We’re back for Season 6 of Hello Universe! 🎉 We kick off this season with a listener question so many are asking.
We’re back for Season 6 of Hello Universe! 🎉
We kick off this season with a listener question so many are asking:
”Every time I open the news, I feel like I'm hit with another wave of heartbreak. Part of me wants to stay awake and engaged, but another part of me just feels so tired. But then I turn away to preserve my sense of self and protect joy, and I feel guilty and maybe irresponsible. How do you hold hope in a moment that feels so dark? How do I find the balance in a moment like this?”
Highlights
This episode is a balm for anyone who has felt the whiplash of living in a world of abundance and devastation at once. If you’ve ever wrestled with guilt for feeling joy, or wondered if your thread really matters, we made this one for you.
A Gentle & Fierce Path Forward: A Workbook for Staying Present, Committed and Resourced in Times of Crisis
https://portal.kyleycaldwell.com/gentle-fierce-workbook
Eva
Sign up for Awakening for FREE
https://dogged-trailblazer-8821.kit.com/756fe8553d
Eva's instagram: @iamevaliao
Book a discovery call with Eva
Kyley
Sign up for upcoming FREE Workshop - Torchbearer: Build a Business That Builds a Better World https://portal.kyleycaldwell.com/torchbearer-workshop
Kyley's Instagram: @kyleycaldwell
Kyley's free mini-course
[00:00:00]
Eva: Hey everyone. Welcome to season six. Before we dive in, we've got a little gift for you.
Kyley: We were so lit up by today's conversation that we actually created a free workbook. It's called A Gentle and Fierce Path Forward, and it will help you stay present and resourced and committed, especially while the world feels so heavy right now.
Eva: Yeah, inside you'll find simple but powerful prompts, ways to feel your feelings, which is always an important practice to commit and keep going when even when it feels hard, and to ask for what you need.
Kyley: And we have a link for it in the show notes where you can go ahead and download. It's totally free.
Eva: Yeah. And we really think it's gonna be supportive [00:01:00] if you, and if it resonates, share it with someone that you love.
Kyley: We
Eva: love you.
Hi everyone. It's Eva.
Kyley: It's Kylie.
Eva: Welcome back to season six of
Hello. Universe Woo. I can't believe it's six years of being with you and, and un un undoing with you and unlearning and relearning with you and all of our amazing guests.
It's felt like such an honor, such a privilege, and so much fun. And thank you for listeners if you've been around for a while, and your continued support for the show means the world to us.
Kyley: We have so much good juicy stuff coming this season. We spent all summer like diligently prepping and creating, and this is hands down, gonna be our best season yet. So stay tuned. Buckle up. It's gonna be a great ride.
Eva: Yes. Okay. So we're gonna start off this episode with a q and a. So if you guys don't already know, Kylie and I, we love answering your questions and give, it's our, it's our advice column episode, [00:02:00] and if you have any questions, you can just DM us, slide into our dms. We love being able to support you in that way. Um, we had this question that we wanted to read specifically because it's incredibly relevant. It's something that I think we're all dancing around and something that Kylie and I are also trying to figure out. So we thought we'd try to, um, tease this throughout the show. So the question from our listener is, hello Universe. Every time I open the news, I feel like I'm hit with another wave of heartbreak. Part of me wants to stay awake and engaged, but another part of me just feels so tired. But then I turn away to preserve my sense of self and protect joy, and I feel guilty and maybe irresponsible. How do you hold hope in a moment that feels so dark?
How do I find the balance in a moment like this Signed searching for light in the darkness.
Kyley: So this is our take two on answering this question because the first attempt, uh, I got really mad at Eva.
Eva: it was a very fruitful conversation.
Kyley: It was a [00:03:00] beautiful, generous competition and that felt really, I had a lot of big feelings during, um, we were joking that if you become a like hi to your Patreon member, it doesn't exist for us yet. But, we'll, we'll sneak the recording. But, um, but specifically because we started to talk, we started to talk about how I experienced this as, as a mother with young kids, but.
The thing, and we'll unpack all the layers as we talk, but I think the thing that felt so clear to me as you held me in my, in, in what was was happening for me was that under the kernel in the middle of all of this, you know, like, I am, I, I,
I'm hanging up.
Eva: Well, so new slash that I, I don't have the answer is that I am, I'm, I'm, I'm in the trenches. I'm confused. I get overwhelmed by this stuff all the time. Not just the state of the world, but also like what my position in the world is and, you know, am I doing enough and the guilt and all of that stuff.
And [00:04:00] I think something that just came to me is that like the first, it's good for me to just humbly admit that I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, you know? But also, yeah. Can I give myself, can I tr I think really what I've been coming to recently is like, can I trust my own process? Can I trust that sometimes I'm gonna be like really upset and messy and.
You know, like seeing red and I'm not actually responding in the, and I'm actually responding with violence. Like I can see that, I can feel that inside of me and being like, okay, yeah, that, that's part that's in there too. And then also, can I trust my process of like, but I'm also, I can trust my process of awakening, of like my own, my own path towards love, whatever that is.
And trusting that that's enough. That's also actually for me, that's harder. That's [00:05:00] even, that's like the harder part.
Kyley: Can you say what, what were you more, more about that last piece? Feeling harder.
Eva: Yeah. It's that like is what I'm, it's basically I, if I, I'm, I'm jumping way ahead, but if we, I feel like one of the conclusions we're gonna come to is one that we've come to before, is that like what you can do is, is, important. Like the little contributions that you make in your life to
bring more love into this world are. Um, valid and valuable, and they're helpful. And I think oftentimes what we feel like is it's just not enough. It's not fucking, and you know what, maybe it's not enough. Maybe it's not enough if I, if I was the only one who did it, but if maybe we collectively do it, then that maybe that's what makes it enough.
But like, but to also have some sort of acceptance of like, that's, this is just what I can do and part of it, and I think I can hold both. I can hold, sometimes I get in a place where I'm like, and that is enough. And also what if it's okay if I also just feel like it's not enough for a while.
Kyley: And I think what it's coming to [00:06:00] my mind too is actually part of this moment also asks us to honor the grief that it's not enough. It's actually great that to the, going back to that feeling of like helplessness, I think what lives in there is this feeling of like, I mean, helplessness feels like I can't do the help that helps that I was feeling when we like really let, when I san all the way down to touch, it was just this kernel that's like, there's nothing I can do.
Right. Just feeling like really, like she had no power. Not enough is maybe connected, but not the same thing. But I guess what I'm trying to say is I think it's just true that it's not enough what any one single person of any of us can do. It's not actually enough to like, you know, write this ship and like you said, all of us together can be enough, but I don't mean that in a negative way.
I mean it just in a like honoring the grief
Eva: Yes. Yeah.
Kyley: that like it's really hard and scary and painful that no matter what
Eva: [00:07:00] Mm-hmm.
Kyley: you
Eva: I actually think it's really healthy to accept that in some ways, because, um, you're not, I think there's a healthiness in just accepting of like, okay, this is what I can do and it may not be enough, but, and I hold both at the same time. This is what I can do and it may not be enough. It's not going to, you know, stop what's going on in Palestine like. And if I, yeah, if I am so lost in the trenches of like, what I'm doing is not enough and it's never gonna be enough, I opt myself out. I step out.
of the game and I don't wanna fucking do this anymore. I'm like, what's the fucking point? Lemme just numb out and zone out so I don't have to do anything. And I think just even seeing like that's the result of feeling stuck in it's, what I'm doing is not enough, is like so not helpful that I'm like, I don't even know if I'm interested in swimming in that water anymore,
because what's the fucking point?
It's just not logical, you know? It's like, yeah.
Kyley: and it's interesting too 'cause I'm also thinking of the [00:08:00] paradox of like, it's not enough, right? Like what any one person can do. But any, pick a topic, right? Or pick, pick, pick a, pick a moment. It's not enough, but it's also everything, right? And, and I see this vision all the time that's like there is a spot on the stage and maybe stage isn't always the best metaphor, but it's like there's a spot in the world that belongs to you and there is like love or magic or gifts that like only like you are the only one who brings those specific things to the table.
And so it's like it's not enough, but also it's everything. And you are the only one who can do your everything.
Eva: Yes. Yes. And I think, I really think that's like, that's, that's it. Like, that's, that's part of the process of like straddling both. And also I'm, I'm [00:09:00] pivoting a little bit, but I think this is like a really important point, but I also wanna come back to this, you know, this ar argument that you and I had basically earlier, and like, just to get, let people know, like what was also happening was like basically we both had really big emotions. About like the state of the world and what was going on and, and we were sort of, I don't even know, maybe you could help me describe this better, Kylie. But anyway, I feel like we were sort of like arguing about like what was on the surface, but really what was the reason we were so heated is because we were really upset.
Like,
Kyley: Yeah.
Eva: like we were upset because we felt a lot of fear and you
felt a lot of fear, you know? And I was like, okay, so it's not even about what we're arguing about. It's like what's actually happening here right now is that I think we're touching into a sense of how much love you have for your children, how much love you have for children in general.
Like, you know, coming in this from a motherhood, from as a mother [00:10:00] and seeing like atrocities that are happening here. It's like there was rage there, you know, real fucking rage and, and. Oh, you know, it's just, it's so, it's, it's, it can feel overwhelming and I don't think that we always have a way to touch into that because, you know, we need to hold it all together so we can function in our everyday lives. But I think really what I got outta that conversation was like, I think we, I think one thing that could be really helpful is if we continue to find ways in which we can touch into, like, the grief that we're feeling without. And what we're so afraid of is that it's gonna overwhelm us. And I feel that way all the time.
And I'm not
gonna lie, I, I get avoidant, you know, I'm like some, I'm like, especially like reading the news, I'm like, oh, I can't, I cannot, you know, I just cannot. But, um, my continual practice has to be continuing in [00:11:00] into feeling those uncomfortable feelings, which I fucking hate.
Kyley: Well, and I think the thing that's, um, interesting also, I feel like I should note, like us being mad at each other was like, like just like very kind and like, I know you don't mean it this way. You know,
Eva: Yeah. Yes. Totally. Totally. Yeah. And what you think is valid, you know?
Kyley: Yeah. Yeah. Like there was, it was a, it was a very gentle, because I think you and I have deeply the capacity to like, right.
Like feel the feelings without it being attached. Right. Like, you, you helped, like, and I said, and when we were done, we were like done. Like, thank you for letting me get mad at you because you helped me peel the lid off of something. 'cause you were talking about sometimes we don't, we're like, don't wanna go in because it feels like it'll overwhelm us.
But I also often experience like, um, like a lid is sealed on something and I suspect what might be in, in the container, but I just don't actually have an entry point. Right. And then something comes along and like gives us a moment [00:12:00] of like, oh, great. Now I like, here's, here's this, this anger needs an outlet and here's the moment and we're recording this on the day that this, um, you know, right wing, uh.
Activist was assassinated. And there's so much outrage today, like I'm actually kind of like blown away by the, like, discourse on social media of just like how much, all the outrage, all the hot takes. And, and I think it's that, I think it's like this, like this anger is living inside all of us about this state of the world.
And it just want, it just needs to get out because it, it does actually in a genuine knit way need to get out. But I think we get, the mistake that we make is like attaching it to like some stupid Facebook discourse, right? But the anger is like, that's that like reactivity spun up thing that is really disempowering, that I think fuels actually fuels like despair.
And like God, the fascists want us to feel all [00:13:00] spun up on some stupid meaningless Facebook discourse. And I feel like, I feel like part of the way that we take care of ourselves through this is actually finding. Meaningful ways to be in the emotion. Um, that's like a somatic release or whether it's like noticing and finding a way in or finding a bestie who could be patient with you, like whatever it is, but like,
Eva: or therapy, honestly,
Kyley: therapy.
Yeah.
Eva: good time to go to therapy,
Kyley: Mm-hmm. Yeah. And like maybe a therapist who like, is like a somatic therapist and not just talk because we could just intellectualize our shit all day. Um, but like, yeah.
Eva: Yeah, and I think, I think we're really lucky because we have this platform and also this friendship. So like things like this can organically come up, but I mean, this, I don't have an answer to this. I'm [00:14:00] curious what you think, and then maybe we just offer the suggestions as like, how do we find spaces like this where we can process?
And I think we just, maybe we, we do it with our friends
Kyley: I mean, I could give a plug for the Sacred Rage Workshop. That's free resource I have, because what immediately came to mind is like how much like intentionally engaging with my anger in a physical way has like really been a game changer for me. And sometimes for me, sometimes this is like going a little bit pivoting a little bit, but like, um, sometimes I will intellectually know that I'm anger angry.
I didn't actually yesterday know,
Eva: Mm-hmm.
Kyley: but like, um, sometimes I'll intellectually know that I'm angry, but I can't easily feel it. And so I will like go like on, I talked about's on the podcast before, but I'll like go on a walk with the intention of like throwing heavy rocks
Eva: Mm-hmm.
Kyley: and like, and like cultivating an experience with my anger outside of relationship, but just giving [00:15:00] me a chance to like feel it.
And I feel like, um. I, I just feel like we need
to the point of the question who asked, the person who wrote this question asked about balance, and I think sometimes we think that we, we create this idea that balance is like containing it. Right. But I feel like the balance is in the release of it.
Eva: Mm-hmm. Yeah. So my question to you is, do you feel this, do you contend with this feeling often, like you're not doing enough?
Kyley: all, I mean, like, that's like the, my middle name, it's not always about
Eva: Well, I mean, politically. Politically, I
mean,
Kyley: right, right.
Eva: say Like, with your job
Kyley: yeah, my not enough monster she'll attach to whatever, whatever topic you give her, you know?
Eva: Oh, that's a really, sorry. I love, that's a really interesting perspective. It's like, oh yeah, duh. I actually haven't seen that, that I have this tendency to think that I'm not doing enough in everything. You know? Like I could always be doing more, and I'm like, oh, I'm just taking [00:16:00] that and whoa. And like totally sticking it onto my relationship with social
justice and politics. Whoa. Oh fuck. That's helpful to see.
Yeah, because
Kyley: yeah, right. It's helpful 'cause it's like there is a kind of neutrality to it, right? 'cause it's just like this, this script just wants to run and it doesn't really care about the topic.
Eva: Yeah.
Kyley: Right?
Eva: And I, and I have seen that it's not helpful in other areas of my other areas of my life because I've examined it, but I haven't necessarily examined it that as thoroughly when it comes to. What I feel like my, my role is, you know? Um, and, and I think I feel that often because I, I'm, I, what I really struggle with is that I'm really happy right now and, you know, I've been working on this for some time, so this isn't, I sorry, listeners that this is old, but it's like, yeah, I'm really happy right now and, and I, [00:17:00] you know, I almost feel bad taking up room complaining about it, but it's like, and then, but I feel like that's wrong.
Kyley: Hmm.
Eva: Like, like that just does not feel, my brain cannot compute and 'cause I, because I have this belief that like if I'm not suffering with other people, it means I don't care
Kyley: I feel like we could feel guilty but feeling happy and it could have a couple different flavors, right? There's a part you could feel like, I don't deserve this. Or it could be like, I'm afraid it's gonna get taken away. Or is it, or is it more about like, well, other people are suffering, so who am I to be this happy?
Eva: Yeah. It's
that The latter.
Kyley: the last one.
Eva: The latter, Yeah.
Mm-hmm. Do you ever feel that way? It's, it's a, because it's really jarring, you know, to be like, to notice like an abundance of stuff going, like abundance in my life, and then to pick up my phone and be like, holy shit, we're living in like, dystopian culture. And it's, I'm like, what, what my brain can, can be like, what's happening here?
Kyley: I [00:18:00] suspect, and I've suspected this for a minute, that I have like a subconscious story that my job is to like stay. Attached to people's suffering. So I don't think I have, right? I mean, I've, like, I've wa I've like unraveled this for clients millions of times, right? I've done it, I've walked through myself through it.
So I don't think I have conscious moments where I'm like, whoa, who are you? Like, like where I feel that specific thing that you're saying. But in some ways I think it's because there's something, it's like I could feel, I can like feel it running under the surface that like, it like pulls me down into, um, like almost like obligatory sadness because there is so much sadness.
Eva: I actually feel like this is part of the challenge because at the same time, while I feel all this. Guilt or whatever. I'm also wondering, like, but I also believe deep down in my body and soul that like, that my [00:19:00] happiness and my contentment and my joy actually is adds to the world. So it just feels like there's these two opposing beliefs happening at the same time. Yeah.
Kyley: There's a really beautiful book called Joy is Resistance, where she talks about this. Um, maybe that'd
Eva: But, and, and so, yeah. Yeah. And also, yeah, that, that is a good idea. Good. But also this comes back to what the point that we made earlier on, just like, wait, so what can we do here? Like, what's helpful? And it is hearkening back to like this practice of comp committing or believing that what we're doing is, is, I don't wanna say it's enough, but it's valuable.
Kyley: I would think.
Eva: I think.
Kyley: Yes. And I think, I love what you just said, getting outta the enoughness program, right. 'cause enoughness is like this tracker of like, basically right? Like, did I drink enough water today? Right. There's like [00:20:00] a number and you can hit it or you cannot, and there's, instead I like this idea of, of, of honoring the value.
That is us in the world, or that is us in this moment. Um, and then committing to it like as all the way, so like specifically if there's, if part of this moment in time for you is that there's this, like, this beautiful joy, right? This feeling of like, I can't, I'm, I can, can't believe I get to wake up and this is my life.
And so then your job is just to like lean all the way in, like commit fully to the thing that is like yours to bring. Does that make sense?
Eva: it does. And I, and I, and I think that's. What's interesting to me is like that's the challenge and
it's a, it's a, it's like, oh, that's where the upleveling is, and that's a fun way to look at it.
Kyley: [00:21:00] There's this quote that I pulled that I wanna read because it immediately is what I thought of with this question, and it's by, um, I love Instagram handles, um, lady of sardines. Very wise, very wise lady of sardines. Um, it can be [00:22:00] overwhelming to witness experience. Take in all the injustice of the moment.
The good news is that they are all connected. So if your little corner of work involves pulling at one of the threads, you are helping to unravel the whole damn cloth. And I keep coming back to that.
Eva: I love that. And I think that that's true. Like, do you, do you, would you agree with that?
Kyley: Yes. Well, and I think there's like, feels like there's two layers of it. The first time I read it, I thought about my work, right? And I thought about like, yeah, my job is to like really commit to what I have to help bring healing right around like, um, you know, self love and self abandonment and money and et cetera.
And um, and the first time I read that I just really felt like, yeah, like this is the thread that I pull on. And so like, just fucking pull, right? Stop. Like don't, if you just pull gently 'cause you're a little bit afraid it's not enough of a contribution or it's not what you should be doing 'cause maybe there's a different thread you should be pulling on.
It's like, [00:23:00] fuck that you that the one that's in front of you, pull it and pull it hard. Um, and then the other thing coming to me now is you're talking and you're talking about joy is also the reminder of like, and also what's the state of being right? And like what's, what, what, what beingness. Is the, is you, is thread that you're pulling up, right?
Like one piece is about like work service and one is like who are you being and how is that its own devotion to unraveling a thread. And I think
Eva: That's so beautiful,
Kyley: of joy.
Eva: okay, and I wanna like turn this back to you at some point, but like what happened earlier discussion and we touched into big feelings, fear and anger and helplessness. It was like you felt them, you like, I thought it was so beautiful that you. Brought it to the table and that you let yourself express these things and feel these things.
And it, [00:24:00] and I saw in that moment that I was like, I actually think this is you doing something for mothers
everywhere. Like you touching into that, just the despair and the helplessness and really what's there is like this love, you know, like this
love for the world. And I think for people and for children and for, yeah.
And I was like, I, you know, this is, I think where we get into, well, how, you know, is this, like, this is fall into your spiritual beliefs, but like my spiritual belief is that we feel things for the collective.
Do you know what I mean? Like, and I've
Kyley: yeah. Sometimes I do, sometimes I do put up a little request. I'm like, could I not do it for their collective this time? Could this just be my own shit?
Eva: Well, no, but it
is your own
Kyley: tired?
Eva: no, no. But I think it's like, no, but it is
Kyley: I know, I
Eva: Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Kyley: being
Eva: yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kyley: yes. I do. I do. I, I, I mean, I feel it because I also feel it's like, because to really be like in that moment where I was just like, I don't know, like listeners, I could cry again, but I was just like [00:25:00] crying big tears of like, I'm scared.
I'm scared of, oh, I'm gonna cry. I'm scared about my children's safety and, and I'm like so heartbroken about the children in Gaza and, um, and like to, to, to touch that, to, to touch this like, collective mother fear of like, we are in a world where the men in power do not give a shit about keeping our children safe.
that is the best I can do to reach out and hold someone's hand. Right? It's like that is like, that is like, I, I can feel when I'm like really letting myself feel that how much it is just like love that I am like sending out. Um, and to the part of me who feels helpless is like it is something, you know, it to back to what we're saying, it's not enough and it is something.
Eva: Yes. Yes. And I think, again, coming back to this practice of like, what we do, it is [00:26:00] something, and we just could, so we keep doing that and we, we keep believing that it's something, then we have more fuel to just keep doing it.
Do you know what I mean? Rather than thinking that it's not enough.
But, but I actually, I've seen it, you know, like visually in ceremonies or even just in my own life of like, oh, when something unlocks within me, it's like b, like I saw images of how it's being undone in all future timelines and all past timelines. And it's like, and that's happening, um, con like that's happening. In every, in every moment, anytime. I really believe anytime one of us has like a moment of awakening and by awakening it's like, you know, coming back to presence and love and the reality and truth and all that stuff. It's like, it's for the benefit of all. And, and I think that's why it's really important for us to, to, I, I think sometimes I'm guilty of this and I think I'm okay with that, but I think something I'm guilty of is like, sometimes I feel like I can't do anything enough [00:27:00] outward, so then I'll really focus on the inward and I'm, and I worry that maybe I focus too much on the inward as like an escape from having to deal with a, I dunno what I could do outward or whatever, but, but for the most part I think I'm happy with that direction because I'm like, this is something that I can do something about.
It's my own internal, internal landscape and like eradicating the violence within me because I have really seen. I've seen it. Like I will open up social media and I'll see some bullshit and I am like fangs out, like nail a
cat with their nails. I'm like,
Kyley: yeah,
Eva: immediate. I'm like, fuck you. You know? Like I'm, I don't know who this, I'm yelling at Trump or the government or something.
I'm like, fuck you. Like
you guys are all so fucked up. I'm not saying that out loud, but that's the sensation of it in my body.
And I'm not making that wrong. I'm just saying of like, there have been times where I will be like almost as quote unquote as bad as the thing that I'm like [00:28:00] rallying against, which is this like punitive, this punitive energy. Um, and I'm like, oh shit. Well that's a good place to start. Like let me
look at myself first and see is there something that I can do about that.
Kyley: Well, it's what's interestingly, what you're making me think of is, um, uh, my husband was telling me a while ago this story about this podcast that he listened to. So this is, I, I didn't listen to it, so I unfortunately can't refer to what it was, but it was an interview with this guy who's like committed his whole career to trying to help with help, uh, the houseless population in la And, um, he was just talking about how.
Um, in this interview, this always stuck with me. It's like the percentage that you're trying to have, like the percentage, the value you're trying to move is like so small, right? It's like the like realistic goal is like, [00:29:00] um, is like actually quite a small percentage. But also the guy was saying like, and that small percentage is like this many number of people.
Like, it's like real people get like a real impact from this like tiny, seemingly tiny shift. And we could look at it and be like, well, that's too small of a shift to give a shit about. So I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna do, I'm not gonna commit to this work because I can't really have an impact. And the guy's like, meanwhile, like, this is the number of people that like, get a home from that percentage.
And somehow that's what came to mind as you were talking about, like committing to the inner like, oh, that's something I can do because there's this, this feeling and I that I've had a lot lately that's like. Our job is just to fucking commit. Like pick a lane and then commit until it stops being the lane you wanna be in and then commit to the next one.
But like, there's this thing that we do, I think because the anger and the fear and the helplessness smashed together and they turn into despair and what's important. When I was touching into my feelings off air before, [00:30:00] I wasn't feeling despair. I was feeling helpless, which is really different. 'cause despair is this feeling of like, nothing can change, so give up.
Right? Whereas helpless is just like the grief of helplessness, right? It's just like it's, it's a different emotion. Does that make
Eva: Mm-hmm.
Kyley: And so the unprocessed and like the slamming together of anger, fear, and helplessness, I think turns into despair, which is exactly what fascists want. Like that feeds fascism, right?
'cause in our despair is like, well, I, I can't do anything. Right? And so the, the, the opposite energy of despair is like, just fucking commit. Right? So, okay, Eva, you're fucking all in on. Like, I can, I can unlearn the violence that lives within me. I can become as much living and embodiment of love that I possibly can.
And I am all in on that. And then is suddenly the all in ask changes, okay, then I'll change. Right? But there's something to me about this moment of just like, get out, to [00:31:00] get out from under the oppressiveness of despair is like, pick a thing and then just give it your heart not to burn out, right? But just like give it your heart and then find out where it takes you, knowing that it won't be enough.
But it's also everything.
Eva: Yes. Oh wow. I mean, preach girl. That was, I, that was, I was getting quite inspired actually. I'm like, yeah, just the fucking go all in and give it my heart. And like, yeah. And then I suddenly feel hopeful. And I actually have felt hopeful in times, you know, when I see my own practice, but then I'm like, oh, that's not, I'm like, I'm just being delusional.
Like whatever. It's not enough or whatever. I'm, I'm whatever. But I'm actually seeing like it's not enough. And what if it's everything? Oh my God. It's okay. So this is what I wanna ask you, and you may not have an answer 'cause I know some of these feelings are just really tender, but it's like, so what does that look like for you?
You know, what is your, especially given like our conversation earlier [00:32:00] and you know, and holding those emotions and aesthetics, this experience that you are having. What is your thing that's like not enough, but is also everything.
Kyley: I mean, I think. The action oriented piece of it feels like it's the work that I do, right? It's like good people do good things with money. So like, how do we get these shit heads on a power on a practical level, like get a bunch of people who fucking care to be rich and roll up with their big ass checks and like fun school lunch.
You know, like,
Eva: Yeah. Yeah.
Kyley: so there's, there's that, that feels, that feels like the action. And I also know act like action, like being precedes action. And so I'm curious to take your question around specifically this like anger, grief, anger, fear, helplessness, triad specifically as it relates to being a mother. Um, and I don't, I [00:33:00] don't have the answer to that.
Um, I don't know what the practice is there. Um,
Eva: Okay. I have an
Kyley: mm-hmm.
Eva: I, I actually think what your gift is is love,
Kyley: Hmm.
Eva: Like, you're so, like, it's so palpable. Like that's actually really what you're feeling. And I don't even know if it's an action. It's more of a way of being,
it's like, and I think going all in on that really powerful,
Kyley: I have this beautiful new friend, her name is Sunita. We met at a retreat recently and I asked her to be a guest on our podcast. So she does really cool, like decolonizing Christianity, beautiful work. And she shared with me this poem that she wrote, um, while we were on treat. And I was like, BAW, every time she shared a poem, I just bawled.
It was like this crying, Kylie crying over poetry hour. But her whole poem was about this like heartbreaking moment in like her own a moment of [00:34:00] grief around motherhood. And then like, but she just kept going back to these, the mothers in Gaza and just saying like, I'm sorry sister, we failed you.
Listeners, we just had to pause for a long time because I cried and I'm still crying.
And it's funny because that's what feels true. like it's not okay. You know? It's just not okay. What's happening to those mothers and those children? lots of people in Gaza that aren't mothers and children, and it's not okay for them. But it feels like that's, that's the thing that I feel like I felt it from the moment this situation started almost two years ago.
I have felt like this, like deep kinship to the mothers and children. Like that has been the thing that feels like, um, okay. It feels like that's my job to witness,
Eva: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Kyley: Um, and it's not enough, but it's everything.[00:35:00]
Eva: Yeah. I actually think that's it, Kylie. Like, I know I've been, I mean, I, I've been there with you since day one, where immediately that was like the, the thing that you felt so fiercely about, you know, and like you said, it's for other people. It's not about the mother and children because that's just not their lens of which they look through the world, but it, it's yours.
Kyley: Yeah. And in a way I think, I don't think I've put this into words before, but to the point of the question around overwhelm, I think there's something about like, I can hold those women and those children in my pocket, you know, in my heart I can't,
uh, there's like, feels like there's like a devotion of like, this is a thing I can do, you know? It's like I can just like love them and carry them in my pocket and pray for them.
And I don't know how that answers this question of like, what do we do or how do we hold it all? Because it's like, then I can also feel how I get zoomed out and it's like, and it's also more than them. And it's like, and it's 'cause there's [00:36:00] anyway, because then I think about mothers and children and ice and I think about, you know, but um, there does feel like there's something of like allowing ourselves to hold in our heart, the people that are being hurt and the way in which it's not okay.
Eva: Mm-hmm.
Kyley: And letting that be true.
Eva: Mm-hmm.
Kyley: I have one more quote. Apparently this is the quote episode.
Eva: Woohoo. I love Good. I love good quote.
Kyley: I have been really in love with Harriet Tubman, Lily, and I've always loved Harriet Tubman, but she's been really like on my heart. Lately. And, um, actually past podcast guests, spring Washington wrote a gorgeous book about Harriet Tubman, like channeling the Spirit of Harriet Tubman.
It's a deeply spiritual book. I highly recommend it. I'm reading it right now, but there's this quote that I also keep coming back to in this moment. And, um, and also if anyone needs a little inspiration in this moment, like Harriet Tubman is your girl. [00:37:00] Like what she was, when you actually like, learn more about her, like what she was able to accomplish is so mind boggling.
So if you need a little like material inspiration that we can do, like really big fucking things, even if it doesn't seem like we can, so this is the quote. If you hear the dogs keep going. If you see the torches in the woods, keep going. If they're shouting after you keep going, don't ever stop, keep going.
If you want a taste of freedom, keep going.
Eva: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And
Kyley: That feels like a good embodiment of that, like, fucking commit. Just, just, just go all in.
Eva: commit, but also don't fall into despair because then you can't keep going. So what is it that you need to do to keep going?
Kyley: Mm.
Eva: and it's gonna be a different combination for a lot of us. Like, what do you need to keep going? And I hope it's gonna include like some joy and some connection and some love. Um. And also some rest [00:38:00] and some ignoring the news, you know? And like, 'cause I actually feel like, if I'm being honest, like that's how I often feel. It's like I'm kind of holding on like, like I, I, you know, I, I said I'm really happy and I am, but I am also holding on for dear life. Sometimes when I like, think about the news of like, I'm like, I can, I can't let this despair in.
I'm like, no, like this is insane. Like this is, my mind can go into such dark places, you know? So I'm like, there's a sense of like real protection. Like I really feel like I need to protect myself a lot. And that's come up for me a lot specifically this year because of my health and. Listeners, like this past year has been just really tricky for some chronic health stuff that I've had.
And I, that's also kicked up my, my guilt. A lot of, like, I can just tell, like when I'm in a state where I'm physically not feeling well, I have even less capacity to be with like, what's going on in the world. And I have [00:39:00] sometimes used that against myself and been like, well, whatever. I'm just being, I'm just, I'm just a, being a, I'm just weak-willed and I'm too fragile and, you know, I'm too sensitive.
But oftentimes, but sometimes more recently, I've also been like, but look at what a good job I'm doing, taking care of myself. Especially when I'm like physically unwell. And I think that's like, I have to, it's a big step, you know, to be like, I'm gonna put myself first. Mm. And even saying that, I'm like, oh, you know, does that sound terrible?
You
Kyley: Yeah, but also. Arguably, like nothing changes if we aren't in the driver's, right? There's something about, there's something about the need to let yourself be a priority in your own life in order to enact any change, inner or outer, right? But I wanna like, I wanna
put together almost a little map of the conversation we've had because I actually think that there's something very tangible we've created about [00:40:00] an answering this question
Eva: Woo hoo. Yeah, do it. Get it,
girl. [00:41:00]
Kyley: [00:42:00] so I think what first comes to mind is like answering the question of like, what are you committed committing to?
Another word for me is devotion. Like what are you living in devotion to in this moment? What are you committing to and thinking about that. Both as a state of being and a doing piece, right? So what's the state of being that you are committed to, that you're gonna live in devotion to, that you're gonna go all in on?
And then what is the, um, what's the action? And I'm thinking of like, I have this, I have this very beautiful friend, I'm many beautiful friends, and I'm thinking of this very beautiful friend in particular who's like really beautiful at like weaving community. And she's like pulled together this like lovely, lovely community and she just takes such good care of us and text.
She takes such good care of her children and her family and her web of people. And like if I were to have her having this conversation with her, I would be like, the action that, the action that you do is [00:43:00] this, like take care of your community, right? And like, really letting yourself be committed to that, which is also to like, then throw off the noise of not enough, right?
Because like, that's the thing you're committed to. And um, and, um. And so, so the question is like, state of being action, what are you committed to? And then you just resolved to keep going, Harriet Tubman style, like keep fucking going. And then your question, which you said almost quickly, and I was like, ding, ding, ding.
This is in some way the whole thing, which is like, what do you need in order to keep going?
Eva: Mm-hmm. Yeah. And like, and giving yourself permission,
I remember a while ago we had, um, Joanna Hardy on our podcast, so she's like a really well known meditation teacher and an activist. And basically this was the advice that she gave us. She was like, tend to your part of the [00:44:00] garden and like, and also take care of yourself so that you can tend to your garden. And the truth is, is like I, I, it was different because she gave me permission, like I couldn't give it to
myself. I needed someone else who I thought saw as wiser, older, more experienced, more, you know, in the field of her, of doing the social justice work. The fact that she gave me pros, like permission to tend to my garden and also to tend to myself, was so helpful. So in some ways I hope this conversation can be that for listeners too, it's like you have permission, you have permission to do whatever you need to attend to your part of the Guardian. Um, but it also helped me see how I wasn't giving that to myself,
and I continue to struggle with that because I needed it, because I needed it from an outside source. And so the, yeah, the practice is now like, can I give that to myself
and that might be a lifelong practice and that's okay with me.
Kyley: Yeah. Yeah. I love, I thank you for reminding of that phrase of attend to your [00:45:00] part of the garden. Which is like also comes back to like whatever your thread is in front of you, like pull it and unravels the whole damn cloth. Right? Because what I'm, I'm just getting this image of how many of us are like, my plot of the garden isn't good enough or big enough, and so I'm gonna go look for other plots of the garden.
I'm just gonna like, kind of like run around and pull up a weed here and pull the weed. And it's like, okay, that's like, that's fine. But also there, it's actually we can do more if we really commit, like the guy with homelessness in la right? It's like there's something to like committing. And again, rather than that, like the despair fueled, I'm gonna wait on the margins until I have proof that it will work.
Which was back to another idea that I've been thinking about a lot, which is like we can't create a better future if we don't believe it's possible.
Eva: Mm-hmm. Yes.
Kyley: And um, and in that I've also been thinking about how. That's really hard to [00:46:00] live in possibility. Like it's really vulnerable. Like you need a lot of substance, you need a lot of care.
And, um, uh, a friend of mine, this woman who's also name's Kylie, um, Kylie Faye, um, she is doing a workshop actually tomorrow that I'm going to, which I'm really excited about. It's a, um, it's about how entrepreneurs, like, have a particular, sometimes have like a particular kind of, uh, jacked up nervous system because for years we're, we just like perpetually have to create our own like kind of hope and possibility because like, I don't know where the money comes two months from now, but I'm just gonna keep acting as if, and like you have like the relentlessness of having to like, be in the, like, it's gonna work, it's gonna work.
I'm scared and not, I'm not sure it's gonna work, but I'm gonna come back to like, it's gonna work. And how much that is like un unn, like there's un it's an, it's an un unnerving thing to live inside of. Um, and I, and [00:47:00] that moment and this bright possible future kind of feel connected to me, right? Which is to say it is vulnerable work to like allow yourself to believe that something better is possible.
Even as everything is, not everything. A lot of things feel bleak and heavy. And, and yet we have to. So then to your question, like, what do you need to keep going? It's also like, and what do you need so that you can continue to like live in, in the spirit of possibility
Eva: Mm-hmm. Yes.
Kyley: we don't abandon our garden and let it all like go to rot, you know?
Eva: Yeah. Hold on. Um, I had a thought. Yeah, sorry. I don't know. I thought I had something. It's gone. Um,
okay. Did you have anything you wanna say?
Kyley: Do you have anything you wanted to say?
Eva: I was gonna kind of pivot a little bit, but I,
Kyley: Okay, great. Pivot away. Yeah. Are we, it it, sorry, are you, do you mean like you don't know what you [00:48:00] wanna s like, do you want me to ask you a question or do you have a thing you want to say?
Eva: So my question to you, Kylie, is do you feel like humanity is evolving towards the positive, or do you think we're regressing? I mean, I'm asking this because you're talking about the possibility, you know, of like hope and believing that something else is possible and blah, blah, blah. And I'm kind of just curious, like, yeah, what do you think?
Kyley: I think Americans in particular love or have loved. A naive story of linear progress, right? Like the, the, the American, there's lots of American myths, but one of them is this idea of like, we are a country of like democracy. And then like we had slavery, but then we got rid of it.
And then there was like, you know, segregation, but then we had civil rights. Or there's like, it's like America loves this, like loves this like linear story of progress, which is interesting because capitalism is also very much the story of like [00:49:00] linear progress. And, and in some ways I think it's such a fucking lie.
Like America is like such a deeply tragic country, right? Like our history is just like, so, it's so sad and so bloody and so full of exploitation and harm, at least on like a, you know, political level, not just on a political level. I think so specifically to think in terms of America, you were asking about humanity in general.
I'm gonna specifically think in terms of America, I think that the progress, the like evolution that we actually want, like it just requires a reckoning with who we are. Right. And so I think it, I think that the progress, if there is, it feels a little, like this moment is a moment where like the car, the FLA table got flipped and all the cards are up in the air and that we don't actually know where they're gonna land.
And, and I think that's [00:50:00] also why there's this, like, why it's so important that we commit to pulling on our thread and we stand in the space of possibility. 'cause I do feel a little bit like, oh, this woman could go either way.
Eva: Yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm.
Kyley: and I think part of it is like.
Letting go of our attachment to this linear progress story, right? Like, it's like basically that, that paradoxical thing where it's like, in order to actually realize progress, we have to let go of this idea that progress is a linear thing. Um,
Eva: But even if it's not linear, I
wanna go back to the original question. You know what I mean? Like, I agree with you. It's not exactly, I mean, I think
it's, you know, it doesn't take a genius to see, it's like one step forward, two step back, or you know, two steps forward, three steps, whatever it is. The combination is like, oh, it's pretty obvious, but like, it's just messy.
Um, but I actually am just genuinely curious, like if you think we're moving in the right direction.
Kyley: I mean, I've thought about, I'm, I'm, I've thought about that a lot.
I've thought about that a lot, and I wonder. How to [00:51:00] say yes without the naivete of linear progress. I think that's why I brought that part up first is like, because I think, I think there's a way that, that the answer is yes, but it asks us to see how like messy and relentless it is, right? That it's not some like Pollyanna story of like, well, you die and you go to heaven and heaven's perfect.
Right? It's like
Eva: It's a reckoning of sense.
Kyley: it's, and also like you and I both know how many times is like the quote unquote progress of our own personal inner world about like, oh, here's all this terrible bloody bits and I have to love them and I have to actually just let myself coexist with the, like, with the pain of them.
And so I think, I think the, I, I somehow, I feel like the answer has to be yes, there is a way we are like. There is an evolution happening, but I also think that our understanding of that is [00:52:00] like very silly and dumb and like what that actually that that thing that comes back from the time of like it's never what you think it is.
So it's like, yes, I do think somehow all of this is part of the process of like humanity evolving or at least it has the potential to be that, but what that evolution actually is and what it actually looks like, like silly little Kylie can't fully conceptualize and has kind of a naive understanding of, and so we have to like let go of the naive understanding again, to go back to like the being the possibility of what it actually is.
Does that make sense as an answer?
Eva: I think so. I mean,
the
Kyley: What do you think?
Eva: thoughtful one, oh, I think 100 fucking percent that we are on the right track, which it sounds insane given the context of our conversation, but like, I don't know. Yeah, I feel like I should really maybe be careful what I'm saying before I say it because I don't know if I have anything to back that up with.
It's just more of a,
Kyley: I don't know [00:53:00] that you need to back it up.
Eva: yeah, more just like a, a trust and an experience. And I mean, and there's some logic to it too, but one thing that's coming in for me right now is like, you know, you know this idea of like raising the consciousness of humanity is like. I don't know exactly what that means, but I feel like I can sense that it's happening within myself.
And because I'm not special, that means this is available to everybody. Do you know what I mean? Like, if I can do this, anyone can fucking do it, because, you know, like, trust me, trust me, if I can do it, you guys can do it.
Anyone can do it. You know, even like the people anyway,
Kyley: This is like, so my har message, she's like, if I could do this, y'all can make something happen.
Eva: Yeah. So I'm like, and I, I'm going through direct experience. I think within myself. I was like, what else can I trust more than direct experience rather than [00:54:00] just like what I think I see going on in the world. Um, and I also think, um. I don't know, maybe it's blind optimism, which I'm okay with. And being delusional, which I'm, you know, stepping more into more, more and more into being okay with like, okay, great, I'm delusional. 'cause sometimes that's what it takes, you know,
to, to make progress. Um, but this delusion of like, I still believe that inherently man is good, like, at our core, that we are love.
And I think there's a lot of confused and hurt and, uh, I guess fucked up people in power. But I don't think that represents the majority of man. I think that just has everything to do with like, how systems become, how, like, you know, like if we all rebelled
the government, we could down, you know, we could take over the government in a day.
It's, it's, it's, it's that weird, um, psychology of like, if we all just decided not [00:55:00] to, if we all decided to strike essentially. Do you know what I mean? Like, let's say, and. Shit would change because it would have to. Yep. But we don't,
because there's these power dynamics and we feel trapped and, and all of these things, but they're basically the government that wants to keep us down.
If they're doing a good job, it's working, you know? Um, but that doesn't, I don't think that that means that, like humanity as a whole, I think I, I still believe the humanity whole is like, is, is good and loving and most people are just trying to like fucking, you know, pay their bills and live by their everyday, everyday lives. And I also think it depends on who we surround ourselves with. I think that's a really, that, that makes a huge difference because just like with anything with advertisement, propaganda, the company that we keep, it creates our reality.
Kyley: Yeah,
Eva: And I
think I'm in a position where I'm, I'm, I am like surrounded by really good. I mean, [00:56:00] I'm not, yeah, there's Tom, my partner, but also, you know, I go on like all these retreats and I'm just surrounded by people who are on the path to their own liberation,
Kyley: Yeah.
Eva: like so fucking fully committed and like this is it for them, you know? And that gives me a lot of faith in humanity.
Kyley: Well, I think what's interesting too is I feel like I'm like coming back to beat the same drum lately, but there's this idea of commitment that's coming back once again, even at what you're saying, because I think there's this experience that I keep having that's like the course is set. Like, you know, like yes, humanity is like, uh, on an upward trend, or like, yes, your business kicks off to the next level.
Or like, yes, your kids are happy and healthy. And they're like, yes, your husband like, and you really love each other. And there's this feeling of like, that is the inherent truth. That is the arc, [00:57:00] that is like the thing that's carrying you. And then at the same time, I can feel life being like, and so choose it.
Eva: Yes. Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Kyley: like, yes, that's true. So choose it. Yes, that's true. So choose it, which is different than like, you have to make it right. It's your job to make this so, but there is still an accountability That's like if you don't grab hold of it, if you don't like choose it and make it, then it, then it has to.
It always can only ever be idea until you choose it and like wrap your
Eva: What, okay, so this is, I love this so much because this is, I think what people mean. I've had this like realization, I don't know, a year ago or two years ago, where it was like, you know, people, there's that saying of like, choose happiness. People are like,
choose happiness. And I really saw it clearly of like, wait a second, it's up to me to choose like. It is a choice.
I have to fucking make a choice. And I saw this image of me, me taking myself and shaking myself on the shoulders. Like, not in a harsh way, but kind of like
Kyley: yeah, yeah.
Eva: just like, choose happiness. Choose happiness. And [00:58:00] then, then I was taking a humanity by the shoulders and being like, choose happiness.
And it was,
like,
Kyley: that was my spirit team. This morning when I picked up my fucking phone to Doom, first thing in the morning, they, they were shaking.
Eva: yes, yes. It's like, it's right there for us to, to experience on a every day. Like even the small things, you know, in the small things for us to like, just choose happiness, let goodness in. And we don't, because of all the stories of what we think. I don't know what that might mean or whatever, or or whatever.
Sometimes it's sometimes whatever, all these different reasons, but. I, that's really helpful for me because I'm like, I, that's where my agency is, but also I have some accountability and I had to be responsible, and I can't just keep whining and, and blaming, actually, that's another thing that I've seen in myself that I just love to do.
It's so subtle, but it comes in real fast. I'm like, who's responsible for this? Who, who's responsible for this? You know, like [00:59:00] I'm just, it's in our culture, it's just in our, someone needs to be held accountable. Someone needs to be fucking responsible. Who? It's not me. Who can I blame so that I don't have to take on any of the responsibility?
Kyley: real. Yes. I'm laughing 'cause I'm thinking of how many times, like I watch my, I like watch my children because children are so great because it's like, so like overt, you know? So I watch my kids do exact, I do it too, but it's, I don't ca I can't see it as clearly, you know, my kids do exactly the same thing where like, they'll, like, Desi will like step his toe and then he'll be like, oh, this couch sucks.
I'm like, yeah dude,
Eva: Yeah.
The
Kyley: that couch really hesitant for you. The worst couch ever.
Eva: Yes. It's like, that is not getting me The blame is really interesting because I'm stuck in that situation when
I'm blaming somebody because I don't really actually know who to blame it. It doesn't relieve me of really, it doesn't bring me actually any long term, [01:00:00] uh, grace.
I'm just now mad and resentful. I, I am a, I'm a victim basically in that, in that circumstance, and I have
no power.
Kyley: yes. Well, and I think also the blame for me when it comes in is a part of me who's like, she's longing to be witnessed in her pain. And so like she's just reaching out for the life raft. Right? And that's like what? That's what blame
Eva: Yes, but I think so I think the point that you're making is really, really, really fucking good because at the end of the day, anytime we are triggered like that, anytime something like, just like it feels really strongly, we, that's what I mean. Like we look, we're looking at the outside surface thing.
It's like the couch, we're looking at the couch, but actually what needs to happen is like, whoa, wait, what's really happening here? And we need to like, touch into that, which is like, my heart toe really hurts and this is painful, and let me just, and let me be with that and, um, acknowledge that, make space for it, see it and hear it and all that stuff.
It's like, it's, that's I think what the real work is in terms of like when we are blaming somebody else, [01:01:00] not to say that other people might not be responsible, but if we're in that state, I think it's a question of like, what do we really need right now in this moment?
Kyley: Okay. This is the one other thing we'll say about all of this is that one of the things that I've been watching a lot lately is how much unworthiness is asking for attention. I mean, personally, like that's, she's been showing up the past couple of weeks, but also in the col, in this like collective moment,
if we don't believe that we're worthy of a better future, then some part of us will resist it. And this is not me victim. This is not me blaming, you know.
Eva: Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Kyley: But like to, to the point of like accountability for our inner state. I can see, I can see the places where I carry unworthiness that keeps me separate from how much my husband loves me, right?
And I can, like, I, I could, I could touch the [01:02:00] places in my chest where that unworthiness lives and I can feel it as like a wall. But my husband's like, he's standing there, he's loving me, right? That exists. And then I only let some of it in because of my unworthiness. And, and I think this probably goes back to too, like part of like, what is my sa, what's the thread that I can pull on?
What's my sacred work? But I think there, I do think there's an assignment here for a lot of us too. Unlearn our unworthiness so that something better and new can come through, right? So there's a part of us that's like rightly like so fucking pissed at like these governments and these like billionaires and the cruelty that they're extracting and that is important.
And there's a part of us that's like, I think there's something that can live in our bodies that's about like actually like feeling all the way down to our toes. Not just that like it should be better, but that we deserve better. And [01:03:00] being able to like feel in our body the truth of how much like we are deserving of better.
You individually, me individually. And there does feel like there's something in that that's important about how something new does get to flow through all of us.
Eva: Wow. That's beautiful. I, yeah, we deserve better. I deserve better. Wow. That was so helpful. I thought that was really beautiful For some, I, I'm still processing that. I feel like that thing went through my body and it's doing this thing and I'm like, I don't know what it is, but I'm like, oh, whoa. What a concept.
I. Yeah.
Kyley: Yeah.
Eva: Thank you, Kylie. That was so beautiful and really moving.
Kyley: Well, should we do a round of joy? Is it time to time to bring us into joy?
Eva: Yes. And I love continuing on with this tradition. So, dear friend, Kylie, what's something that's bringing you joy right now in your life?
Kyley: Uh, live lifting, heavy shit.
Eva: Oh, oh, I love that.[01:04:00]
Kyley: So I mentioned at the close of last season, I think that I had just joined a new gym and it's this like small, small woman-owned gym that's, uh, all strength training. And I've been going two times a week called, you know, all summer and it's fucking cool and fun and
Eva: Yes. I love
having, I can't do it anymore, but I love, yeah, I love lifting heavy things.
Kyley: It's never, it's never been a thing that I have really done before, or really I, you know, it's totally new and I'm having so much fun. An interesting early aha was that I once again had some story that I wasn't strong and I immediately was like, oh, turns out I am actually strong. Um, which just makes me laugh how much, like that's always the thing, right?
The story just like falling away. Um, uh, like there'd be times where I'd be like, I feel like I'm doing this wrong, and it would just basically be that like, I didn't have a heavy enough [01:05:00] weight, you know? Um, and it's been really fun to like just see myself get stronger and I've kind of finished their foundation circuit, so just now I got to like, set some new goals.
Like I said to the, one of the trainers, I was like, I've literally never been able to do a pushup in my whole life. And I've, oh, I just would like to know what to do. I'm like, so like that's one of my goals now is
Eva: Oh my God. Ah.
Kyley: and today I was like, swinging this kettlebell around. I was, this is just super fun.
And the, there's only, there's like three or four coaches and you get like one-on-one. You get like one-on-one attention 'cause they like get to know you and they can, they walk around the class and give you tips. And so that also just feels like a lot of care And, um, I'm just so, so grateful for this, for this opportunity to like commit to strength in this way.
And it's been super fun and great for my mood
Eva: Exactly. I was gonna say, it's a really great way to distress too, when you're fucking pissed, you just swing that kettlebell and you just,
Kyley: Yes. Like, ah,
Eva: yes.
But [01:06:00] I, as someone who is a former, you know, gym rat and can't do it anymore 'cause of chronic fatigue, like, I love this for you because I personally know how gratifying it is to get stronger.
Like, that's actually why I love exercise. It's not about like, yeah, fitness is, I mean, you know, like whatever, there's, there's different benefits to fitness and there's a lot of benefits. Actually. Your body just feels so much better. But I love feeling strong.
Like that to me is such a. high of like, oh, I'm strong.
It feels so good to be strong in your body and you know, the whole experience of becoming more aware of your body is like very empowering and connecting with your body. So, oh, that sounds just really generative.
Kyley: Yeah, and it was really hard. It was, it was not. There was some real start stop energy I had to like face a lot of resistance around, like really committing to the point. The, the theme of today about commitment is like by what I was like, have been watching in lots of areas for a lot of [01:07:00] months. And it was just really interesting to see how like, lovingly I had to like pep talk myself around like fear of change and, you know, um, um, fear of being in the body, being it deeply in my body in different ways.
And so I'm also really generous for like, the care, the woman who wants the gym. Like, there's one, it's like a week and a half where it just like didn't show up and she was like, Hey Kylie, how's it going? You know, like, just like this, like really loving check-in. Like, she's like, I feel very like kindred spirits with her, that she's someone like, I just feel like in good hands emotionally and physically and I'm really, really, really so
Eva: nice. Yeah.
That's so nice when you can find that community. Woo-hoo. Good for
you. Yeah.
At the end of last of the summer, at the beginning of summer when we recorded our last visit, we talked about, yeah, we'll check in to see you on how our, how our commitment to physical health has been going.
So I'd love that update from you. I'll share mine at some other point, but, um, for me, the thing that's [01:08:00] bringing me joy is, it's a, it's a combination of, I think, a lot of different factors, but I think it has a lot to, well, basically, I, I'm, I'm in Mexico. I will be here for six weeks, which is a crazy long time. And I've been here for about four now, and I'm here with my partner and we've just been our in our own little love bubble, and it's been. I mean, honestly, just the best. It's just the best.
I don't have any other words, friends. It's so cute and romantic and sexy. It's like, we're in Mexico, we're in this small little beach town in Mexico eating tacos.
It's hot, it's sweaty. It's like, I'm so, I'm, you know, I'm tan. I really love being tan, actually. Like, I'm so feeling myself these days. I'm like, dude, I'm a hot piece of, as when I got some color on my skin. Um, it's like so nice. It's just this little, um, love bubble that we're in and yeah, I mean, there's, there's [01:09:00] every part of that
Kyley: I kinda what? What is better than a lovable in Mexico? In the sun?
Eva: Yeah,
it's really great. Yeah. We just like work during the day and then come together at night. But one other thing, I, I, my, originally, originally, when I thought about my answer for this question, it was like just being so grateful that. The love relationship in my life is not a problem. Just noticing like,
there's not a problem.
There's, there's a lot of things that I worry about and there's a lot of things that, you know, I get worked up about and like my relationship is not one of them. And it is, that's a really nice experience to have.
Um, coming from some of my past relationships, you know, there's always something that I was like concerned about or I don't know, even, even if it's something silly, like, you know, washing dishes, you know, like, you know, that's an ongoing theme that's come up, you know, for, for you and, and Nick.
But, but that's for,
Kyley: good at washing the
Eva: I am, I'm actually not surprised. I feel
Kyley: very satisfying.
Eva: that's really nice,
but do you know what I mean? We just have like these little, couple things and,
and not [01:10:00] to say that they won't come, but what a blessing and to be like right now,
it's not something I need to worry about. It's the absence of something that actually makes something great often,
you know?
Kyley: Yes, yes, yes, Mm. I love that. All right, beloved listeners, please send us your question that we can answer in a future advice column episode, and, uh, we can't wait to share with you everything we've got cooking for season six.
Eva: And if you like the show, we would love to hear what you think. Write us a review. It's been a while since we've had some new reviews. We gotta get those in there. We love that. So, um, we love you and we'll see you next week.
Kyley: We were so lit up by today's conversation that we actually created a free workbook. It's called A Gentle and Fierce Path Forward, and it will help you stay present and resourced and committed, especially while the world feels so heavy right now.
Eva: Yeah, inside you'll find simple but powerful prompts, ways to feel your feelings, which is always an important practice to commit and keep going when even when it feels hard, and to ask for what you need. [01:11:00]
Kyley: And we have a link for it in the show notes where you can go ahead and download. It's totally free.
Eva: Yeah. And we really think it's gonna be supportive if you, and if it resonates, share it with someone that you love.
Kyley: We
Eva: love you.