One year in, Eva finally lets us into the delightful, delicious inner world of a whirlwind romance that has surprised her over and over again. How do you fall in love with someone you’ve put on a pedestal? (Spoiler alert: You’ve got to take them off!) And what does it mean to find out just how good life can get?
One year in, Eva finally lets us into the delightful, delicious inner world of a whirlwind romance that has surprised her over and over again.
How do you fall in love with someone you’ve put on a pedestal?
(Spoiler alert: You’ve got to take them off!)
And what does it mean to find out just how good life can get?
Eva's instagram: @iamevaliao
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Kyley's Instagram: @kyleycaldwell
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Pocket Mentor(Friend)ship- Eva's Newest Offering!
[00:00:00]
Eva: Hi friends, Eva here. This week's episode is so special to me. As you'll hear at the top of the episode, I was really nervous about recording it. For all these reasons that you'll hear in the episode, it's not just because I'm in this new relationship, but there are all these different dynamics that make it just, uh, I think kind of a unique situation.
Eva: And I went from feeling so nervous to actually feeling so honored to be able to share this part of myself with all of you. It's a fun conversation. Let me [00:01:00] just start with that. You know, I talk about this relationship I've been in for a year plus. And, you know, it's fun in the way that sometimes new love can be fun.
Eva: It's juicy and sweet and There's me gushing and giggling and Kylie, you know, giggling with my best friend, but it's really a conversation about so much more. It's about self love and universal love. And, um, I feel honored to share this because I actually think it's conversations like this that, that bring more love into the world.
Eva: And I'm really hoping that just through the listening of it, it brings folks some more lightness, a little bit more lightness or a lot more lightness actually, and trust and belief in life. Um, it's a, it's a, it's a great conversation. And I don't say that, lightly because I can be like really critical about myself.
Eva: And I always go back and I'm like, Oh my God, was that any good? Like, did I make any sense? Like, are people going to get anything out of this? But, um, but I actually had to like, go back and listen to it because I was like, [00:02:00] Oh my God, I don't know if I want to air this. Um, cause Kylie and I actually recorded this a few months ago.
Eva: So I'm here now in Taiwan, you know, It's the fall. We recorded this way back a couple of months back, I think even before the summer. And so I hadn't, I forgot like what we had talked about. And so I had to go back and listen to, to listen to some parts. And I was like, Oh my gosh, Eva, like you can trust this conversation.
Eva: And, um, And I really think it will bring a lot of openness to, to those who listen. So anyway, before we dive into the conversation, I want to share a couple of things that Kylie and I are promoting. So in perfect timing, actually, you know, in this episode, I, I share about my relationship with my partner, Tom.
Eva: Um, and we. Uh, ran a retreat last year, Love is the Power, in Brazil, the first one, and registration for the second one is opening this week. Woohoo! Woohoo! This is like, [00:03:00] I'm so excited, guys. Um, this event is awesome. So much fun. It's so profound. You come to Brazil and hang out with me. Like it's such a beautiful space.
Eva: We'll be in the Lua and Cantata, which maybe if you see my stories on Instagram, it's like, I believe it is a space that like holds people in the shedding of their grief and their suffering and is like revitalizing and really wants the best for us. And so it's about doing Byron Katie's, the work, um, in which we question the thoughts that cause all suffering.
Eva: And also, you know, there's and, and community and intimacy and laughter and nature time. And, um, yeah, really looking at ourselves closely so that we can experience the love that we are. So the event takes place in March, 2012. 25. Uh, I think it starts on the 9th. I feel like I should have these dates straight by now.[00:04:00]
Eva: Um, and we think it's going to be a pretty packed house. So if you're interested in, you know, you're, you're curious, like, what is this even about? You know, can I even really get to Brazil? Message me. Let's chat. Let's have a talk. Um, I'm happy. I'm like want to shepherd people through the process of joining possibly one of like the greatest experiences of their lives.
Eva: It's not just I mean, yes, bring in Brazil with these amazing people is such a special experience. But really, it also it is the spiritual exploration that we get to do together as a group. Um, I would so love for some of y'all to join if it feels right to you. Um, the information will be. On my Instagram, but again, just message me on Instagram or shoot me an email or something and we can chat.
Eva: As for Kylie, she's got two amazing offers for y'all. The first one is Quantumly Pure Business. So this is a free masterclass. And I really highly recommend that if you are feeling stuck in your business or just need some [00:05:00] inspiration, if you're new or even old, and you've, you know, And you're old as in you've been doing your business for a while and you're just hitting a plateau.
Eva: I highly recommend that you check out this free masterclass. She offers so much value. Kylie is truly just a whiz and a powerhouse at supporting people through, I wasn't saying supporting people through their business, but it's really supporting people through spiritual growth through their business because they go so hand in hand.
Eva: That's totally free. You can find it on her, on her website, Instagram. Um, you know, she, it's already, it's already Finished so it's recording and she was just like it was so powerful and I really trust that And then the second thing that she's got going on is thrive So thrive is her six month group program and six months is amazing because it's enough time to really learn some shit Practice it and then apply it and then Get feedback from Kylie and the group and then do it even better.
Eva: Like, you know, I love the idea of this longer container because I think it can lead to real transformation in your business. Um, and I [00:06:00] also think the other thing is. that I feel really confident that you will join this course and make money. And that's, I mean, make money in your business, which is what we all want to be able to like share our gifts with the world and to make money doing it so that we can support ourselves too, and make money in a new way where it doesn't feel like, you know, the, the F the efforting, which we're, um, you know, losing our souls kind of way.
Eva: And Kylie, if you don't know, already, you know, I mean, just listen to this conversation. She shepherds me. So skillfully through not just this conversation, but through my life as a friend, as a confidant, as you know, a coach, she's just amazing. So skillful, so thoughtful. She's able to really like get into you and understand you.
Eva: Um, her knack is really the intersection of the spiritual business path. So if you are somebody who wants to really [00:07:00] thrive in your business, check out that program. So that's It From Us, business wise. Now let's jump into the episode. If you guys are coming to the end and have something that you'd like to share with me, I would love to hear from you guys.
Eva: You can always message me on Instagram. And, um, if you like the show, please subscribe, rate, you know, all the things, they really, really help us. We love getting reviews and we love you. Enjoy the episode.
Kyley: Hey, it's Kylie. Welcome
Eva: Eva.
Kyley: back to Hello Universe.
Eva: I am so nervous.
Kyley: I
Eva: I'm like, I'm actually like, I mean, I'm, it's, I think I've never been so nervous for a podcast episode before quite possibly. Like,
Kyley: mean, that completely tracks.
Eva: yeah, it's interesting. Um,
Kyley: Well, listeners have probably already seen the juicy title that I'm sure we gave this episode. And so they already know essentially why you're nervous, but do you want to tell them what we're going to talk about today?[00:08:00]
Eva: Yes, I'm not exactly sure. So we'll see how it comes out. But I think where I'm finally ready to talk about this relationship I've been in for almost a year, which I have not explicitly spoken to, this is the episode where I came to Kylie and I was like, okay, it's been a year since my life has totally fucking transformed.
Eva: And I went from living here. At the Airstream in Austin to living my life in Brazil. And I've been very tight lipped. I mean, I've, I've. leaked some things, but they're, but mostly I've been a little tight lipped about like, how the fuck did I actually get here? The really juicy details, like all the magic that's been happening, which really stem from this new relationship that I've been in with, uh, with a man who I don't, I wouldn't say he's, he's a public, he's not a public figure.
Eva: He's actually [00:09:00] very, very, very, very private and very mysterious in some ways, but, but he's been a big figure in my life. And now. Um, yeah, now we are living together in Brazil and, and I can't, it's like I've been wanting to yell it from the fucking rooftops and also have been very guarded about my story as well.
Eva: And now it just feels like it's time, I think.
Kyley: I'm really excited that it's time because we talked about offline. Um, it's just been amazing. Your joy and your experience of love and joy has been so rich to receive.
Eva: Mm
Kyley: it's just so incredible to. like to experience as your, as your companion, as your pal. [00:10:00] And, um, yeah. So first of all, I'm just fucking happy for you and I'm excited that it, I'm excited that it all feels safe enough to share.
Kyley: You know, there's, I think there's that period where it actually just feels so sweet for it to be private. It's like, no, this doesn't involve anybody else. And, and, and, uh, the outside world is entirely irrelevant. And there's also this way in which it's, there's this, I think this strong desire. To just protect this precious thing and that's a beautiful chapter and I, and I am also excited for you for the way in which it's like, okay, I, I'm the way in which you are ready to share because on some level I think it also speaks to, yeah, I don't know, there's a kind of like safety in all of it that I'm just excited for you and I just love you and I'm happy for your happiness.
Eva: Oh, . I mean, you've been, you were, oh my God, you were there every step of the way. Like [00:11:00] even, so it's in the summer of last year where you, I was like, I don't know. Should I make a move? Should I tell him? Like, oh my God, what should I do? When you were like, we were texting, and of course you being like, , you being the encourager of all things, being like, yes girl, go for it.
Eva: Like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. . I was like.
Kyley: Yeah. I am not the friend you come to if you want someone to not like,
Eva: Support you in doing what you want to do. Yeah.
Kyley: Exactly. Once I had a, the years and years, years ago, I had a friend who was like, okay, I just got this like small, like, you know, a hundred dollars or something like that. Do I do, and at the time, none of us made any, any money money.
Kyley: We were like, you know, 22 years old and she was basically, do I buy this very responsible thing or do I do this thing that I really want? And I was like, well, you asked me, so that's already the answer.
Eva: Yes. Yes. Yes. Exactly. You're a good friend to have in that, in that way. Um, but I will say one thing that I've been contending with, as you know, Kylie, which is why it's taken me a year to, I've been [00:12:00] living this sort of like, In a way, secret life, not to my, like, friends, everyone in my life, like, knows exactly what's up, they know all the fucking juicy details because I can't stop fucking talking about it, but to be quote unquote public about it, what I've been contending with is, like, I'm dating this person who is really private in a lot of ways.
Eva: Um, and also I'm a person whose passion and work and art really comes from like sharing my life and, and just trying to find a balance of like, well, so like, what does that fucking look like? And honestly, we have no idea. Like we're just blowing the top off and we're just going to see how it goes. So giddy up.
Eva: That's like how it feels.
Kyley: yes, yes. I mean, that's how I think the best of interest start really giddy up,
Eva: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I don't know. Where should I start? Okay.
Kyley: All right. [00:13:00] Here's where here's my 1st question to kick off this journey for us. Okay. Why don't you just tell us about your cute boyfriend?
Eva: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Okay. This is gonna be like my favorite part. I'm literally doing a little dance in my chair. Um, because I would love to introduce to you all dear podcast listeners, Tom Compton, my beloved, my favorite fucking human on the planet. is, I mean, I've literally won a fucking lottery in terms of like, I'm not joking y'all like the fucking lottery.
Eva: And when I said this to my friend Nancy, who knows Tom, I was like, I won like the multi million lottery. She's like, girl, you won the multi billion lottery. Like you do not like you do understand what is happening here. So why this feels like a really big deal to me that Um, I am dating Tom Compton is because [00:14:00] prior to dating, I saw him as like a fully enlightened person.
Eva: Like, I really believed that I was like, Oh, this is someone who has gone all the fucking way. And I couldn't believe that I even knew that I had knew someone in my life who to me seemed completely free.
Kyley: Also, you've been crushing on him for years. Like, as long as I've known you, you've been crushing
Eva: Oh, I don't know. And that's like, and that's
Kyley: Like, let's also include the fact that a girl has had a crush for a minute.
Eva: Oh, yes. Let's include that very juicy detail because it's so fun. I met Tom at one of his retreats in Costa Rica, like six to seven years ago. And the whole story is just so funny because I don't even, it was one of those things where like, I don't know how I ended up there. I like, there's this whole story that I won't get into because it's too long, but like, but I just like, didn't even know who this person was.
Eva: And I. Was like guided there by [00:15:00] life and source and I was like, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here. But the first time I like opened up his website, I was like, who the fuck is this guy? Like, I could not take him seriously because he just had this like goofy smile and his hair, y'all, his hair is insane.
Eva: It's like, it's, it's like long and so curly and white and like, I guess, like, what do you think? Salt and pepper, white, just like, I was like, who the fuck is this guy? And was just skeptical the whole time as I tend to be. And then the minute I got there and I was in his presence, I was like, I adore this human being.
Eva: Like, Oh my God, this guy is the real fucking deal. And the week that I left that retreat, I immediately like hadn't even left yet. I texted my friend Nicole and I was like, Oh my God, I have a huge crush on this guy. So like, Day one, day one. I was like, I, this guy, I love, I adore this human being, but the truth is, is like, [00:16:00] he's Tom, so everyone adores Tom.
Eva: And I was like, that's normal. Like, of course, everyone adores Tom and he's very likable. Um, and in my mind, it was just like, this is fun, but like never in a million fucking years would we ever date because I don't know, I just,
Kyley: The why was irrelevant. It was just the story was like, Oh, this is, yeah.
Eva: Yeah. It's like, it's like never, it's just never going to happen is
Kyley: Okay. So here's one of the questions I, one of the other questions I have for you, because I love what you pointed out there. Like he, You know, in your crush phase was someone who you had on a pedestal, as we often do with people that we adore.
Kyley: And in his part of his particular, like the part of the infrastructure of his particular pedestal was like, you had given him this stamp of like fully enlightened human. Uh, I think you had said to me, but like, well, again, well, before you guys were dating, um, I'm curious to know how that has evolved as you've actually, right, [00:17:00] shifted
Eva: yes, yeah. So that's,
Kyley: beautiful companion.
Kyley: I mean, I just want to also say how much I have watched you like, just be in this, just this beautiful companionship. And so obviously some of that infrastructure has shifted. And so I'm curious to know how that feels
Eva: yes. I mean, so that's been a huge part of the journey actually, which has been so beautiful and so liberating because I've seen how unkind it is to put someone up on a pedestal because I don't know, it sounds like a compliment, like we just think this person is so great, but it's actually just a way in which we create separation.
Kyley: Yeah.
Eva: So I don't mean just an unkindness, it's an unkindness to myself, because essentially what I'm doing is building a hierarchy, being like this person is better than me, and, and, but it's also an unkindness to him because it's like, so unkind, it's like, there's a separation, but then there's becomes this like, sense of like, [00:18:00] Oh, you're so wonderful and you can do no wrong.
Eva: It's like, I can't, I don't allow him to be human when they're up on a pedestal. You know what I mean? And it's also, they're in a very precarious situation because then it's like, they act human. Then, then suddenly all the judgment comes in. I'm like, Oh, well, I thought, you know, you were supposed to be enlightened, you know?
Eva: So it's like this ridiculous thing that we do. And with, you know, I say that with a lot of compassion
Kyley: Can I add something to that? I think the other thing we do with the pedestal is it's also just so much a way of putting ourselves down.
Eva: yes,
Kyley: And so I think it's also a way of, to the unkindness to the other person, like they're just trying to love us and we're hoisting them up above us. And then I think because it's rooted, it's rooted on some level and putting ourselves down, then I think there's also this resentment.
Kyley: It's like, Oh, how dare you be above me when like we fucking live there, right?
Eva: Exactly. Oh my God. Just so well [00:19:00] said. And I, and I think you, you probably, you know, walked me through moments of that where there was a lot of me putting myself down of like, and it's really tricky because you and I work in the world of spiritual mentorship and, and healing. And so I'll, it just, It was really helpful for me to see all my stories of like what it means to be enlightened or like what it is to be a spiritual person and like how much I identified with being a spiritual person or not being it was, it was very humbling in a lot of ways too.
Eva: Um, and so a lot of how this has been such a beautiful gift for me is like, you've also just ushered me through so generously. Is. helping me.
Eva: I, I'm in a place right now where I actually experienced Tom and I as equals, which is insane to me. Insane. Because [00:20:00] especially because of how much I adore this man and see how like absolutely free he is. Um, but we're equals. in that we're both human and lovely and amazing and deserving of love and, and good things just as every human is, you know what I mean?
Eva: It's really more of a sensation of like, Tom's just a human being and that possesses all the wonderful qualities of a human being that I think we actually all possess. It's, it's like I see in him what I think is actually in, in all of us and in myself as well. And, and I mean, there's like so much to say about what does that mean to be the journey of coming into like, coming into my own power, I think is also what it's been about.
Eva: And I think [00:21:00] it's been a crash fucking course in letting go of self condemnation. Like, my whole, this whole past fucking year has been like, oh, how, how do you, how do I become equals with someone who I think is like fully enlightened? It's like, oh. I don't need to become more. I just drop all of the fucking bullshit that isn't love.
Eva: I just drop everything that isn't love. Everything gets in the way of me being loving, which is for me a lot of the self. criticism and the self judgment and the self doubt and the, and you know, those, the insecurities. And I think that's actually how I've come more into a place of understanding. There's no such, there's no hierarchy.
Eva: There's no fucking hierarchy. And he's never, that's the wonderful thing about Tom. It's like, he's never, it's been so healing that like, he's so wonderful because he's so fucking free. And yet there's no hint of like hierarchy in him. He's just like, [00:22:00] I'm just a fucking human living my life. Surfing, you know?
Kyley: I was just going to say surfing.
Eva: Yeah, exactly. Like I just, I just want to surf every day and I just want to have a good time, you know?
Kyley: Yeah. Well, I think I will also share that I think that's one of the really beautiful things that I've observed is the way in which. Like any beautiful relationship, I've seen the, the generous space holding that Tom has had for like, when, you know, when there's things that have come up, like, like you're speaking to here, it's been really, really sweet.
Kyley: You know, a girl always is happy to see when her friends, partners are
Eva: Yeah. Are awesome and good
Kyley: her of awesome. Yeah. And it's just really sweet to watch like, just, yeah, I don't know, just the generous way in which. I see him hold, and I watch you then, and I watch you let yourself receive, like, the space to work through some of the things.
Kyley: And I, I mention that particularly because I think a lot of us carry this idea that, like, we [00:23:00] have to, like, resolve all our shit. On our own, right? We're in partnership and something comes, especially when it's like newer. And it's like, and it's like, I got it. It's just like, this is a me thing. So I just have to tidy it up inside and like, and then I can bring the resolution, you know, or the plan or the solution forward, but I have to kind of like, get myself right first, kind of, and I think that's another unkindness.
Kyley: And it's been really sweet to watch the way in which you've been like, yeah, Here's the thing. And he's like, okay, great. I don't know. It's just really loving. I love, I love seeing that.
Eva: I mean, I couldn't ask for a better partner and place and experience to undo everything. That hasn't been love. It's been a fucking wild ride. Do and I think, I feel like I've lost . Yeah. Just layers lay like layer like that I've been holding on for decades of. self condemnation. And there's still a lot more to go.
Eva: But it [00:24:00] was one thing that's been so encouraging for me to see is like, when I hold on to self condemnation, I don't let love in. And there have been ways and times where Tom has just wanted to love me just by being him. And I've been like, when I think I'm not good enough or basically have any kind of story about myself, I can't, I can't receive it.
Eva: And just seeing like, Oh, I don't, I don't like that. Like that's not working. And I don't want to block in love from people who I love. Like, why do that? So
Kyley: Yeah. I
Eva: yeah, like, let's, let's let go of these stories because it's not serving anybody. It's really harmful to the people that we love.
Kyley: mean, yes. I just, a thousand percent. Yes. The, the thing that you're saying is like, we can only receive love to the depth that we love ourselves. It's not, you can only be right. There's a whole thing. I'm like, you got to love yourself before you can be in a relationship. And I think that's really unkind, especially people who are single and are like, I have been on the fucking self [00:25:00] development plan for 20 years.
Kyley: Like, fuck you.
Eva: Yes.
Kyley: Right. But I think we can only experience love to the extent that we love ourselves in or out of relationship. And I've had moments, I'll just share an anecdote where I used to remember this clear as day once, because years ago, Nick and I were in a fight about something that I think had to do with, um, Basically like practical things, which I put him on a pedestal about specifically so that I could put myself down and, and then be resentful that he's better at something that I'm bad.
Kyley: The whole, the whole thing. Right. And then, so a real mind field. So then he would express his needs and I would be anyways, you know, we're complicated.
Eva: this interesting dance that we do as humans. We're amazing.
Kyley: And so we were having, you know, we were like bickering about something in that arena. Like, I don't remember the specifics, but that was definitely the subtext of the dynamic. And I remember he just looked at me and goes, Don't you see that I love you [00:26:00] unconditionally? And I had to fucking sit down. I mean, it like, because what he was saying was like, my love is not conditional.
Kyley: You are pushing me away because you're pretending that whatever we're bickering about is, has anything to do with the quality of my love for you. And it was my, it was a moment where I also saw that this like pedestal thing. It was so shitty and unkind to him and was just a way so that I didn't have to receive this person who's like, I'm just standing here loving, like, I just love you, you know, like,
Eva: Yes. And I want to have a practical conversation about the dishes, but we can't fucking do that because you don't love yourself and you take it like really personally.
Kyley: we might think about the dishes until the day we fucking die, but that doesn't actually,
Eva: mean that. I don't. Yes. Yes.
Kyley: from the fact that I love you unconditionally. And. In that moment and ever since then, one of my constant intentions with Nick is like, can I let myself receive the love that is present here?
Eva: Mm hmm.
Kyley: How much, how, and like [00:27:00] checking in with myself, how much am I actually like buffering? I don't think it was even like, I'll be like laying down to go to sleep. He's already asleep. I'll like lay down and I will ask myself this question, like, where is the buffer of receiving how much this, is there a buffer, right?
Kyley: And can I dissolve any of it? Because I just fucking love what you're saying that the way that we Like can show up more beautifully in relationship the way that we can like really love our relationships and be the best fucking partner and just like love like soak up the joy of the partnership is to love ourselves.
Eva: Yes. Yes. And for me, loving myself has been a letting go. It's like, I not like I do more of, it's not like I hype myself up and I'm like, yeah, it's great to be like my own cheerleader often, you know, if I need it, but it's not, it's not a more of as in the spiritual journey we often know. It's not like I gain so much more and I'm adding so much more.
Eva: It's I'm just letting go of so much. I'm letting go of everything again. That isn't love. And
Kyley: Even you're so fucking wise. [00:28:00] There's so much goodness in this episode already.
Eva: Yes,
Kyley: Yes.
Eva: yes,
Kyley: And I'm actually ask you to say more because I feel like this is so my whole heart is just like on fire with what you just said that the self love is a letting go, not adding more and you said earlier like you are becoming more of yourself through the letting go but can I just ask you to say more about what that letting go experience has looked like presented you with.
Kyley: Or how you know when it's time to, how you know when there's something to let go of.
Eva: I think that's a big question. I don't actually know if I have an answer. The first thing that's coming up is like, it's letting go of anything that gets in the way. Okay. of experiencing love. So whatever that might be for you, but for me, we've already talked about the big one.
Eva: It's like, okay, I am already noticing that self condemnation is an [00:29:00] unkindness to myself and to Tom to receiving love. So like, let's let go of that. It's letting go of
Kyley: Can I ask more to, what do you mean by self condemnation? I think maybe that's kind of the question. How do you, you know, how do you recognize self condemnation? And then recognizing you
Eva: Yeah, I mean, it's like the umbrella term for all the fucking shit, right? All of it. It's like the self judgment, the criticism, the second guessing, the I'm not good enough, I'm not deserving, I'm not worthy of any of this, all of it. Any sort of like internal, um, that internal voice that is harmful.
Kyley: Hmm.
Eva: So that's what I mean by self condemnation.
Eva: It's like, I think that something I've been thinking about with like self consciousness recently is that like, you know, I used to be such a self conscious person and there's definitely still like hints of that. Right. Like that's not gone, but self [00:30:00] consciousness is like so painful because it's such a focus on I it's just, it's very, it's actually quite egotistical and I don't mean that as.
Eva: a blaming because if you're feeling self conscious and you hear me say that, well, you're also being egotistical, that's just another more ammunition for you to hate yourself.
Kyley: Or your inner critic is like, more fuel. Ha ha
Eva: But it is like exhausting. It is like, I'm, I'm, it's, I'm tired. You know, I get so tired of being so obsessed with myself.
Eva: I'm just obsessed with myself when I'm being self conscious because all I can do is think about me, me, me, me. And I'm thinking about Self consciousness is, I'm thinking about what other people are thinking of me. So it's constantly a world of Eva, Eva, Eva, Eva, Eva, Eva, oh my god, and even to that I'm just like, Ugh, this is like so draining, it's really draining. And so I think it's like, also letting go of the story of like, I, more and more, which is, I mean, you're asking, like, what does that mean? [00:31:00] I don't know. I mean, that's like a big question. It's like, how do we let go of the story of I? And I think more and more, I'm just identifying less as Eva and identifying more as Source.
Eva: Like, I really do feel like that's true. I identify less as, like, Source. a body, and it doesn't mean I don't love my body, but I identify less as a body who's also like, a 40 year old woman, Asian woman who grew up in California and has these traits and like, and this is her personality. But it's like, the more I let go of those stories, the more like, source really does come like streaming in and I'm like, Oh, that's not like what I am.
Eva: It's like, I'm pretending to be that. And that's like really funny and really cute and sweet. But like, I'm, I'm looking out my window right now. I'm just seeing all the trees and the birds and the [00:32:00] sunshine. Like when I was like, boom, like I'm all of that. All of that. It's like so much bigger than just, you know, this small self.
Kyley: You mentioned letting go. And what I was thinking, well, I was thinking about a lot of things, receiving a lot of things when you're sharing that story. I'm sharing that wisdom and I was also thinking about how much you're talking about letting go of the self, but you also did a lot of letting go. I feel like your whole journey into having this experience of joy, it's just so many different ways that I've watched it be about letting go for you.
Kyley: And, uh, I just, I love what you're offering that when we let go of our stories and when we just let go, yeah, just like source pours in.
Eva: Yeah. [00:33:00] Yeah. I had this, uh, ceremonial experience this weekend. I don't know if I shared this with you yet where I was like, Oh my God. I just saw myself so clearly of like, you know, Kylie, you of all people know that I love to know, like I will, I need to know the fucking answer. I need to know how it goes. I need to know what do I do with this information?
Eva: It's like my favorite fucking thing. And I saw actually though that like, I get really stuck when I don't know and I just saw this experience of like, okay. What if I, when I, when I don't know, if, if I don't need to know, like that is me, like
Eva: devoting myself to life completely. Like I saw myself falling into life. Like I give myself over to you completely because I don't know. So life, you do it for me, you take me. And that's like complete [00:34:00] humility. You know, it's like, I don't, when I don't know I'm in complete humility. And when I'm in complete humility, humility, Then life has a chance to show me what's up.
Kyley: Yeah.
Eva: was like, it was actually devotional. Do you know, like I use that word because it was like beautiful. It was this dance that I could do with life where I was like, I completely trust you. And then Tom came in with this phrase that was like, you know, let, let love, let us let love have us. And I was like, Oh my God, I just kept, I just kept ringing him in my mind, like, let us let love have us.
Eva: And I was like, yes, yes, like, let me just give myself over to love like so completely. And, you know, I think that's, I think I'm, as someone who loves to fucking know, I think there's a, there's a way to go, ways to go before I surrender, like, you know, experience that depth of surrender, but like, that's where I would [00:35:00] like to go.
Eva: Hmm.
Kyley: You know, can I offer that at the same time that there's more letting go and more love that gets to come in? I also think you do this exceptionally like your whole, if I, if I can say, if I can share this tidbit, like your whole, the whole start of your relationship with Tom, I feel like was your Was just this really delicious, like, I don't know, but this next, this one next step seems fun.
Kyley: So I'm going to take it. And it was, and it was effortless. Like you didn't effort at that, right? You just, you were just being Eva in the way that you exist and was like, Oh, there's, there's a step in front of me. That seems really fun to take. So I'm going to take it. I don't know, but let's go, let's go.
Eva: Thank you for saying that actually, because that's also what I saw. And, [00:36:00] and I share this for the listeners in case anyone out there is also maybe having a similar story. Like at first, I was like, Oh my God, I have so far to go. You know, like there's always a story of like, it's, it's such an uphill climb.
Eva: It's such a fucking, uh, struggle. Like, you know, this is hard. You know, we love the story of like, this is so hard and I'm so far away and I'm never going to get there. Um, and I actually saw, wait, but in that moment, I was like, wait a second, I do do that. You know, there was like, there was an acknowledgement of like, I think we all do that in some areas of our life.
Eva: And I don't actually think we're as far away as we think. And I think that's actually like really encouraging. And just like to, to remember that, like, I don't actually think any of us are as far away as we think, regardless of where we are. Yes,
Kyley: think that, like, the, um, the place where the place that we're standing is the starting line.
Eva: yes, exactly.
Kyley: And it's like, baby girl, you've been doing this for your whole life, like, like you already, [00:37:00] this is already the way that you move through the world. You're just being invited into more of the things you want or the way that you want to be. And also the reminder that like, of course, there's always so much more because it's fucking infinite, right?
Kyley: Like, like any single path is infinite. There's no, there is no arrival for the fact that we've already fully arrived, you know?
Eva: Yes. Woo. Okay. Okay. I want to transition to talking about like, cause you asked this question of like letting go and what have I like been letting go of?
Kyley: Yeah. Yeah.
Eva: There've been like three big pieces, like, um, I don't know if I'd call them hurdles or obstacles, but themes, I guess, like my relationship with Tom that I've come up and we just addressed the first one, which is like me putting him on a pedestal because I perceive him as being fully awakened, et cetera, et cetera.
Eva: And I want to talk more about that, by the way, about this path of like, um, I mean, actually, let me just speak to that really quick. When I say fully awakened, I experienced Tom as [00:38:00] someone who truly suffers less than any person I know. And to me, enlightenment has always been, you know, the Buddha's definition of enlightenment is the end of suffering.
Eva: And I experienced Tom as someone who doesn't suffer because he's done. And as context, when I, for listeners, you know, I mentioned, I met him on retreat. He is a facilitator of Byron Katie's The Work. And so he started this like 20, 30 years ago and then became director of the school. And his whole process has been for the past 30 fucking years or whatever.
Eva: And then he was also like a Yogananda devotee before that. So it was meditating twice a day for 20 years before that. Like he's also just been questioning everything he's believed for the past, like 20 years. And it's been so encouraging Kylie, because I actually think like freedom. is totally possible.
Eva: Like that's one thing that's awesome about hanging out with Tom is [00:39:00] like, Oh, like we can all awaken in this lifetime. It's totally fucking possible. And
Kyley: is not as hot. Suffering is optional, right? Suffering is actually optional. And I think you and I, like we've spoken to this for years. Like that's the knowing of that. Pulls us forward. And it's nice to have some tangible validation of, you know,
Eva: yes.
Kyley: Mental chatter, anxiety, you know, whatever it is.
Eva: Yeah. And also for me, just a plug for the work because Brian Katie's work, as people know from this podcast, it's like a big part of my practice and it's becoming a bigger part of my practice. It's like, I have actually seen like, Oh, and here's like a practical way to fucking Meet your suffering. I mean, there's nothing that the work cannot hold you in that's going to undo it until you experience love at some point
Kyley: And this was also, again, as a like bystander, one of the things I've loved for you in this whole journey is like how much fucking [00:40:00] fun you are having being in love, eh, and also being in love in a partnership that's where you're just both so deeply like.
Eva: in it, in the
Kyley: in it!
Eva: yes, in the fucking work of like, not just by in case the work, but like in the work of, of, of going all the way.
Kyley: Well, and it's, it's like, right, the, the, the phrase, the work is, it feels particularly misleading in this instance, because it's so joyful, like you're, like, you are having these, you know, talking about shedding all these layers, shedding all these layers, and one of the things I have loved, and actually that has been really big medicine for me, is how joyful it has been, right, it's like these, all, I'm seeing like, um, the images showing up in my mind is like, Somebody walking and there's just all of these like rainbow streamers and they're just floating away and the wind is just like kind of joyfully, playfully tugging them away.
Kyley: And as someone who [00:41:00] sometimes, you know, for my astrology, girly is myself known as in Scorpio. So, and I have like a lot of Pluto influences in my chart, which is to say, I. I am, I'm the Queen of Shadows for a reason. It's really safe for me to be in the place of like, Oh yeah, I can do the scary heart thing.
Kyley: Yeah, for sure. Let's just go into the muck. The, the like, what if you could have the same transformation with just like total joy and delight and like cracking up and skipping through the fields is personally a big
Eva: Yes, yes, fucking yes, girl, like, oh my god, big feelings about that, because you've seen part of what I've been contending with is also like feeling big, big joy, and then feeling self conscious about that because it's been so vulnerable, but, but I do, if I can like, just relish or enjoy something that I love about my
Kyley: Please, girl, gosh, [00:42:00] all you
Eva: with Tom is that that's like the flavor of Tom.
Eva: He is just like fucking fun dude. He's fun. He's fun and he's goofy and irreverent and joyful and he brings just like love, love, love, love, love to all of this spiritual quote unquote work. Like he does an amazing job of holding the spectrum of emotions of human emotions like From, you know, like, and I've seen it, like, from, like, the deadliest fucking grief, you know, to, like, the biggest anger, and he holds it all, but his essence is just, like, let's have some fucking fun, and then I come in, and I've also noticed that my essence is also, like, let's have some fucking fun,
Kyley: gonna say, you're just, you just, just rewind the tape. You just described yourself to a T, so I'm glad you got there before I had to.
Eva: it's, like, we're just, we're just I don't know, I think we're so well matched in that way of like, and this is like actually kind of what I want to bring more into the world, which is this like bubbly, giddy, joyful, like, it [00:43:00] does not have to be this fucking serious, guys, like, life is insane, and there is so much pain and grief and suffering that I've, you know, that I witness, and I go into in myself, and it fucking sucks, dude, so.
Eva: Let's have some fun because the world is on fire. There is true suffering out there and not like, let's have some fun as a way to ignore the suffering, but as a way to transform the suffering. And that's something that I'm like trying to like learn in myself while also not wanting to, um, you know, like I've said, my fear is that in being so big in my joy that I'm going to alienate people who are really going through it.
Eva: And I have a big fear of that. Cause I also don't want to be cast out of love, you know, Kylie.
Kyley: for you, I was like in the darkest of sad, like the, the real time experience of like, [00:44:00] some of my, like, most painful moments in, in my, in my, you know, in the breakup that I was walking through were happening. As you were just, like, getting cracked, basically, I was getting cracked open by grief and you were getting cracked open by joy at the exact same time, it was just, I mean, a million times that you held me while I was ugly crying, uh, or deeply crying, and then a million times in which you would share just your joy, and it would just, like, wash over me like sunlight, you know, like, just. Your joy and witnessing your experience and witnessing how much life was loving you. Oh, I could cry. It took really good care of me. Like I was so happy for my friend because I want you to be happy. And also watching you crack open the joy, like it gave me [00:45:00] so much. It took really good care of me.
Eva: Oh, um, yeah, no, I'm crying. And honestly, like I really. appreciate that. And I actually want to explore that a little bit more because I think that says a lot about you. Because I
Kyley: We're a good team. It says a lot about both of us.
Eva: we're a team, but, and I think, but I think it speaks about when someone is open to receiving that medicine.
Eva: And I think my question is like, what, when are people not open to receiving that medicine? And like, when and why? And like, do we do, what do I do about that? If people think it's selfish question, you know?
Kyley: Yeah, well, maybe the answer is letting go because maybe for some people the medicine is their resentment.
Eva: Mm-Hmm.
Kyley: Maybe for [00:46:00] some people, you, like, skipping through the fields and frolicking and sharing, like, life is joy and ecstasy is the best. Like, you know, being ecstatic is the best and like, come on in.
Kyley: And that makes them fucking pissed. Perhaps that's exactly what they needed. And who are you to try to control? Who are you to try to dictate what they need from life or what life needs to give them?
Eva: Oh yes. That's so beautiful. Yeah. It's like I can't, and also I think as you've reminded me, like I need to be willing to be, I don't know, like this is not just about this ex this, I think my whole, you know, all in life. I think all of us need to learn how to be willing to be disliked. We need to be willing to maybe misunderstood and triggered some people.
Eva: Like that's, I can't, I, I think I can't always be liked, and I think that's. That's been the second hurdle, quote unquote, I was going to lead us to in terms of like, my relationship with Tom is like, needing to let [00:47:00] go of what other people think, no, needing to let go of all my fucking indoctrination in terms of like, culturally and societally, like, what is right?
Eva: And that is, that is bad. That is, put me through the fucking ringer.
Kyley: This is very juicy and I want to go right there. I want to say one thing before we pivot from the other thing. I think it's not just the, you know, if part of your medicine in the world, which I, we've talked about this offline, I think is, is like this joyful, it gets to be fun and playful to, on the spiritual journey.
Kyley: I don't think it's just the invitation to be okay being disliked. I actually think there's an invitation to recognize that someone being irritated. At what you have to say might be the very thing they need that you're serviced your service, just as much as it's been like, oh, yeah, look at this joy is great medicine.
Kyley: That was service for me, perhaps your service to them is that you make them fucking pissed and bitter and they make you make them see how much bitterness is in there and then they [00:48:00] can decide what to do with it. But it's, I think it's something deeper. I'm wanting to invite you into than just it's okay to be disliked, but maybe.
Kyley: Maybe that's actually the gift that you're giving them.
Eva: I think I, I think I understand what you're saying. Like to, to like actually step into the role of being, um, not the, what's the word I'm looking for? Like to, to, to, ah, there's a word for it. To like irritate or charge or activate people. In that way and I think, and I think there's definitely something there.
Eva: And I think that I could actually do that if I didn't judge myself, because what I've experienced, and again, this is through doing Brian Katie's the work is that like, I know that I've come full circle and like, have really, Um, like integrated something and found peace in something is like if I feel if I previously I felt self conscious about something and then [00:49:00] maybe I'm like self conscious about like, I don't know, uh, I don't know my my hands.
Eva: Maybe I'm self conscious on my hands. And then someone says something to be about my hands. And they're like, Oh, you have really weird hands. And, and yeah, Instead of feeling, um, defensive, I actually, like, can feel love for them, because it's no longer charged for me. Like, that's when I know that I've fully moved through and I'm free of, like, some insecurity or story and identity that I have about myself.
Eva: And so,
Kyley: So what a beautiful gift you and this imaginary person are giving each other because your joy is triggering for them and they're them being triggered is triggering you. So what are, what are like nice reciprocal relationship?
Eva: Okay, that is just so funny, because I sent you that Byron Katie quote yesterday, which was like, Our job is Unconditional Love and everyone else's buttons is here to, everyone else's job is here to [00:50:00] push our buttons, which I think is exactly it, like, we are here to learn Unconditional Love and everyone here is here to show us where we're not yet experiencing that and where we have more room for it. So yeah, there you go. You're right. Oh, but it just feels so uncomfortable, but you're right.
Kyley: know. Okay. Speaking of discomfort, let's roll on to the next segment you were saying about, but you know, peeling off this, like, programming.
Eva: yes, I think it's like programming. So the other big. Piece that was probably also added to like why I never thought it would happen with Tom and I Was just our age difference. So he's 26 years older than me, which so I'm 40. He's 60 66 and it's really weird because I don't, it's never, like, it was never an issue ever when we were in the presence of each other.
Eva: It was just when I got into my mind, [00:51:00] you know, and started thinking about, like, the practicality of, like, what this means, and really mostly, like, what other people would think, and then actually a lot of it was, like, what my family would think, because not just, like, I mean, families play a role in all of our lives, but I also just have this, like, traditional Asian background that's, like, I, I perceive to be just a little bit more, well, I don't know what, what I would call it, like, You know, Asian, Asian. And so there was just like a lot of, and also it's really, if I'm being honest, like concerning out what other people will think, what, and a lot of it was protection of Tom because so Tom has, um, how do I say this? Okay. Let's just say Tom has his community of folks. He's, yeah. I want to describe for the listeners how.
Eva: I [00:52:00] experienced Tom, Tom in the world.
Kyley: Please, I was trying, I've been trying to figure out how to, like, get more tidbits of you gushing about Tom into
Eva: Yes, I think it'll just happen naturally because there's just so much I could say, but so you know, I talked about how he was the director of Byron Katie's the school for like, I don't know how long. And he's really fucking good at what he does. Um, you know, he has a very successful business in which, like, People want to work with him and he has no more room.
Eva: But not only that, like he's just fucking hilarious. He will not answer a text message to save his goddamn life. Like he will.
Kyley: a type. Me,
Eva: Oh, yeah, exactly. Exactly. like. Like he is his true passion truly is like experiencing like ultimate love and surfing and that's it and now me and it's [00:53:00] like and his family, you know, I mean, and anything else is like whatever, like he is really committed to being in service of release of, you know, eradicating suffering in the world.
Eva: But like, again, he just like loves what he loves and wants to have fun. And so it's like he has all of these people who want to work with him and, uh. He's fully booked out and people email him and he just looks like ups and and and like people will email him for like important fucking things like sign up for events and like I need to like organize this thing and he just like won't check his phone because he just like cannot be reached.
Eva: He cannot be reached. He cannot be found. So he's also this like miss in a way like, you know, So personable and available for people in some ways, but also a complete fucking mystery. And
Kyley: not to make you're sorry about me, but I'm like, I need to let myself rebrand like International Woman of Mystery instead of,
Eva: yes.
Kyley: instead of stressed out ADHD
Eva: Yes. What I'm saying is like, lean into it, girl. Like lean into it. I think it actually like can [00:54:00] work wonders because that's how I perceived Tom before I started dating him. I was like, who is this? Like amazingly fun, hot as fuck, by the way. Like I haven't even mentioned like how g g g g g g gorgeous this man is, okay?
Eva: He's a 66 year old, like, like, a wooga! Like, I, like, he is Boy, in my opinion, he's just like so handsome that like I still sometimes when I look at him I just like blush because I'm just like I am just so head over heels gaga, you know, madly in love with you And I don't I was like, so who is this like drop dead gorgeous handsome like lovable Um, his family calls him like Swami Tommy, you know, this like man of mystery, fully awakened being who like, I also can't get in touch with because like, I want to sign up for his events and like, it's so fucking disorganized, you know, and [00:55:00] that in my, like, I feel like that's how I had experienced Tom.
Eva: Um, and I don't even know how I got there.
Kyley: We just, we needed to, we needed some good Eva gushing of
Eva: We just need some like con con content. It's like how hilarious this, this human being is to me. Um, but yeah, I, I think I was talking about how I Oh, I know. I was saying that, that, oh yeah. And so he has this like business or you know, where, um, his community of people who, some of them, you know, he's been working, he's been working for, for years and.
Eva: I was really protective of how he was going to be perceived. That's what it was too. Like I was all up in his, his business in terms of like, Oh no, like, I don't want Tom people to think that he's like some predator or some like older man who's like preying on this like younger woman. And, and of course, like, this is the thing.
Eva: It is the stereotype. is the [00:56:00] stereotype is that I, I, a woman goes to a retreat. He's the quote unquote teacher of the whole thing. And then, and then And now he's like dating one of his students. Like that is just the beginning of every tabloid story of the spiritual yogi teacher who is, you know, fucking five girls on the side.
Eva: And it's not a good look.
Kyley: Yeah.
Eva: It's not a good look. It is. And I'm, and I'm also terrified of being like, oh, and now I'm the fucking stereotype trope of being like the dumb young girl who's like being taken advantage of and, uh, and, you know, whatever. And I'm, I'm, and at first I was like, really self conscious about that.
Eva: And, um,
Kyley: underscore like, yeah, self conscious about, right. Like the being perceived as that, right. Cause I think it was very, very, um, I, I never [00:57:00] experienced you being afraid that any of that was happening, but I did experience for you, this sense of like, other people are going to look at this and that's the story that they're going to put on to me or put on to Tom or put on to us.
Eva: yes,
Kyley: I, just want to offer, I don't know. I just want to. Even though you've moved through this, I just want to offer the compassion of that's a, that's a gnarly set of projections to have to contend with, especially as someone who is conscientious about what people think about her.
Eva: yes, yes. And so it's like, and so, yeah, we had like, We did a, we did a retreat here in Brazil where it was like, and it was very much, I was very much aware of like, yeah, our relationship, um, invites a lot of projections. people's projections. It really, it really does. And I think the only way that I, when I say like letting go, a lot of that [00:58:00] has been actually doing what you said previously, which is just like, I, I, I'm going to trigger people and I'm going to be triggered by people.
Eva: And I think a lot of it is like, I just need to let it fucking burn, like burn, like, And the burning feeling and this is something that I've learned through Tom is actually really good because it's like the path to humility like by burning I just mean like burning up like the story that I have of myself and I need to allow people to perceive me in that way.
Eva: And, and, and to hold both of like, can I allow you to perceive me in that way. And also, I can, if I'm really connected with my truth, and also like. And it's actually become quite easy and I think that's maybe why it's worked is that like my relationship with Tom and our time together is just so clearly, so, so loving, so fun, so genuine, so, I [00:59:00] don't even have words for it, but just delightful and innocent that as that grows stronger.
Eva: other people's projections, like, they burn up faster. Because I can just stand in my truth, you know what I mean? But it's taken some time to get there, and also, we're about to fucking do a round of retreats this summer, like, and be more public with people, and it's like, again, giddy up, let's go, let's see how this, let's see how this unfolds.
Kyley: How are you feeling about, uh, cause you've been in this like really lovely little bubble in Brazil.
Eva: We called it our love bubble, and now we're about to leave my love bubble, and I'm really sad, I'm really, really,
Kyley: on like the world tour.
Eva: it's like I, I thought I would be really excited because at the time it just sounded so exciting and adventurous, you know, we're going to, going to Europe and America, and then I'm going back to Taiwan, but.
Eva: It's in full transparency, [01:00:00] it's bringing up my shit, which is like, well actually, just to start with, it's like, I am so fucking sad to leave Brazil, like, this place has my heart, and I feel like my body is part of this land, and I just want to like, lie in it, you know, and like, and, and I'm just sad to go, so there's that.
Kyley: mean, it's funny. It's been six months and it also feels like you just got there yesterday.
Eva: exactly. Yeah. And, but I think I'm perceiving these next couple weeks as like another form of bootcamp of like, where I feel insecure or self consciousness is like, like you said, where people trigger me, it's all for me. And so it might be bootcamp, but also not going into it with this, like, you know, dedication to suffering where it's like, okay, well, it has to be hard, but also being really open to like, and what if, like, could it be that it could be like the most loving experience ever.
Eva: And also trusting [01:01:00] people. That's the other thing that's come up a lot is like, when I'm insecure, I go in on the defense and I'm like, I'm already like up and, you know, like I got arms up being like, well, I need to defend myself and, and, and yeah, moving through the world a little bit differently of like, what if these people aren't a threat?
Eva: And yeah, I don't know, like, what if I trusted people, you know, and know that trusted that they could be loving and understanding. And also like, cause most people have been, by the way, most people have been like, so. Just whatever, you know, and also I see how like this I'm so self conscious about like when I was self conscious about the age thing I felt like I had to like explain a lot to people and be like a lot and I would tell people and they'd be Like, oh, yeah, cool.
Eva: Like like no one cared as much as I did. You know what I mean?
Kyley: What I'm thinking about too, as you're speaking is like the anticipation of people's, [01:02:00] the anticipation of pain being, you know, costs don't pay so painful. Right. And that like people. You have had so many really lovely positive experiences of being received and, uh, and, and, and yet that like bracing energy that we have when it's like this could hurt.
Kyley: And
Eva: hmm.
Kyley: of course we do that to try to keep ourselves safe, but it actually. Like you're saying, it makes us defensive and it also just the bracing itself hurts. It's like when your muscles are all like super, super tense, like that's actually like not, it's like a painful way to be in your body.
Eva: Yes. Mm hmm. So it's about like, can I trust and let myself be a little bit looser, you know, and, and that's also what this podcast is about a little bit this episode. It's like an initiation to me like, okay, let's like take some steps, you know, um, to just share this with the world. Um, [01:03:00] but can I, I just, sorry.
Eva: This is, I don't think this is me explaining, but maybe if it is, and if it is you tell me, but I also just in the heart of gushing that I want to share about Tom, which I think is so fascinating. It's to me, honestly, just another proponent of Like doing our spiritual work and, and maybe doing Byron Katie's the work if you are finding a way to do your spiritual work and don't know how is that Tom is seriously aging backwards. Like, truly everyone sees him. They're like, you are just getting younger and younger because he's 66 years old and his stamina is like beyond my time times too. It's insane. Fucking sane. It is insane. And I love it because I get tired, you know, and I have like my chronic fatigue and he just like handles shit and like no complaints, no problems.
Eva: Like he's just, it's like actually kind of amazing to watch. And I think that it comes from not identifying as a body. [01:04:00] Like, I think he like loves his body and takes care of his body, but I've seen that man like go through a lot of fucking pain. And he just like, holds it so well. And I think maybe that's part of his natural disposition, but it's, it's kind of, I think the reason it works that like he's 66 and I'm 40 is because I don't, it's just like, it's kind of, it's just interesting for me to watch of like, that's, what's possible, I guess, you know, because I have a lot of body stuff that I struggle with and I identify with being like, Oh, you know, I'm sick in this way and blah, blah, blah.
Eva: And then I find it very inspiring and motivating to be like, when you let go of all your fucking baggage, you have a lot more energy. That makes sense.
Kyley: Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Eva: Like it's very efficient, you know,
Kyley: yeah. I mean, I've thought about that before in terms of like when I release like attachment to shit. Like it actually takes so much [01:05:00] energy to hold on to things. It is actually like energetically much more efficient to let go. Um, and it's like all of this, all these parts of me, you were so used to this in the beginning, like you're more of you.
Kyley: This experience has been like more of you pouring in, um, which is also the more source pouring in cause same, same. And, um, I mean, I just think about that all the time. Like, the more I let the rainbow streamers blow away, the more of me I am. It's like, the more energy I have, the easier it is for me to focus on things, that the easier it is for me to be present with things.
Kyley: But also, I mean, I've noticed that even myself, like, I, Oh, actually, I will share. Can I share?
Eva: Yeah, of
Kyley: Sorry, but I was, I took a yoga class for the first time in years the other day. I just haven't for ages, and like, honestly, it's probably been four years since I've taken a yoga class. Uh, [01:06:00] and. I was a little prepared to be like, Oh yeah, I've been out of practice.
Kyley: Blah, blah, blah, blah. Y'all I was like the oldest, the best, most, I was the strongest, most in it, most like bendy version of myself I have ever been. And I used to take yoga like three times a week. Like I had a really dedicated practice for a short window of time. And I was like, this, my whole relationship to like, just how I moved my body was completely different.
Kyley: And I was on the mat thinking this is because I have released untold amounts of trauma from my body. And so my body just literally moves differently.
Eva: my goodness.
Kyley: Wild. So I do fully, I'm not surprised what you're saying about Tom being like, just like boundless puppy of energy, because I do think that's what happens when we fucking let go of our shit is that more of us is there.
Eva: Okay. Yeah. I'm actually surprised we haven't talked about this before because I think about this all the time. Like as someone who [01:07:00] identifies as having chronic fatigue, I have noticed when I investigate, Like, I've also seen like, oh, when I am free of something that's causing me suffering, the direct correlation is that I have more energy.
Eva: So like, a lot of us who feel, like, I think about this a lot, like a lot of us who feel tired and like, you know, there's this, there is this sense of like, At least I've felt this way before and I, and I've seen my clients feel it, you know, and people talk about it on Instagram. It's like just this drag of life of like capitalism, essentially, you know, like I'm fucking working all these hours.
Eva: I'm tired. I just don't, I I've lost that zest, you know, that like that aliveness and I, and I'm, and I'm dragging my feet. And, and also, you know, that's depression too. You know, like I know what it's like to be depressed and to have, like, it's hard to put on fucking pants when you're depressed and, It's a huge, I don't know if I would say it's like a huge motivator, but I just, I have no [01:08:00] doubt, like, I have full belief that like, as I endure, undo, undo my stories of stuff, like, undo my stories in general, like, and, and question all the things that cause suffering and, you know, get more and more free, like, my body becomes more and more free, like, no doubt, 100%, there is that correlation.
Eva: I mean, but we also know this, there's like the mind body connection, right? Like a lot of times people get sick. Because of the, the trauma that they're carrying in their bodies.
Kyley: And I also think that our bodies, this is funny that this is our little
Eva: Yeah.
Kyley: but I have consistently experienced my body. Bringing something to the surface when I'm, when I'm ready. So either I've experienced my body, like, I'll get really sick
Eva: Yes. And you're a good, great reminder for me about that, by the way. Like, I just want to say, can you just speak to that a little bit? Like when
Kyley: sure that I consistently experience that my body. Our narrative is, oh, my body is sick because I've done something wrong because I still have this baggage or right? Or like, because we make [01:09:00] it either inconvenient or if we want to look at it through this lens of energetics, we can be really unkind with ourselves and our body about it.
Kyley: you know, illness or injury or whatever. And I experienced that this is my body loving me, right? And so actually a couple of weeks ago, I got super sick. Like, Couldn't really get couldn't get out of bed for a couple of days. Every muscle in my body hurt. It was like I was it couldn't even sleep. I was so sick.
Kyley: It was miserable and the whole time. I was like my body. You are moving something big. I'm here for it. Like great. And I had and I did end up having like a huge kind of spiritual release on the other side of it. I mean, incredibly profound. Um, And similarly, I've had things like where injuries like spring out of nowhere, and it's like, Oh, your body's like, you're ready.
Kyley: You're ready for this. You're ready for this. You know, we've been holding it waiting until you were ready and we're ready now. So let's dive on in. Um, but anyway, [01:10:00] I experience if everything's neutral, right? If like, good health isn't good and bad health isn't bad, but everything's neutral, then there's a way I think we can feel that our body's just like loving us and communicating in its language, which is.
Kyley: Ping your left knee hurts, you know,
Eva: Yeah. Yeah. And it's always just a really helpful reminder for me, I guess. Like when I get sick now, I don't always, but you know, usually my knee jerk reaction is like, Oh, that's fucking sucks. And I hate it. And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And resistance, resistance, resistance. But seeing how you move through, it's like, Oh wait, this is like, I'm sick because I'm like here to release something.
Eva: And like, my body is going to do it for me where I don't even have to mentally understand it, which is really cool. It's like the body is so intelligent that it doesn't. And I'm just like, okay, well then just let it, let it be.
Kyley: and I can still be miserable when I'm sick, right? And so, but, but there is at least a layer of like, loving, like loving that my, I don't make, I feel, I do feel like I had the gift of like my loving my body and like letting my body do its [01:11:00] thing instead of, it's like, I'm not enjoying this, but I love you,
Eva: Yes.
Kyley: is different than I'm not enjoying this.
Kyley: And like, what the fuck is wrong with your body? You know,
Eva: hmm. Mm hmm. Yeah. Ah, okay.
Kyley: All right. That was a fun little journey, but let's go back to the reason. Everybody's really here. Can I actually just give you an invitation to speak to. What you have loved about this partnership and how, um, that's the way I want to raise this question. I think I just really want to give you an invitation to relish with us what your life looks like and feels like.
Eva: my God. Wow. I think, like, thank you for asking that question. I feel like, I don't know, somehow, you know, like the [01:12:00] questions to ask, you know, whatever you're psychic and, and, and so, you know, but like, I was getting emotional as you were asking, I think because there's something here for me that maybe I also just haven't gotten to share as much as I would like because of the, you know, because because I've been kind of keeping it like private when in fact I've been wanting to yell from the rooftops like how magical and miraculous this whole thing has been.
Eva: Like, so this is really cheesy, but, but I also love it. Like we call each other, like I call Tom, my miracle boyfriend, and he calls me his miracle girlfriend. Like, it just feels like we are in this place where like, how did we get so lucky? Like, I don't have the answer. I don't have the answer. Um, but like how two people can be like so well suited for each other.
Eva: And like, as you said, like, how so much fun. And. I think to [01:13:00] answer this question, I've never experienced anything like this before. It's unlike any other experience I've ever had. And I think that is actually kind of, there is, there are perks, I think, with being, being in relationship with someone who, who, Is really free.
Eva: And I think Tom is, is one is like is really probably the most capable person I know of like practicing unconditional love. I mean, to truly love someone without condition is a tall order. It's like, I think you only, only do that when you're really fucking free. You know, when you're like ready to go all the way to love people without fucking condition.
Eva: And so to, so one, so he holds that space for me to like, I feel so safe that I can be fully myself. And all the messy parts and know that like, [01:14:00] you know, what does that and I'm still exploring what does that even mean to be loved without condition. It doesn't mean that he takes like shit. It just means that I think he has a true desire to love the world unconditionally.
Eva: And so to let each person be exactly as they are. And that has been so healing for me in so many ways. But there's just this. Like, oh god, there's just like so much that I can say about it, but I guess to start, it's just like the, the sweetness of it, like how sweet and fun and goofy the whole thing is, and how, um, I don't, I don't know how to answer this question, Kylie, I actually don't, like that's the thing, there's like, it's so hard to put into words, Yeah, this is a hard question for me to answer because I'm realizing there's a lot that goes into this, but I think it's also been really healing for both of us to [01:15:00] know, to practice, like, how deserving of love we each are. And that's also a really fucking tall order.
Eva: Like, that's, like, that's what we are both here for, I think, like, to let, to learn how to let love in and to be, to know that we are deserving of that unconditional love. And like, that's one thing that. You know, I just mentioned, like, Tom is showing me, but what I didn't expect is that that's something that he's also getting from me.
Eva: And I think that's been, like, really helpful for him in ways that I didn't expect, you know? And I, and I think that's the other thing. It's like, we are here to explore our limits, like, recognizing where we do have limits. And the question that he's posed is like, could it be that there are no limits? Like, can we explore, like, just to explore, like, we don't have an answer, but like, let's just keep [01:16:00] going.
Eva: Let's just keep going and see where our limits are. And then when we meet that limit, let's blow through that one and then just keep going. And like, could it be that there are no limits to love, love and to, to just experiment and see what that feels like. Um, it's, it's, maybe there's no limits to joy.
Eva: And, and it's been, and again, then it comes back to this theme of joy, like I've often like sat with him and be like, and just being like, I don't know if I deserve this, you know, like, sometimes it almost just feels like too much. And she's like, well, then, That's where my work is, is like just letting in all of the joy and the pleasure and like what's possible and I think then that's when I start to be like, okay, if this is possible, like, this is what I want for everyone.
Eva: And this is what I want to share with everyone. You know, let's all like, he has a saying like, Get high and go [01:17:00] free, like get high as in like, experience the love, you know, all of the goodness that we're surrounded by at every moment, all of the fucking support, all of it, like we are, we have this really silly saying like L U I G, like we're living under the influence of good, there's just good, good, good all around us, and just like fill ourselves up with that good, you know, and then get fucking free.
Eva: And that is like, I feel like that's the experience that we're having, that Tom is having every day of his life and that I'm here to, you know, like, um, on that journey and it's, yeah, it's really, it's really beautiful.
Kyley: We're both crying.
Eva: Yeah, I mean, there's just like so much I could say about this, you know, I want to talk about the day to day and how cute it is and how we live in this jungle hut. We live in a surf shack in the jungle, Kylie, surrounded by amazing people and all of this beautiful life and the mountains, this enchanted mountains and, and how, you know, like, I like to, [01:18:00] like, I don't know, the cute things that we do for each other and all of that is really sweet, but it also just feels like there's so much more than that, you know, the, it's like the exploration of the unlimited nature of love and goodness and support that's around us at all times, and how scary and vulnerable that can be. Yeah.
Kyley: I have like tears streaming down my face.
Eva: Yeah, it's like, I just feel every day is just like, oh, wow, it's like, um, a thank you consciousness, you know, it's like, and also all the while, there's that fear of like, that the rugs can get pulled out from under me or something, you know, or like, don't get too comfortable. Don't get too happy. Like you're on this podcast talking about you're living under the influence of good, but also, and I'm scared.
Eva: I'm really scared.
Kyley: Yeah.
Eva: Losing it all, you know, [01:19:00] I, yeah,
Kyley: And we have to, we have to try anyway.
Eva: exactly. Like there's no. I'm not, the other option isn't an option for me. Like not trying, it just doesn't make any sense. Yeah. There's like so much that I want to say about like the joy of being in a relationship with someone else. Also just like the feeling of, of trust and respect .
Kyley: I am so grateful that you're sharing this because just to reinforce what I said earlier, like you're, I mean I could cry again. It was when you said like living under the influence of good and like your whole body and energy was just like alive with the truth of that and I know we've talked a lot offline about how you know you [01:20:00] feel self conscious sometimes like you're gonna like you know irritate people or do harm by sharing like just how fucking happy you are and like honestly like something is like melting inside me right now it's like oh yeah baby girl like You are so good.
Eva: Yeah.
Kyley: Like, it's good, and you are good. And it's funny because obviously so much of my practice is like, it's okay to be bad. And then like, you know, it's okay if you're a monster, it's actually just you. And, um, and I'm sitting here and I'm feeling in my tears like, oh, my ultimate monster might be, you're good.
Eva: Wow. Kylie. Wow. Yeah.
Kyley: good, then I have to let all the love in, and that's fucking scary. I have no reason to keep it out anymore if I'm [01:21:00] good. And that's terrifying. And so, I just want to, like, I love you, and I'm so thankful for the way in which you are sharing this with us. Because There's something really beautiful for us in your joy and in your embodiment of it and in the invitation that you give us through it. And, uh, it's vulnerable to feel joy and it's fucking vulnerable to share your joy. Thank you.
Eva: Oh my goodness. Thank you, Kylie, for being a safe
Kyley: for being brave enough to fucking fall head over heels in love and crack yourself wide open to the universe and then come back and tell us about it.
Eva: Yeah, you know what, good on me. Like seriously, there are times where I was just like, I, I cannot, like, I, there's are moments of recognition of like, this was insane. This was fucking insane. What I did. Like, like I really put myself out there, you know? And then also [01:22:00] in a way, I don't say, I don't think I willed it, but meaning like there was, there was a part of me that was like, I will just keep saying yes to life.
Eva: And, there are some parts that were easy, you know, and also some parts that I think took real fucking guts and courage. And, um, yeah, but I do want to just asterisk what you said, and maybe we can explore that some more at some other time, but like, that you're, you're a real monster and your biggest monster is that I'm good.
Eva: Like, whoo, I was like, I felt that, I was like, damn, there's something, there's something in that.
Kyley: yeah. We'll report that.
Eva: Yeah.
Kyley: be a problem. Time out. Can you hear Nick banging downstairs? Okay, just checking.
Eva: Okay, nope.
Kyley: yesterday and our door that you can't hear that.
Eva: Zoom does a really good job of blocking out, like,
Kyley: great. Great. Great. I mean, he stopped, but okay. We came home yesterday and the lot that you couldn't, I couldn't actually get [01:23:00] out of the house. It was locked from the inside. Oh, Oh, I just, I
Eva: You just realized what happened?
Kyley: no, I can't, I've been getting this metaphor coming up a bunch of times. Okay. Maybe we can leave this in the podcast actually.
Kyley: Cause it's kind of a juicy little tidbit. I've been getting this, um, mess. I've been getting this message lately, like this vision over and over again. That's like, There, the, you, we rescue ourselves, which we all know, but I've been getting this image of like, you unlock the door from the inside. Like your, your, your heart, your inside your heart.
Kyley: You have the key. You just have to turn the key and open the door. Baby girl, like you open the door of your heart to let everything good come in. And I'm getting this image over and over again. I even act actually recently had this beautiful journey with a meditation where I had the key and like opened it and anyway.
Eva: How are you? I mean, how are you feeling? How am I feeling? I'm feeling pretty. And you have a I don't know. I feel like I have a [01:24:00] feeling now that this has been unlocked. This is the beginning, you know, and not, not the end, but I say that because I feel like I have so much more to say. I could, I probably could have so much more to say and also I don't know what to say.
Eva: So I don't know if you have any questions and if not, maybe we could just wrap it up.
Kyley: Okay, I have a question. A long, long time ago, a girl called me from her Airstream Taylor in big fat tears. about just everything feeling like shit. And I, we've talked about this on the podcast, but I remember you being like, this was supposed to be my Ypres love moment, right? So for listeners who don't know, Eva had, you know, broken up with her long term partner, which was very difficult, driven across country, arrived to live in this Airstream trailer.
Kyley: And, uh, it just felt like
Eva: I mean, the two birds flew in the day I was moving in and shit all over my pillow and everything was a mess and I call a [01:25:00] cry Kylie like in fucking tears. So me, that's the girl who was crying.
Kyley: Yes, yes, yeah, the green one, and you remember you said, like, this is supposed to be my eat, pray, love, like, what the fuck is happening? These birds are shitting on my pillow and everything,
Eva: Oh my god, it's so good when you can laugh you know like when you've come full circle and like the thing that feels so so hard is like hilarious. Like.
Kyley: I'm loving so much the, like, the delight of, like, but yeah, girl, actually, this, like, you declared that this was your eat, pray, love era of life, and actually, but actually,
Eva: It could not actually be closer to, like, holy fucking shit. And I actually haven't thought about that in a long time, but wow, like, what a ride.
Kyley: Here's my question, because I just wanted to crack up at like, actually you were casting the, you were casting the [01:26:00] spell of eat, pray, love, which as I pointed out to you, start with her sobbing on the bathroom floor. So, you know,
Eva: Mm hmm.
Kyley: what would you say to that girl with Birch on her pillow? Yeah.
Eva: Words of encouragement. Like, you know, now that I'm in this space. What I really would love to do is like shower love over that girl who was crying in the air scream and stream and shower love to anybody listening who's, who's in that crying on the, you know, the bathroom floor moment, which is like, you baby girl, baby boy, like have so much fucking magic in you.
Eva: You have. No fucking clue. Like, you, you have a feeling, and you, there are hints of it, and like, just keep moving towards that. Like, just like those feelings, those nudges, that love, the things that don't make sense, like, just keep trusting that, and following that, and follow [01:27:00] it, and follow it, and follow it, and follow it, and follow it, and it's just, and let it be.
Eva: delicious and sometimes it's gonna feel weird and off and wrong and you're not gonna know but like that magic man that magic that you know like is in life alive inside of you follow it like your life fucking dependent on it and that's what i would say to myself because i do i do think that there is that sense of like magic within me that whatever you want to call a feeling a belief a connection to god and it's really risky in some ways to follow that it's also risky not to But like just keep following that and then the other thing that came in which was actually like parallel It's a parallel message and I got this from Tom That's this question of like can it be that in this moment right now you can trust life [01:28:00] Which is a question that I ask myself all the time.
Eva: And it's like, it's like, it's kind of the question it's, it's coming back to that, what I talked about when I was in ceremony this weekend about like giving myself completely to love, like being living devotionally to life. It's like, it's ultimate trust. It's the highest form of trust. It's complete surrender, but it's hard to do because it feels really scary.
Eva: And it's like, and so, so what I love about this question is like, Now in this moment, in this moment, just now, could it be that I can trust life? And I've never had the answer be no. And, and that is it. Like, that's the whole, that's what all of this is like, trust that magic that I talked about is trust life. Like life has got you and you are life live in devotion to that life. And And I think when I say like, I want to say that to that girl right now, that who's like crying in her Airstream again, shit [01:29:00] on my pillow.
Eva: Even then, could you trust life? And I knew, I know that I would have looked up and seen everything around me. And it's like, yes, in this moment, even though I'm crying and whatever, like I can trust life. And I actually, in that moment, I really could because my best friend picked up the phone and walked me through, you know, some, some hard shit.
Eva: And I was like, when look at that, look at all the support, like, look at all of that support around me. And it's like, I think that's the whole game. You know, and I really, even as I say this, I'm inspiring myself to continuously live more in devotion to life, to just, to trust. Yeah. And it's so scary. And also like the other way is really painful.
Eva: Not trusting life is really painful. So
Eva: like, I really believe in magic y'all. I believe in consciousness. I have a God man, like life, like life has got our back.
Kyley: [01:30:00] Yeah, I love that. I love that so much.
Eva: Yeah, me too. I'll have to listen back to this when I forget. Yes.
Kyley: no one can do it for you and you can't, you're not meant to do it alone. You know,
Eva: Yeah.
Kyley: we got each other.
Eva: Thank you,
Kyley: Thank you for sharing. Thank you for sharing the preciousness of your life with us.
Eva: Yes, and thank you for holding the space because it's actually been, I didn't know how it was going to feel to like, let it all out and it's been amazing and now I'm excited because y'all, get ready. Buckle up. Like, there's so That's just like the beginning. I have so much more to share about these past six months in Brazil.
Eva: Like, it's been wild. Like truly, when I say wild isn't the land is wild and it's been mystical and it's been [01:31:00] intense and it's been so loving. And I don't know, it, it all just, yeah, it, something's clicking in me right now. I'm like, Oh, Oh, I'm, I'm meant to share this. Yeah, I get it. Like maybe I, I don't know, saying that now I'm like, does that seem obvious?
Eva: But I'm like, this is, this is all part of the magic and this is part of my magic. And, and if I want liberation for all, I think that's like part of my contribution. And I'm excited to share it with you guys. Cause it's really fucking good. So buckle up. Oh,
Kyley: I fucking love you friend.
Eva: I love you so much. I love you so much.
Kyley: On this episode of joy, should we do a round of joy?[01:32:00]
Eva: please. Now, I would love for you to go first or do you want me to go
Kyley: I got a great one. I got a great one. So, um, this week my kiddos are at my in laws all week because they requested their summer bucket list. They wanted a whole week at GG and bops. So that's where they are. Uh, and my
Eva: is so sweet, by the way.
Kyley: So sweet. And it's one of those things. I mean, I feel so blessed because both sets of grandparents like cannot get enough of their grandkids and are so attentive and so generous and so loving.
Kyley: And, and I do not, I, that is, that is not always the case. And I am just so grateful.
Eva: Mm-Hmm.
Kyley: And so they're off for the week away. And my husband, very uncharacteristically, um, has to work every night this week. So he has like a big thing on Friday. It's actually Thursday. It's like a very fun project for him. And so it's really cute.
Kyley: And he's like having a great time, but like he's not home for dinner any night this week. I don't cook y'all. So he went and he bought me all these little salad kits from Trader Joe's.
Eva: Oh, [01:33:00] that's
Kyley: Thank you. But as a result, I have had this whole week and I only had one client call scheduled this week. So like I have had, basically aside from the podcast, just this, like, I have this whole week just, just me,
Eva: Wow.
Kyley: anybody, anything.
Kyley: And it's been amazing and beautiful. And yesterday I drove to the ocean and. I sat there for a long time just like having a chat with her, having a chat with Spirit. And um, it's funny because I had been, for a couple of people this week, you were one of them, I'd shared this metaphor about, this metaphor kept coming up, about when you're wanting, when you go to jump in the water.
Kyley: And we were talking about, Whether you were ready to record this episode or not. And I, same thing, I used the same metaphor came up in two other instances this week of like, you're never more ready than you are now. And it's this energy of like, when you walk, go to wade into the water, I was joking, like, you got to get to the part where your [01:34:00] crotch is in.
Kyley: That's the worst part.
Eva: You gotta get past the crotchet, which is so true, so accurate.
Kyley: And then once you get past that point, like, you're never more ready. You're just like, fucking around and wasting time until you finally jump in. And that's fine, but like, you don't get more ready. You just wait. And at a certain point, you just have to decide that you're going to jump in the water. And so the story came up three times.
Kyley: And then I'm sitting there having this whole really deep, meaningful conversation with life. That's basically the essence of is, can I really trust you? Like, if I'm not so sure that I can trust you, even though I want to, and at a certain point, the whole time, the ocean is just looking at me like. You ready?
Eva: Mm-Hmm.
Kyley: cold. It was not a beach day. There was nobody on the beach. It was cold. It was kind of raining. And I was like, oh, fuck. I have to go jump in the ocean. I was so mad. And
Eva: mm-Hmm.
Kyley: I get used to being like, when you don't have to, but you [01:35:00] did kind of pick that this was the spell and it was just like, oh, it's so cold.
Kyley: And I like walked into, I took my like clothes off, I was wearing a bathing suit, and I like walked in and it was so cold, like my feet were just instantly ice.
Eva: Mm-Hmm.
Kyley: And the whole time life is like, you know, I mean, like, you don't have to, but like, you want to, which feels like a whole metaphor, right? Like, you don't have to suppress life, but you want to. And so I like ran out because I got too cold and then finally I was like, F k it. And I just booked it. I was like, just we're not stop. Just don't stop. And I
Eva: Don't fucking
Kyley: Hooked it, dove into the water, and I just heard, I often, the ocean always tells me something when I dive under the water. Always I hear a line or a phrase or a word, and I dove under the water, and she was just like, it's done, it's
Eva: Mm-Hmm. Wow.
Kyley: I'm going to dip her now. And then I made myself jump in a couple more times just for like, [01:36:00] dramatic
Eva: Good measure, yes.
Kyley: Yeah, yeah, exactly. Um, and actually to the point of joy, I drove in like, I'm a big fan, whenever I drive in the water for some reason, I like do it in threes. And so I did three times really, really fast. It's just still kind of standing in the water.
Kyley: And I was like, No, I'm going to do it one more time for joy.
Eva: Wow. Mm
Kyley: And it was like, the first three times felt like it was like, I can't spell fuck. I'm just go, go. And then it was like, no, I'm going to do it now. And I'm going to just like, relish the shock of the cold and the like, freedom of like being in the water.
Kyley: And yeah. And, uh, And then I, and then I drove home and got lunch, still damp, ate tacos and a margarita. And like a delicious little restaurant on the way home.
Eva: my god, that sounds so good,
Kyley: It was the best. It was the best. So the whole week is joy, but that was especially joyful. moment.
Eva: Oh, it does. I can, like, feel the [01:37:00] catharsis and all of that. And I love that you cast a spell, and I love your relationship with the ocean, and I love that she whispers wisdom to you, and I love the medicine of the fucking cold, dude. Like, that shit is, yeah, no fucking joke. It feels like, yeah. And it can feel like a spell. Yeah, and also I just love Yeah, like, what's that like for you, just having a week kind of to yourself? Like, the rarity of that. Like, really.
Kyley: it's so beautiful. It's so delicious. It's, it is also helping me see ways in which, uh, I am resistant to rest, right? Like there's moments where it's like, I mean, like, wait, there's, I don't have anything to do. And yet I'm still doing a lot of like buffer it. Like I'm finding myself doing a buffering thing where I'm like screwing around on my phone, which I will often do because I have like, I only have five minutes and, but I'm seeing now, I think I already knew, but I'm seeing now how, um, yeah, I just, I am [01:38:00] resistant to rest and my nervous system is just in, is just gently recalibrating around like less baby girl and like sunk, sink in, sink in deeper to what you're doing.
Kyley: Um, and so that is. I'm not surprised to see that, but that is, uh, that is interesting to observe because when you're, when you're really busy all the time, you, you, you can know that that's happening, but it's also really easy to just let it keep happening.
Eva: So it also takes time to recalibrate. Like, it's not a It's not realistic to expect that, like, yeah, they leave and then the next day you're already like, oh, I'm in relaxation mode. You have to, like, adjust, you know?
Kyley: Well, and I think actually even more so I think. Like, all of the events of this past year, which were, you know, pretty hard is that my nervous system got a big fucking shock and we have moved through some big, big, big, big shit this year. And I think, um, yeah, I just think, I think I'm, uh, yeah, I just think my [01:39:00] nervous system is still in, like.
Eva: Mm
Kyley: Uh,
Eva: Mm hmm.
Kyley: I'm more high alert state because of how intense this past year has been. And, and I, then I just have to, you know, it's just my. I'm setting the intention to like, which is the whole thing of like, can I trust life and a settled nervous system? Same, same, same, same, right? So
Eva: Yeah, same, same, same, same. Oh, I'm just so happy for you though. As someone who loves being alone, I'm like, yes, yes, yes. Yeah, good.
Kyley: yeah, no, I am. I am. It's, it's very, very, very delicious. So how about you, my friend? What's bringing you joy?
Eva: Oh my God. I'm so excited. I'm so happy you asked because I can finally fucking say it because I've been wanting every, every week for the past year, essentially. When you've asked me, what is bringing me joy? And I can finally say, I'm so happy. out loud that I am deeply, [01:40:00] madly, head over heels, butt crazy in love with Tom Compton.
Eva: And it is so joyful. It is so fun. And I'm, I'm, I'm in love. I'm deeply, madly, goo goo ga ga in love. And it is fun. And it is, love is some wicked fucking medicine, dude. And it's, it's like romantic love, but it's also. beyond, bigger than that. And we're also just like such good friends. Like, we call each other like love buddies.
Eva: He's my miracle boyfriend love buddy. He is my buddy here in love. Like, it is butterflies in the stomach, but also so fucking grounded, revolutionizing every part of my cell kind of love. And, um, I'm just going to ride this wave. Yeah, [01:41:00] I, I think I'm really, and I've, I think I love love and I think I'm like really a romantic and really owning that. And which is big, cause I used to be a cynic, you know, and I had like major avoidant issues. So it's nice to. Being in a place where I love love, being in love is a really amazing human experience. All right, everybody. Thank you so much for listening. And if you like the pod, share it with people, help spread the word, like, review. Yes. And it's review. We love that. And we love you.