of like freedom and
I was thinking about this just last night. Like I was thinking about this just last night, that why sometimes the. Everything is, sometimes everything is working out for me and, um, sometimes like grates on me that like phrase, like, everything's working out for me. Not because I don't think that's true, but because my mind turns that into a story of like, and therefore I follow this checklist of getting exactly what I want and the order that I want.
Right. And there's this, um, you so, so beautifully. You talk about like how much doing to get causes suffering and I was literally just last night sitting [00:32:00] on my couch thinking we do the things because we would be sad if we didn't. Right. We, we do the things not because of their outcome, but because like, fuck it, I don't know.
I
like, they're meaningful to us. Like that's what we would do if we could do anything. You know, it just naturally is our joy.
Is that what
Right. Yeah, yeah. Like it's not, you're not doing it to get an outcome. You're doing it because it's like. It's the next, it's the, it's the next right step. It's like the truth that is calling you forward in this moment. It's like the thing you want to experience next. And so that's where, that's where you go.
Um, which feels like a tangent away from power specifically, but, um, but connected to surrender. And the other thing that I'm thinking about as you're talking is, um, how I think [00:33:00] that place of like letting go and letting it be out of control and surrender, which is also a place where power shows up for me.
It's like the place where everything exists at the same time. And like, maybe the thing about control is that it's an experience of, of what we might call power, but without the letting go. And therefore it's like the illusion of it is that it's only one side of the paradox. Right. And like maybe everything actually is everything.
All everything all at the same time is like the, is the true, is like the, is the truth of things. And so like power has to include letting go. It has like, everything has to include its inverse to like actually experience be be like a whole in complete thing. This is getting really like, wow. Wow. but, but I'm thinking about some of, I think some of my [00:34:00] resistance then to really letting myself feel power is kind of similar to what I was thinking about pleasure last week is like the getting blown out by it because it's everything, right?
The, the thing that I'm, we're, we're calling power for me is those moments where like everything could coexisting at the same time and I'm letting to whatever extent I'm able to, the everythingness of it flow through me. And um, and there is a little bit of like, I mean, there's an ego death in that, and there is a little bit of like, I'm not in control, and there is a little bit of like, and I might get blown out by this, or where will it take me or what will I lose?
Or I don't know, is this even making sense?
Yes. I mean in terms of like being afraid of power, essentially. Yeah. I
mean, I think that's really common, right? It's like we have this idea that it's gonna be so [00:35:00] big that we will be, I think that that phrase blown out is interesting because I think it's so accurate, but it's like, what does that even mean?
It's gonna be like we're gonna be overwhelmed by it, taken over by it, not have, not, it's gonna be too much for our bodies or whatever. You know? It can show up in a lot of these different ways and. Yeah, there's like a couple ways that I feel like we could find out if that's true, is like, I think there's a more extreme way, which I'm finding out is my personality, which is so funny because I think I can be really cautious, but I think my personality is like, well there's only one way to find out.
Let's go all the fucking way. And then let's see, you know, there's a,
I feel like I've stepped into that a little bit more this past, I dunno, probably since moving to Brazil, you know, this
idea of like, I used to be so afraid of like chaos and now I'm like, I think just through ceremonies just been like, well actually I've had the lived experience of like, well, uh, I stepped my edge and it was actually okay.
So like, let's just like keep going, you know? [00:36:00] And if that doesn't feel accessible, which I don't even know if is the best way this, there's other way that you were speaking about before we even started recording, which was like, when it starts to come in this power that we're all, that I think we're, all of us are so afraid of, um. Just giving yourself space to breathe and to, and to notice and to ask yourself like, am I available for this? You know, or like, or what do I need right now? Some, some version of like, wait, I have a choice. You know, I'm not just some victim who has no say in this process. Like, I get to check in with myself and say, Hey, do I, can I let this in right now?
Or is this too much? And if it's like too much, okay, then I say, let me just take a breather, come back to me, you know, in two weeks. That kind of thing. Um, which I think is also really helpful in so many areas of our life. But, you know, it's not like Mary Marian Williamson quote that's like super famous, is like, you know, our true fear.
I don't know, I'm [00:37:00] gonna butcher. Our true fear isn't that we're like unlovable or whatever. Our true fear is that we're powerful beyond measure and. We're like so afraid of what would happen if we like fully stepped into our power. And it's like, well actually you can like microdose that shit. You know?
You don't have to take a full huge fucking dose and then, and then, you know, lose your mind. You could just microdose, microdose power.
Dear listeners, this is a strange episode for us to record because there is some like. Woozy feeling energy that's moving through us and we just had to pause and both just like meditate and feel whatever we were feeling. Um, so this is an abrupt transition. We have no, no better way to explain what's going on.
Except I will point to like, this is, this is what power, this is one of, this is what power feels like to be right, is like there is something so much fucking bigger than me and like I can feel it in my body. We're both having some like woozy. [00:38:00] I am really curious for listeners what your experience is because maybe this is just a little Kyley and Eva bubble and other people are gonna be like, I mean, yeah, it was just you two chatting.
I'm really curious to know people's experience, but like, this feels like a perfect example of the like surrender power. Like I'm clearly not in charge. Doesn't make any sense why we keep having like, there's no logical reason why we are both having this kind of profound
Physical reaction.
and sensory experience and also.
We are. And also I feel very clear that something is shifting inside of me. Um, and uh, I feel quite powerful
Mm-hmm.
but I'm not in charge of it,
you know? So all that being said, thanks for going on this journey with us. Eva, you had something a little like tangible to talk to, so let's go there.
You might have, you wanted to bring us back
I do wanna, I wanna bring us back to, you know, the origin of this conversation, which is like, what is [00:39:00] powerful, how to feel powerful. And to your question of like, well, what is it that I'm really desiring? You know,
like why, if I'm looking to feel more powerful, why there must be some deeper longing there that I'm trying to, uh, um, experience or some itch I'm trying to scratch.
And I don't know, it's interesting. Being more powerful could look like a different, a lot of different things. It's like showing up more powerfully in your business or standing up for, in some relationship that feels unequal to you, or making a big move, you know, like making some big transition in your life or getting out of some relationship.
It all looks, it looks different. But I think it goes back to again, this idea of like, I just wanna be more free, more and more and more and more free. And in all of those scenarios that I, examples that I just gave, it's about just being more uninhibitedly ourselves like, and in my case, maybe more, more loudly and more [00:40:00] proudly. Sometimes I think this can be like an inward experience, but for me right now, I'm craving some sort of like, outward expression of this and like creativity and, and um, you know, all these things. And actually listeners of this podcast, I think could track that this has been a long journey of mine, right?
Because, you know, I deal with a lot of like, insecurity, self-consciousness. That's like, it's very interesting 'cause I think I, I can be very confident in some areas of my life and there's other areas of my life where I, you know, I do the fawning and I play really small and it's just been like an ongoing part of my path of like stepping more and more and more into my, my power. So.
But I ans Wait, can I, can I finish this thought? I'm going on a
little bit because I, I don't wanna lose it.
Um, I think I answered my question though, which is like, so how to be more powerful, how to be more free is, I think I just need to do whatever feels like freedom to [00:41:00] me in that moment on a, and check in on a moment by moment basis. And, um, test out if all the scary things are gonna happen that I think are gonna happen if I'm completely uninhibited. You know, like, so, and I think there's only one way to find out, and I think it's to have, you know, when people talk about being self-realized, it's like you realize, like it has to be, it can't just be intellectual, it has to be realized from experience. I think it is a little bit about like going to my edge and seeing if my life falls apart or going to my edge and seeing if I'm, you know, kicked out of love or whatever. And I also think, um, there are parts that will be supportive for me in that like somatic work when I maybe my, my, my nervous system feels like it's on edge. [00:42:00] I also think safety is a huge piece of that. We started talking about that earlier, and maybe we'll come back to this again at some point, but I also think we feel powerful when we're safe. And that's why so many people who aren't, you know, who are um, disenfranchised, don't have power because it's like you don't even have the foundational piece of safety.
And I think that's by design, like from our government too. You know what I mean?
Mm-hmm.
It's like, that's also really huge. Um. So I don't know. This is just me speaking to a little experiment I think I have been working on and will continue to work on and want to report back on.
Yes.
Okay. Yes. Thank you for listening. What's your question?
Well, I'm gonna actually respond to something different because. I'm just gonna share something. One of the kind of prayers that I set last night was [00:43:00] about, you know, last week I talked a lot about this like pleasure and receiving energy that I've been in, and I've been watching the parts of me who are like, Hmm, but like, pleasure letting it be good,
eh? Like how much, you know, um, off on water spout is safer, right? And, uh, last night it was like dialoguing with that part of myself and like feeling into where that like contractional my heart of like, kind of just like this gatekeeping energy. And I was just sort of like, what is it gonna take for you to just like, can you just try?
Can we just try? Can we just try? Can you just stand down? You know? Um.
Can you, can you clarify? Can you just try what?
Can, can you just, can you just try not being a gatekeeper? Right? Can you just like, try standing down, like letting the floodgates open and like watch what happens. And I couldn't feel how much this part of me was like, [00:44:00] um, no.
Mm-hmm.
Right. And I, I've un I've also just been like really marveling recently about how stubborn I am.
We actually had a conversation about offline, about this and really like a delicious, uh, again, let's just, I'm a Taurus and that part of the tourist stereotype, like I don't really give a shit about food the way people say that we do, but I am. So I almost, I care about luxury and like comfortable fabrics and I'm stubborn as fuck.
And, but I've been like, really, I really love that about myself. I've been watching how like this, this part who's like, kind of this like gatekeeping, which is control energy or this like gatekeeping energy is just like so stubborn. And I've just been like, I don't even know what to do with you. Like, I don't, I've, I've looked at it from all these different angles.
I've been sitting with you, I've been loving you. I've been, I don't know, you're just so stubborn. What the fuck? And, um, and I kind of just like said a prayer, which is the kind of prayer that I set all the [00:45:00] time, which is just like, I'm ready for this to shift and I don't have to be in charge of how, and like I'm re, you know, I can't, I can't force this, I can't force this gatekeeping to dissolve.
And also I would like it to. And so I'm putting the prayer out there and that's actually the transmission that I've been getting this whole episode without actually, like as you were talking, I could feel like. This like woozy energy that I keep feeling that I'm like, what is even happening? It's, it's that like you were talking about, like, don't know.
I don't, that's the only one way to find out. So I'm just gonna like jump and find out what happens. And I could feel my body, like that's what I was, that's what I'm receiving because that's what I asked for.
Mm. Mm-hmm.
And so to that, to that to me also just tied into this power that feels like power. It's like I asked for something, I was really clear about my ask, and then also I let go 'cause I'm not in [00:46:00] charge.
Right? And then handful of hours later I can, I could just, I got a, I got a like magical shot injection,
what I was asking for. And I can feel in my body that like this will shift something. And 24, 36 hours from now, I think there will be a different energy where that guard has been, um. Very devotedly, you know, stand in attention.
Um, yeah. And that feels like power.
Okay. That's really interesting because I think it feels we're we're, we're both expressing different ways in which we're experiencing power.
I think it's powerful to be like to, for me to be like, take a stand and say, I, my fear is saying that all these terrible things are gonna happen, but I'm actually gonna. [00:47:00] Call your bluff. I'm gonna, I'm like willing to play chicken with you. Let's see, let's find out. That's
basically it, you know, it's like, okay, let's see. And that feels powerful to me, to not be, to not succumb to the fear
essentially. Right. And you're experiencing power in this way of like asking for what you want.
I mean, and that's like, ugh. There's just so many pieces to that. That's also just, that takes power to even ask for what you want. It sounds easy, but I know there's a lot of volume motherfuckers out there who aren't even doing that. We don't always do that well
because
don't know since we don't even know what we
we don't know what we want and then we don't think
we're deserving of it.
We don't think that we can just ask anyway. So that's like whatever. But so you're asking for what you want and then to let go and to be really open to have all this space for it to come in. That all, there's this like trust piece. I think that also feels really powerful. And I think, um, I just, I don't know if I have like a clean, tidy bow, but I, I think I just wanna name different ways. In which we can experience powerful. 'cause I [00:48:00] think both are like, I, I also feel what you're, what you're, what you're putting down, you know, like that is, that's also part of my journey
as well, you know, to ask and then to allow and then to receive. Um, and I think in some ways there's actually a Venn diagram where like all of this is like connected somehow.
Yeah.
Um, I don't, I couldn't draw one out for you right now, but, but I think it's connected,
Yeah. I mean,
but mm-hmm. But I, I still think it's like, what I wanna be so mindful of is, I think it's really tricky because I, the question I asked earlier is like, how are we, how can we, what did I say? Let go completely while also having sovereignty.
Mm.
And I think that's my question to you in your scenario, if people are listening to you and going like, okay, Kyley, that sounds really great.
Like, I want to allow, I want to ask, allow, receive.[00:49:00]
Um, but like, where do I show up in this then, you
know, where do mm-hmm.
Go ahead.
Yeah. Like is there some action that I need to take? Because then I think it can get, it can get distorted to be like, and then I don't do anything. I'm just supposed to sit on the couch and wait for things to come, and I actually don't think that's it. I don't think that's what you're saying.
And I think that can be the case. Sure. If that's what you want, but that's not usually what we really
want.
so once, once upon a time I said a similar prayer. 'cause I do, this is like one of my like most common practices, right? Is I like, see a pattern and I just offer it up and I'm like, okay, I'm ready for this to change and like, and then I just trust you're gonna make it change. In this instance, it's changing.
While I knit and drink tea and talk to my best friend on a podcast, once upon a time, there was a story, there was a, um. I had this aha that my relationship to money had always been money as teach. No. Well, for a while money was just judgmental. Patriarchal, [00:50:00] you know, angry God. But then for a long time, money was teacher.
Teacher, right? And in which case, which meant money was always lessons. And I thought, oh, that's kind of a tough dynamic, right? Because it's, it's more generous than money as this patriarchal God. But it's still always like lessons and learning and efforting and hierarchy and do, I said out loud, I am ready for money to feel like friend.
And the next day, the next day, one of my oldest friendships in the world blew up. Not Liz Simpson, if anyone's wondering, but another former podcast guest, Gina Cad, like, who a third grade episode? You should listen to it and you should all go buy her book. 'cause it is really, really beautiful. But it like completely spectacularly exploded.
Um, and was like. Brought directly in my face like, great, you want money to feel like a friend. Here's all the ways in which you are contracted because you think you're a shitty friend. And like, and so yeah, money does feel like [00:51:00] friend, but your friend stories like, need some work,
Mm. Mm-hmm.
And then the leadership blew up.
So life was really like, ho ho. You want, you want a friend, you want a friend, uh, magic. Um, and I stand here now and like money and love and friendship, all feel really fucking different and open and expansive and like much more connected to an embodied experience of unconditional love than anything I've ever known before.
And I had to, there was a lot of doing, there was a lot of like living and breathing and ugly crying, especially to you in both of those instances, right? And so like. Yes. Sometimes the the like, sometimes like that's the, to me, that's the thing about the surrender is like, I don't know how I'm gonna get, I don't know how this is gonna happen, but I trust that it'll happen in the, like, so that's the power action piece was like, then I had to show the fuck up for that.
Mm-hmm.
[00:52:00] And here, I think some of the power action piece, the showing up has maybe been like the moments that we've paused and let ourselves just be present with energy that feels like it's swirling,
right? But in both, both instances, I guess maybe it's a moment, like one was, this is very gentle and that was really huge, but there was both a like, and now your job is to show up for it.
Yep. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Does that make sense? Does that
Yeah. That feels like you're part in that essentially is, yeah. It's like, yeah. Okay. Interesting. Hmm.
And, and maybe also to like engage with those things, both the pleasurable and the like, you know, more complicated. Maybe not from the place of victim, because that's of like, why is this happening to me? But the, the power, choosing power in those moments was also like, okay, show me how this is for me, kind of energy.
Mm-hmm.
That's a, that's a thought experiment. There not, I'm not commit, I'm not having to commit to that, but
yeah, yeah, yeah. [00:53:00] Mm-hmm.
Does that answer your question?
Yes. Essentially, I think in every one of these scenarios it's like, like, do we show up for the assignment? And like, to be very clear, I don't think that assignment has to be hard or miserable or
like, you know, whatever.
It's not like, uh, the assignment in your case right now currently is like, oh, can you put pleasure in?
You know what I mean? Like, can be, the assignment can be really great,
um, and loving and gentle if you want it to be in all of these things. But it's kind of like, yeah. So that basically it'll show you where. You are not yet in alignment or have what you want. And then, so then how you can like match that essentially.
And that's gonna look really different in every, every, every scenario. So I think power is also, yeah, that's really interesting. Power is having, like this, [00:54:00] the, I don't, I was gonna say like the self-efficacy, like the belief in the self that like, you can meet the assignment, which I think is true.
I think you have to have a certain amount of, like, feel a certain degree of like, empowerment to be like, okay, like this is scary or I don't like this, but like I'm, but like I'm willing, you know, to like, um, to change and do things different. I believe that it's possible for me to like show up for the assignment. Um, but I think it's also just like openness. So maybe it's not even self-efficacy, it's like willingness and openness to be like, I. And that's actually so powerful. Like I'm willing and open to show up for the assignment to do things differently, to meet the challenge.
You know what's also coming into my mind? You said something really beautiful about freedom and you were saying basically like part of the as assignment, if we're gonna use that language, is like to like follow your desire. That wasn't the exact word you used, but it was basically like, if I wanna do something, let [00:55:00] myself do something.
Let myself be outta control, let myself like just respond to my desires. And I wonder if that's actually. Always the answer because, you know, when I was talking about those two moments of like, you know, heartache, my desire in those moments was to like ugly cry, right? My desire in, right. My desire in those moments was in some instances to like be mad and stomp my feet.
My desire was to be deeply with that experience. Um, and so, you know, sometimes we think of desire specifically about like pleasure and, and like longing and the, like, you know, the things we look yearn for. But I think a truer, for me, a truer desire is just like, what is it that I want in this moment? And sometimes what I want in this moment is to be ri or to be sad or whatever.
Yes.
So
can I, can I, mm-hmm. I really wanna jump into this because that's like, that's like such a key [00:56:00] point to all of this is I think I am guilty of being like, okay, following my desires and I have an idea of what that looks like and it's maybe I have some image of it's like beautiful and free and blah, blah, blah.
And then I try and like. Follow that. I try to imitate it, essentially. It's an imitation, but I think you just said it so perfectly. No, sometimes the desire is to ugly cry. Sometimes the desire is to be a fucking messy, wet fish flopping around on the floor. You know, like,
Yes.
and that's, that's like, and I'm really, I'm like so guilty of that.
It's like I don't actually let myself follow my true, like my true desire. I have to know like, what does it actually mean to be free in this moment? And 'cause I, you know, I've said this a couple times on this podcast recently. It's like, I will take a spiritual realization and then use it against myself.
And so, like, I think I'm supposed to be, like, Kyley has this analogy where like, like, I think I'm supposed to be like the tree, which is like solid and [00:57:00] immutable and calm and, um, all the time. And that's what it looks like to be like free. Or, or peaceful or something. And I'm like, no, I'm actually, I'm realizing I'm not the, I'm not the true e I'm the bird.
And the bird is like fluttering around and colorful and messy and whatever, jumping all over the place. And you know, and this is, sorry, I feel like I'm losing, I'm not, I'm kinda losing the thread with this analogy, but it is this idea of, like, for example, lemme give you something more tangible. I am really rigid sometimes I'm, I can be rigid and OCD and really particular, and I think that that's wrong. And so I think that that's wrong. And so I like kind of give myself shit for it. But I think if I were to be really free and honest with myself, I would own that. And I would be like, you know what? Just let me be as fucking rigid as I want to be and not apologize for it and [00:58:00] take a fucking space and make demands and be a bitch about it if I want to. and
and not, and not, you know, feel. Apologetic about it. And that to me is like, well, that's what freedom for me would feel like. And then I have to test it and be like, but if I'm like that in my relationship is, you know, am I in my relationships? Are people would gonna like, you know, just think I'm a monster and then not wanna hang out with me.
Yes, yes, yes. Yeah. Like the, the desire sometimes is to be what you're calling rigid, which is a thing, like this podcast would not exist if Eva didn't have this in her. Like this straight up would not be a thing that exists, right? Like, um. Yeah, I mean that's really interesting. That's like, there's some story that like spiritual Eva or free Eva, and I think, I imagine it's complicated because you are a paradoxical creature where you are on the one hand, like you are [00:59:00] very much this like free flowing, you know, I live in Brazil and I love to dance, you know, into like
in the jungle. I love it.
service.
Yeah, exactly. And, and you have, um, I wouldn't, um, I wouldn't use the word rigid, but you do have like a, a, a capacity and an appreciation for things having a certain kind of order when there are cer certain kinds of things you like to have a certain kind of order. Right? And, and, uh, and maybe what's also feels like there's some kind of incongruous of like, maybe there's some sense of like, it should only be one or the other.
Mm-hmm.
Like you're like, like one is more true, like one is an illusion self and the other is a true
Yes. Or like, if, if my real self self was free, I wouldn't be that way. And I'm like, I'm only like really understanding now. Like actually, no. My real self is my real self. My real self is whoever. Just so
funny. My real self is whoever the fuck I am in that moment.[01:00:00]
and I think to the point of like control versus power, when it feels like rigid and it's a thing that you're like resisting, that probably feels like small energy, but in allowing it, that feels like kind of clean energy of like, this is the way I would like it done. How are we gonna go about that?
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Oh my God, so good. Mm-hmm. I'm actually gonna write that down.
Mm-hmm. sometimes, the phrase that I use when I had my job when I was a sales director and I had like 25 direct reports, is that I had all the responsibility and none of the power, which is what I to don't recommend. Um. Very fond response of me. Um, and yeah, so that rigidness feel is like coded with like responsibility and like, I shouldn't want this, but I want this.
But also it's gotta be the anyways, and there's a, like when it's power. Yeah. I'm just feeling this like shoulders leaning back. Like, this is my desire, this is how [01:01:00] I'd like it to be done. There's, there's space in there for other people to share how they want it done. And also it's fucking powerful. Like, we, like we, we benefit from you having that, from that being part of your, you know,
my God. Yes.
Uh,
presence.
yeah. Yeah. Whew. Okay. Um, were you gonna say something? I was gonna bring us
Well, and there's also thinking of, uh, conversation I had with someone who'd, uh, someone who'd gone back and, oh,
yep, yep,
this is also making me think of a, um, moment that I had recently. There's a, a woman who I've known for a while and we've been going back and forth about whether or not she was gonna hire me for one-on-one coaching, and we kept like, chatting and then she'd kind of fade away.
We kept, anyways, I just texted her and was like, Hey, I'm gonna be bossy. I think you wanna hire me and I think you want support right now. And like, you're kind of chicken or egg, uh, about it. And like, [01:02:00] I, I think you want the support. And she wrote back, thank you for being bossy.
Mm.
And, and, you know, and signed up working with me.
And then it was like, I really wish I started this in November,
Mm-hmm.
I was like, you weren't, you weren't ready. Like it's silly fine. Right?
And um, and I think that feels like a moment similar to your, what you're talking about, about the rigid thing is like, it was easier, it was easier for my client when I just said, actually, I think you should hire me and I think that's what you want.
There's still a space in there for her to have her own sovereignty and power. But I was actually doing both of us a disservice when I was just a little bit leaning back and letting her fully make the call and not just saying what I knew to be true, which is like, shit, or get off the pot. You want this?
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Well, and also what I take from that is like, you know, you've, you've said before that like sometimes you have some story that being bossy is bad, or like you [01:03:00] feel like it's a negative trait.
And so again, when you resist it, it has this like small energy, I'm doing something wrong. Well, you know, like we try to make it go away or something, or
we apologize for it. And then when you just own it, actually it becomes queen energy.
Yes, yes,
other people benefit from it.
When you're also giving people like the space to, you know, have free will and make a choice, you're not forcing people into anything.
Which comes back to like, it's not control. Like I'm not in control of the outcome. Right. I wasn't saying you have to, I wasn't trying to manipulate her. I was just saying like, okay, the truth is what I think is that you want this and, and yeah. So it comes back to power is not control, but it is this like allowing.
This like simultaneous leaning in and letting go.
Yeah. Yeah. All right, friends. This was a journey. This one I think was, I mean, I loved this conversation, but it was also probably one [01:04:00] of the most, uh, I don't know, all over the place. Messy, loopy loop ones
Yeah. It felt like it kept slipping out of our grasp in a
yes. But,
interesting because I think that's actually also interesting because I think we both feel a kind of power when our episodes have, I mean, we meander, but there's episodes where we're like, that was fire. Like we got to these really like clear and precise and potent places, and this one feels much more like amberly in a way that I think I'm, I'm just appreciating that our power conversation felt like not what we would've picked for how we wanna feel most powerful on our podcast episodes.
You
I mean, it makes sense to me.
I mean, because, because I think we're. Anyway, I think this is an exploration and I think it will continue and I'm really sort of invested, so if I find out anything juicy, I will come and report
back.
hmm. Yeah. And I might need to unpack more of the Bossiness thing on the EPIs episode on an episode with you too, because that's
[01:05:00] I would love to
because I love it when you're a bossy bitch. Tell me what to do, mama. Okay. Okay. Let's do Joy.
Um, yeah. What's something that's bringing you joy, Kyley?
Hmm. So I am about to bundle up into my car and drive a handful of hours to go see one of my oldest dearest very best friends for the weekend. She has a newborn baby, but I haven't had a chance to meet yet. And she reached out 'cause her husband is going away for work and she was hoping to have a pal and.
Uh, you know, stay with her for the weekend. And I, so, first of all, just feel so delighted by the luxury of going to be with my friend, who there was a period of, we had our first job together. We went, we were roommates, we had our in college. We, uh, had our first job together. Well, my second job, her [01:06:00] first job, we went to grad school together.
She got her PhD, I got my master's, and we like, lived a couple blocks away. So there was a period of about like a good, like decade or so in our life where we were like
Oh wow.
the same tiny room or like right down the street from each other. And then she moved to Indiana. I had like, Desi and, and our, our, we went from like all like super, super, just geographically close to super geographically far away.
And, um, didn't change how tender we are in each other's hearts, but, um, there's just a sweetness of like going and just like, you know, holding her baby and hanging out with her all weekend. And in that joy is also like this. Experience of community on community, on community because my hu my husband is away this weekend.
So it was like kind of an inconvenient weekend to like drop my kids. I reached out to my mother and my mother-in-law. They both immediately were like, yep, absolutely. We'll take the kids. Then I realized that we needed a, a [01:07:00] sub for some Jessie's soccer gig, soccer coach. 'cause Nick is the coach and I was gonna sub and then I needed, so I reached out to a fellow dad friend and was like, Hey, will you come be the like substitute coach?
And he was like, yep, absolutely. It was just this moment of like, my friend Mikayla needs help or support or love and then all these people who don't even fuck, some of 'em don't even know her. Were like, yeah, I can help. And it was just this like cycle of like, this is what community is, this is what community care looks like, which is an interesting, you know, answer to.
Fascist takeover. America is just like everybody turning into, give in a way that they can and in a way that doesn't over give. And also just like this, like beautiful outpouring of support that I can see all pouring into my friend who in this moment like needs to want to come and like hang out with her and her fussy baby, and I'm
Oh, beautiful.
Yeah. I'm so glad that you get to be with your friend in this really like a beautiful and tender time.
And also, you know, I'm all about community. It's, it [01:08:00] feels so safe, honestly,
when we can have people come in and support us
And even like.
Scheduling. Like scheduling is really, really, really, really not my, like logistics are not my strong suit. And so having to manage all these logistics of like, okay, this soccer coach, this, this mom, grandmother, this grandmother, and like everyone, and I kind of totally screwed it up for part of it.
And everyone's just been like, yeah, we got you. We'll figure it out. And I just feel, I feel really lucky and appreciative and
I can't wait to go just be with my friend for a
Yay. I love that. Yay, yay, yay. Community care and friendship. Cute, cute, cute.
How about you? What's bringing you joy? My love.
The thing that's bringing me joy, similar to you, is this idea of community and friendship is the friendships that I'm making as being part of these retreats for love is the power. Um, I'm meeting a lot of really fucking cool people, and I think I'm just kind of letting that in. [01:09:00] Like on this retreat that we just had in Brazil, there was 30 something people, and we had people from 16 countries in just the 30 amount of people that were there.
And it's so fucking cool. And it's so interesting. It's, and you really get to know people. You know, we only spend a week together, but you really get to know people intimately.
Like, you know, we end up knowing things about each other that, you know, probably some of our good friends don't even know about us, you know, and we ha and we're like. Bonded together with a similar interest to really to self-awareness and and love and truth. And so I just feel really blessed to be part of this, whatever this is, this community, this global community of people where I am actually like keeping in touch with and continuing conversations with a lot of really awesome people from all over the world. While also [01:10:00] it's just weird thing because I have this introvert extrovert thing going on and it's like I am seeing how community is built. I think that's the other thing that's very interesting for me. It's like I love community so much and I talk about how it's really important to me and I think it's like foundational to living a. I think a, a like having quality of life, you know,
but also sometimes I'm just fucking lazy 'cause I'm an intro. I don't know, I wouldn't say lazy. I'm an introvert and I don't really wanna make the effort and it
just feels, it can feel like a lot, but I've observed how other people do it, how other people sort of like weave themselves in to other people's groups and how they make connections and how they keep in touch.
And I'm kind of learning just from observing other people.
And that's been pretty interesting. And I think it's just very strange. I think I am, [01:11:00] I'm, I, it's just, I, I, I don't understand this yet. Maybe you can like reflect this back to me as time goes on, but I have this weird thing where I'm an introvert, but I'm also a. A people connector. And I, I, I see that I have, and that's actually been true for me all my entire life. Like more so when I was in college and I was younger, I was more, more about like throwing parties and being wild and crazy. But now it's like, I think I do have this skill where I can bring people together, and this is like my cancer rising.
This is something that I'm like learning about. So like, you know, we grow into our rising sign and cancers are all about like community and care and blah, blah, blah. So anyway, this is a long-winded way of saying like, this is also something that I'm discovering about myself, but as I discover this about myself, I think I'm really enjoying the relationships, um, that I get to build in like my forties.
You know, it's so nice to be in your forties and people talk about how friendships are hard to make as an adult, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And if anything, I'm just, I'm meeting more and more people [01:12:00] and that's pretty cool.
Two things. One, in my perspective, cancer energy is all about the duality of intimacy and privacy. So most is the hard shell, right? The the cancer
has that hard, it's not Pisces. Pisces is just like, boom. Not me in the world, no boundaries, right? Cancer is like in, in like, um, yeah. Home and hearth and also boundaried and private.
So that actually doesn't feel in ous. And also can we do an episode about like introvert extrovert, because my whole life. I identified as being an extrovert. I mean, like in my early twenties I was in college. If I had to like be alone for like 20 minutes, I was just like, whoa, somebody come rescue me for myself.
And I don't, I, yeah, I mean that's definitely not true at all anymore. And I need, I need and want a lot of [01:13:00] alone time and I sometimes feel really like, confused about that because it's not, it's, you know, it's so that's come online in the past like however many years. Um,
I would love to have this conversation
'cause I find it very fascinating
and I wanna like, dis, I wanna dissect it all and also how we change over the years.
how we change and then how we like re how we relate to people with that new and, and also like how do you foster like deep intimacy when you are someone who also like, wants a lot of alone time and to the point of being like a people person.
Like Yeah. You and I both have like. We got a lot of people that we love. Right? The easy, the easy path if you're kind of introverted to me feels like keeping a small number of people, but I missed the boat on that one. So I have a lot of people that I really
I think you have more people than I, I think I'm actually more, uh, I wanna say SI wanna say I'm more selective, but I, I wanna be careful about that word because I don't think it means that you're not selective about [01:14:00] the people who not, I don't, I think there's like a hoity toity sound to that, but I
kind of am like, I kind
of am.
I'm like, I, if you are not bringing anything into my life, like I'm not gonna really spend time with you.
Yes. I mean, I think I, and I think that's, I think it's really easy for me to fall in love with people.
And I love that about you, Kyley. Like you are for, you are a people fucking person for
sure.
Yeah. And
I and I
sometimes to be like, like, stop, stop falling in love with people because you don't have anymore. Like you, your dance card is full. And then I meet somebody else and I'm like, but you're so cool and we have so much in common, and I like you so much and, and, and you have interesting things to say.
that is interesting. 'cause I don't think I have Okay. That's, this is, this is what we'll talk
about in the podcast because I don't think I have that problem as, as much as you do. No. And I think that is
why your dance card is very full.
Because when I was younger, it used to be like a, oh, well, if you [01:15:00] like me, I like you. But it's not bad anymore. It's just, yeah. I just keep, I just keep falling in love with people. It's very complicated. So yeah. Let's do that. Let's do that episode.
Okay.
All right.
We love you. Bye.