In this month’s Advice Column Episode, we answer a deeply relatable question: If you’re feeling disconnected or in a low season of your journey as a human, what are some things you can do to feel a bit more peace with that?
In this month’s Advice Column Episode, we answer a deeply relatable question:
If you’re feeling disconnected or in a low season of your journey as a human, what are some things you can do to feel a bit more peace with that?
Do you feel stuck or confused and need some advice? Is there something troubling you that you'd like us to weigh in on? We can support you!
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Kyley: [00:00:00] Okay. This week's question, if you're feeling disconnected or in a low season of your journey as a human, what are some things you can do to feel a bit more peace with that? I love this question.
Eva: I know. Basically, we love all the questions you all send us. So please keep sending us questions. They're good.
Kyley: And I want to have you answer it first, because I'm really eager to hear what you have to say. I just want to say how much I love the way the question is written, because I'm recognizing that this person is saying they're not asking to [00:01:00] not feel low. They're asking to have more compassion and peace with where they are.
And I think already that's a genius fucking
Eva: Exactly. To me, that already shows the evolution of like, sometimes, uh, it's, it's okay to not be okay, right? Like, because there's this phase that we can be where it's like, no, no, no, like, if I'm not okay, I have to make myself okay. And then I think there can be, there's wisdom in saying, actually, no, sometimes I'm not okay.
And that's also okay. But how can I make peace with that? Yeah. So, What comes to mind is the most recent low season that I was in was when I went through my breakup with Adam about a year ago. And that sounds out because it was low. I mean, it was also like, oddly beautiful. It was strange, right? Because like, as we talked about before on this podcast, like, Different things can exist at exactly the same time, but yeah, it was a time of like real grief I was grieving this relationship.
I had oh my god I will never forget [00:02:00] moving out of that fucking house by myself was truly one of the hardest things ever like looking back And I was on my period and it sucked and then I was just sad I was just really sad and kind of scared and you know figuring things out. So what helped me in that moment was just I think there's actually grace in saying, like, not in a, um, defeated, flopping over like a fish kind of way, but like, grace in saying, this, too, belongs.
Like, we will have times of, yeah, I don't know, whatever it could be, sadness, difficulty, grief, depression in our lives. And I actually think so loving and kind to say, that. There's space for this instead of needing to make it. Wrong [00:03:00] or bad or needing to like change it right away Because it's basically giving ourselves grace for having the full human experience And it's also like way less stressful actually in some ways like instead of being like, hey, let me fix this now Let me fix this now.
It's like no no how I don't know There's something so compassionate to me about that that this too belongs but of course the fear immediately is that we think okay, what if I say that and it's gonna stick around forever and You know, I would just ask you to challenge people to challenge that. That's what you feel, because I don't actually think that that's true.
Kyley: Oh, yeah, I just love what you're saying. And I think
we live in this culture that puts so much pressure on being good, like feeling good as if, as, as, as a marker of value as
Eva: Success. Yeah.
Kyley: six, yeah, evidence of your success. And obviously like it feels fucking good to feel good. And what an insane expectation that we wouldn't [00:04:00] feel like shit sometimes,
Eva: Yeah,
Kyley: you know, being a human is really complicated.
And I think when I think about the times in my life where my grief or despair or, you know, difficult emotions lasted the longest, it's always because I was, I was making them wrong in some way. You know, it's always because I was in some way trying to push, even if intellectually, I was like, it's okay. But on, on a deeper, I was really trying to not feel them, make them wrong, make them, they were felt inconvenient.
Maybe they felt really scary. And I just, I didn't want to feel them because I was scared of what I would feel.
Eva: Or shame. Shame is another one I feel in there. Like I shouldn't feel this way. Like, like I'm, I'm failing, you know, if I feel this way.
Kyley: Yeah. Yeah. Right. Or like other people have it worse. So I should be fine.
Eva: That's a fun one. Yeah. [00:05:00] Yeah.
Kyley: Or like another big thing that I think can happen is like, well, I don't understand why I'm feeling this so intensely, right? Like you have a boss at work once. They're just like, Oh my God, the man got under my skin.
Right. It was just like, I mean, I would like cry a lot about this boss. And it was like, what's it about? I wasn't crying about my boss. I was crying about a three year old, a three year old Kylie was crying. Right. And, and, and I think, I, I think sometimes when feelings are really big. And they feel like kind of outsized to the like material moment in our life.
We're really prone to make them wrong. Like, like, like, there's no reason for me to feel this way or, and all of that stuff, which is totally a protective measure. Always makes the feelings stick around. I mean, if you think about your feelings as a three, as three year olds, like the [00:06:00] fast, as a mother of a four year old, the fastest way to get a, you know, a toddler to like dig their heels in is to try to just like make them wrong.
Right. And so, um, uh, all the ways in which we try to protect ourselves by not feeling or rejecting or making wrong, or talking over our feelings. They just stick around for longer. Yeah.
Eva: to that point about like, oh, you know, actually like this too belongs and making room for it. And, you know, like it actually. Like, I don't think you can do it with an agenda, but I do find that it is actually making space for it that allows things to move through more quickly. And as you're speaking to, like, what we persist, you know, what we, they always say, whatever, what we resist persists, but also what we judge persists.
Like, it's the same thing. So that's kind of what I'm hearing you speak to. Like, if we judge it, if we're an asshole to ourself, then we feel more shame and then, yeah, it just sticks around for longer.
Kyley: And I want to offer, I think this, this listener in the [00:07:00] wording of their question, I don't hear a lot of judgment. I actually feel a lot of acceptance that like, okay, sometimes you feel low. And, and I want, I want to make peace with that rather than how do I make, again, as I said in the beginning, what the question is and how do I make it go away, which is a fair thing because sometimes.
The feeling that you need to feel is how pissed you are that you're depressed, right? Like, like that can be very valuable. So if you are feeling, Oh, I just want this to go away. Great. Feel how much you want it to go away. Feel your resentment and your frustration. That's valid. And, um, and I don't actually, but I, but I want to speak specifically to.
I don't hear a lot of judgment in this question. And so perhaps what might be happening is the fear of what is in the feelings, right? The way that we just, and this can be very subconsciously driven. So we don't realize we're doing it, but we just kind of like clam up around the feelings because. We're scared of them and [00:08:00] so we're protecting ourselves from feeling them.
Um, maybe because they seem so big, they might overwhelm us, or maybe because, um, like, to your point, like, there's some really gnarly things in there, like shame. So I just would invite you to notice When you might be, um, kind of buffering on the feeling and to what word you always use, I bring a lot of compassion to that because perhaps you are scared. That's again, super valid. Um, but compassion can help you go into the place because it's always actually. Compassion is the thing that allows it to be fine that it's here, and also it's the thing that moves it. It's both.
Eva: Yeah. Compassion is so powerful. I mean, yeah. It's like the only thing. Yeah. There's a Byron Katie quote where she says, the only thing that can dissolve ego is love.
Kyley: Mm.
Eva: that's true. It's just so therefore. So I think this brings us to like part [00:09:00] two of this question. It's first, it's just like, okay, yep. This too belongs making space for everything that you're, everything that you're feeling is valid. Even the resistance is valid. Like all of it's valid. I mean, I really think it's maybe a simple question. It's just like, okay, well, and also what do you need, but for me, going back to my example of like, when I was going through a low period, um, there are so many things that are helpful, but like, at the core, what I needed was just to be really kind and gentle to myself, like when you're going through a low period, I don't know, because I think the default we're just so mean to ourselves
Kyley: Mm.
Eva: and consciously, or like, yeah. Yeah, we're sad. So we should treat ourselves with like a lot of kindness. And, but I think we tend to do the opposite. And so, you're kind of going through, in that moment, self compassion, self love, self kindness, gentleness bootcamp. [00:10:00] Like, what are you meant to learn in that moment? It could be that you're meant to learn, like, self compassion and gentleness.
Maybe for other people it's a different lesson, but do you know what I'm saying? Like, there's a lesson here for you, and whatever that lesson is, that's the bootcamp that you're in at that moment. Mm hmm.
Kyley: You know, I love what you're saying because it's also making me think about how I think a lot of us are primed when we feel more complicated emotions, immediately it kicks off the story about how about about badness. I've watched this myself do it. I've watched a lot of us do it. And I think for a lot of us, it comes from the ways that we were, um, like basically.
Only our quote unquote good emotions were safe as kids, or you could be happy, but you couldn't be pouty, you couldn't whine, you couldn't be angry, and so you learned like some of these are valid and some of these are bad, and so, and I say that because I think one of the things that can happen is we have a period in life where we feel sad, or we feel fear, or we feel anger, and [00:11:00] That's that can be uncomfortably grief can be really uncomfortable to sit with and feel.
And then on top of it, we get the secondary thing where it's like, just because you're feeling grief, this thing triggers. It's like, and also you're bad for being sad. Um, and And I think it's, I think that is so, so common that it's just like this, um, like symptom or like a knee jerk reaction to sadness is that this story slaps down.
It's like, and also see how terrible we are just for being sad.
Eva: Totally. It's wrong, basically.
Kyley: wrong. And you're wrong. And here's another example of how you're wrong because you're sad. And, and they're just like married together in this weird way. It doesn't need to be true because if they, if we, if you. If we let them fall apart, we've talked about this on the show before sadness can be actually really beautiful opportunity to feel love.
Right. And anger, which is often triggered by us feeling [00:12:00] powerless can be a really profound way of us tapping into how strong and powerful we are. Right. So, but it's hard to touch that and feel that if we, um, if we're too wrapped in the store in the subconscious often story that You are feeling bad things.
Therefore you are bad.
Eva: Mm hmm. And how will you know if you're, if you're, if you have any of these, like, stories that are unconscious? Just notice tension. Truly, I'm always pointing to this, y'all, like, you're feeling tension, like, it tells you, like, that's, that's the key, like, you're, you're, there's something in your inner world going on where you are, um, yeah, some, like, something is out of alignment, meaning, like, you're being hard on yourself or have some sort of judgment or, or something.
There's something Mean going on in there,
Kyley: Yeah.
Eva: or yeah, maybe not anyway, but yeah, the attention will point you to, I think what your story is [00:13:00] and, um, and I do think that, well, okay, so what you're saying about how, like, sadness can be, um, an opportunity to practice more love and what did you say? Anger is an opportunity to practice,
Kyley: I was going to clarify. It's not that it's not practice. So I think there's two things. One is that sadness can be an opportunity to practice love because we can be compassionate with ourselves in the sadness. And so we can actually like in, in, it can be a practice of like, okay, I feel sad. So I need to give myself love.
Eva: right? I think that I think that's what I'm speaking to. Yeah. So you're speaking to something else. Yeah.
Kyley: And that is true. And also, I think if we really feel like if we're sad, we're grieving and you really give yourself permission to deeply feel your grief. You will watch how it feels like love.
Eva: I see. Okay. We're talking about. Yes. Okay. Two, two separate things. Okay.
Kyley: Parallel, I think one can, [00:14:00] one, they're more on a continuum almost, right? One feeds into the other and, um, uh, you know, an obvious example, it's like if you're grieving because someone you love has died, that you're literally, your tears are your experience of how much you love them. And without the, without the story that, If your sadness is too much and inappropriate and bad and wrong, then you actually get to just experience your grief.
And in that you might touch a moment of feeling that actually really transcendent and it's, and it's love.
Eva: Right. Right. So what you're talking about is like, basically the shortcut term that we often use on this show is like emotional alchemy. It's like, go in and feel and be with this whole experience. And that oftentimes is a transformative can be a transformative open heart opening experience. And so, so yes, like, yeah, I think it is.
Well, it's still [00:15:00] an opportunity, I think, to like, feel your, really learn how to feel your feelings and be present with, completely, an unconditional love with like, what is your internal experience. So I think that's like, one part. And also, going back to the part that you spoke to earlier, which I think I was speaking to, was like, when I was feeling really down, I like, Yeah, I mean there was crying and, and you were on the receiving end of that, Kylie. Like we tell the stories sometimes on the show about how I was in my Airstream trailer in Austin and the birds had flown in and shit on my pillow. And I was so sad and I cried and I called you and you were like, yeah, this is it.
Like this is, this is the eat, pray, love moment. And it, and sometimes it doesn't feel good and that, and that's okay. There's nothing wrong with that. Um, so there are moments like that. But then I think I really. This year ventured on a journey of like deeper self love as a result of feeling sad and like, I'm so grateful for that.
I'm like, [00:16:00] Oh my God, like I love myself so much more now because I had to, because I, because I love myself through a difficult time. And how beautiful is that? Like that was such a gift. And so I think there can be a gift at the end of this is like, you're in a low period and how you respond to that. Um, can be a gift for you, like what a blessing, you know,
Kyley: Yeah, I feel like in any moment we are invited to. Open ourselves more up or we can close up and listeners, I'm saying this with my arms crossed and like my body curled in around me. So, like, this isn't a, like, everyone just be open all the time.
Eva: right? Right.
Kyley: You know, like, we're all doing all of the things, but, but I think.
One of the things that really helps me when it's like a bigger chapter of things being fucking hard, you know, like two summers ago was one of those moments for me. And, um,[00:17:00] part of it, it was, for me, as I always, I think have a framing that to your point, like this is an initiation into loving myself more.
And, and I want that for myself. I might not want the like obstacles that have appeared in front of me, right. But also I At this point, and this is only because I've been through it enough times, but at this point I trust. That I will, you know, the tide comes in, the tide comes out. And so I trust when the tide changes that I will love myself more deeply than I did.
Eva: Yeah.
Kyley: that it's happened enough that I have a deep that's like, that feels, um, like a pretty deep faith inside of me. And so it's okay if you don't have a super deep faith around that, cause it's a newer thing for you. And also I just offer that framing that if the [00:18:00] tide is out. That can be an opportunity for you to just be learning how to love yourself more deeply.
And so then when the tide comes in, you'll just have more joy because you will have increased your capacity all around.
Eva: Yeah. Yeah.
Kyley: then the next time the tide goes out, you'd be like, Oh yeah, I know how this goes. Okay. And then you might, you, and then eventually I think what happens is we have deeper access to the joy of the tide going out. Right.
Eva: exactly. And not as much fear and just trust in the whole process and also seeing how it's all happening for me. Like I see how things are happening for me that okay. You know, like, yeah, difficult things are happening for me and I Say that even knowing like, I don't want these difficult things to happen, but I,
Kyley: be, um,
Eva: but I actually think life is kind in that way.
Kyley: and, you know, and I think there's a part of me that feels [00:19:00] even a little nihilistic. That's like, maybe life is neutral. Right. I mean, I do.
Eva: Well, it's more like I choose to believe that, like it's like a game and I, and I want to live as if it's all happening for me and I get to make that choice and it's makes it for me a lot easier. Oh,
Kyley: the opportunity. Yeah. Me choosing like the ways in which I have chosen myself. When the tide is out, they never let me down. Right? So even if you, even if you, one of the things I like to say about my work is like, I don't actually give a shit what you believe, right? Like belief isn't an important part of the process, meaning like you can be Christian, you can be atheist.
Um, um, but. But it's never, I have, the journey of choosing myself has never let me down. And so if you are in a moment where things feel low, [00:20:00] things feel heavy, maybe a guiding question for you can be like, what does it look like for me to choose myself now? And now, and now, yeah.
Eva: that is so good. And okay. So I'm gonna like absorb that for a minute and like let the wisdom of that settle in. I think that is like our path. Every moment, really, right? But I do actually think when we're in a low period that there is kind of like, it can be an initiation to choose ourselves, especially when we're low, right? But, so I want to like sit in the genius of that and follow that up with also, it's also tricky to see what is, what is choosing myself look like? And I think that's where this is a practice and just, yeah, you just have to like, Practice knowing yourself and being honest with yourself and trying out new things because I have seen so I think it'll be okay if I share this on the on the podcast about Adam, my ex, because we're still really good friends. And, [00:21:00] you know, I've shared this before and he's always been okay with it. But when he was depressed, essentially, his version of choosing himself was He thought it was like continual fixing.
He's like, I'm depressed. So I need to like, do all, I need to do this. I need to do this. I need to do this. I need to do this. It's only in hindsight now that he sees like, Oh wait, that was just, that was misguided and a little misinformed. And actually what I needed to do was love myself more, but he was trying to like fix himself to death.
And so I think it just takes a little bit of trial and error and now he knows that and he can see that more clearly, but you know, I've talked and I'm on here, we keep, I keep using self love as an example of like, okay. For me, in that moment of like being down in a low period, my lesson was like, how can I love myself more? Um, but for this person, it could be like, well, how can I like for more rest? And, but it's, we're just still actually self love, but let's just say like, you know, it could be different for every person. Maybe you're feeling really low or, and I don't, I don't mean the person who's asking you to be someone who's depressed.
[00:22:00] And maybe in that moment, what you need to do is like, I need to allow myself just to sleep for like, um, and like, not do anything for a while and like, just really go into my feelings and be a blob for a while and that's what choosing you looks like. It's gonna look different for every person, you know?
Kyley: Yes. And also, um, you're, you're kind of making me think about how, when we're in a low period, I think we have a higher tendency to do disassociative things, right? Like where we're like scrolling our phone, like our screen time goes up or whatever, whatever. And I want to really explicitly not make that wrong.
Because I think, especially if we're in the world of like spirituality and personal development, we start to get low, we start to pull on our disassociative tools, and then we are just an asshole to ourselves about it. And that doesn't help. And so I want to offer. Obviously I love emotional alchemy. It's my whole, it's the whole world to me, right?
Is the [00:23:00] profoundness of feeling your feelings. And also I constantly make choices about, I constantly am doing disassociative things, but I think a really cool thing can happen when we are intentional about it. Right. Which is just to say, no, that there's a whole bunch of sludgy feelings right there. I don't, I'm not, I don't, I don't feel resourced right now.
So I'm going to put them in the shelf and I'm going to go over here and I'm going to watch this superhero movie. And, and I, I just want to give permission to that because I think for so many of us, when we feel low, we are vicious to ourselves and it doesn't help.
Eva: No. No. Well, I think what you're s Yes, but I think what you're speaking to is, yeah, I think disassociation sometimes is like, really helpful. It's a tool. It's like, it's, it's also, I don't actually think there's anything. Well, I think what you're speaking to is like, I don't actually think disassociation is helpful when it's unconscious and also like, so I don't want [00:24:00] to make it wrong, but I, cause I, but I think what you're speaking to does require a level of like, self awareness of being like, Oh, I'm sure this is an intentional choice that I'm making and, and then, and that's okay.
Um, and I
Kyley: Even if it starts out unconscious, right. Even if you just mindlessly are scrolling and it's been 20 minutes and then you're like, Okay, do I want to keep doing this? Do I want to make a different choice?
Eva: yes, of
Kyley: feel like shit. All I have resource for is more of these memes. Okay.
Eva: totally. Exactly. And that can feel wonderful. Sometimes speaking also from experience, right? Um, but, then I think also what you're speaking to is like when you catch yourself not shitting all over yourself because then that just like creates the shame spiral. So, I don't know. Yeah. What do you think? Anything else you would
Kyley: I have a follow up question for you, which is not explicit in this, but I just think is really common for people who get in low periods. Um, I think for a lot of people, when they're in a low period, That inner [00:25:00] critic gets so mean, like that voice that is loudest is not a nice voice. And I'm wondering if you have specific advice or framing if someone feels like kind of really trapped by their own inner monologue or inner critic.
Eva: Yeah, sorry. I don't know. I'm quiet. I feel like a really big, like good question and a really big question and I want to pause for a second and be like, I don't know if you feel like it's worth me mentioning. I think so. And I can, if it is, then I can like speak to it. But like, I feel like there's different layers to this.
Cause I, I was thinking back on my own experiences of like having like an intense, like inner critic. And, um, sometimes it's so intrusive that you just like need to get on medication. That's where my mind went. My mind went to being like, wait, is that what you're talking about? That level of like, you're, you're, the word that you used I thought was interesting.
You were like, you're like trapped in it or something.
Kyley: yeah,[00:26:00]
Eva: Is that, is that to the level that you're speaking of?
Kyley: I mean, I, I do think medication can be super helpful. And. Also, I find with my own experiences of when I've had support from medication is it takes the edge off. It doesn't actually like. You know, it doesn't actually, like, maybe it goes, it doesn't make it go away. Right. And so, yes, I do think that's a really good point that if you feel kind of at the mercy of a really harsh inner critic in a way that does feel like being trapped, yeah.
Or any of this, right. If you're having a hard time, let's just make, we've said this on the show before, but let's just give the explicit plug for medication's fucking great if it's great for you.
Eva: Totally, yeah, exactly.
Kyley: just think in spiritual circles, sometimes that turns into a whole thing where it's like you're more spiritual.
Some of the deepest trauma work that I have done is because I was also on medication that created a safety in my body to go into the places that were previously way too fucking scary to
Eva: Oh,
Kyley: So, like,
Eva: We're pro.
Kyley: support you
Eva: Yeah, we're pro. Getting the support that you [00:27:00] need without judgment. Um, I think, I think what's happening in the spiritual communities, which I, I can get is that when we become depe, like where we become like abusing this or like it, it kind of just puts a bandaid over the problem but doesn't really solve it.
I think there, there is that concern and I get it, but I also think there's a responsible like, healthy way to use medication.
Kyley: You know, it's interesting actually was just writing a whole long email about this. I, I think that there's. This is a tangent from this question. Welcome to HeliUniverse. No one's surprised that there's a tangent. But I think that there's, um. There was support that we give ourselves. That's relaxation. It's actually not probably not a tangent to this question, actually.
Um, I think there's support and tools and practices that are like relaxation and maintenance order ordered, and then there's trauma work and trauma release work. And I think that sometimes those 2 get confused, right? So I was talking to someone recently, and they were talking about, [00:28:00] like, all of these really great practices they have around, like, um.
Uh, basically they're all relaxation tools and like they're great tools and also if you're, if what's activated for you is actually really deep trauma, relaxation isn't going to move that
Eva: Yeah. Mm-Hmm
Kyley: right? And so similarly, I think medication is like a really powerful tool. As soon as you. Also, I think it can be this really profound thing that can help us get, get to a neutral or regulate or create a safety that allows us to go in.
But if what is activated for you is like really deep trauma and you take medication. Without trauma release work, I find that the place where we end up stuck, right? And that the, the medication is just limited in how much it can help us because it's not a real, it's not designed for release, right? It's [00:29:00] designed for relief.
Um,
Eva: love that distinction. Oh, I love that distinction, yeah. Yeah, and really medication, I think, when used in tandem with other supportive methods of facilitation or whatever, that's when it's, like, really great. Yeah, but, yeah. Yes.
Kyley: And sometimes, sometimes you're like, I just get me a lifeline, right? Sometimes it's like, it's the first step and then you take, you just keep taking baby steps. Right. Um, but, but I think, I think it's important to know if you are having, if you are in a low period. Um, if some of it's about trauma and if that's true, does it feel nourishing or available to you to do some deeper work around releasing that and, and giving yourself that permission in that space?
Because I do think a lot of us feel, I don't think we're actually told the story that often that we get to release the shit,
Eva: [00:30:00] Yeah. Yeah.
Kyley: there's a lot about fixing it. But we're still in the fixing it to your support story about Adam and in the fixing, we're often still carrying it.
Eva: Oh, yeah. Fixing. I mean, I gotta try. Yes. Fixing, I feel like, is not the same thing as processing.
Kyley: Oh, I
Eva: not, not in the way that I was speaking
Kyley: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I think, I think fixing energy is often has like an escape. Five to it doesn't help us in the long run.
Eva: To your question though about I mean, can you repeat the question again? Like what?
Kyley: Yeah. I mean, I just think, um, when we're having a low period where we're having a hard time, I think our inner critic can get really activated and can be extra loud and it can be, it can be the loudest voice that we hear. And so I think my question was, how do we take care of that if [00:31:00] it's happening for us?
Eva: Yeah,
Kyley: And I ask you specifically because I do think you just have so much wisdom about, like, being pals with our mind. Heh heh heh.
Eva: Yeah, and also I think like just from personal experience like when I look back like I've mentioned this on the show before I used To hate myself. I was filled with so much self loathing and I was like and this is a really common thing of children Who grew up with alcoholic parents? It's like a known thing.
We are like viciously fucking brutal. So I mean, to me, I don't know if there's like a I mean, I'd be curious to know what you say. I know you have a lot of wisdom on this too, but it's not like an overnight thing. I think there have been so many things that have been helpful. But, um, I think the first step is to identify what you're actually thinking, because I think so much of it is low grade.
It just runs. underneath in the background and we don't even freaking notice that we're unconscious to it. And that's when it's the scariest. And sometimes there have [00:32:00] been moments like when I, you know, all of us have had it. We're like, Oh my God, like I'm thinking that I'm, I'm saying that to myself 24 seven.
I didn't even know it. So I think awareness is a really big first step. And I think once you start to become aware of what you're, the language that you're using with yourself and. The way that you're talking to suffer, what the intrusive thoughts are, then there's like a gazillion different tools. That's it.
That's where I think tools can come in actually be really helpful. Like, I think I'd actually do think meditation is, is incredibly important because it can help you develop that compassion for yourself of like directing kindness towards the parts of you that are suffering. And I also think, you know, for me. Um, there is, you know, I do like the work and a lot of like mindset stuff or maybe a baby version of this that people might be more familiar with, like, with, um, in therapy, which is like what started me off when I was young was like, uh, cognitive behavioral therapy, like that, that kind of thing. I think that's [00:33:00] kind of like the elementary route.
And then you kind of kind of like build on that. But I think, yeah. Noticing what those thoughts are, and if you can't get out of them yourself, having an outside source to sort of also help you, whether that's like a coach or a therapist, um, can be really crucial because sometimes if you're really stuck in it, you can't get your out of it.
You can't get yourself out of it, right? You can't get yourself out with the same thinking, or there's a, there's that saying that you said,
Kyley: Yes. Yes. Yes. If you can't like you, if you're, you can't think your way out of thinking, right? So if your inner
Eva: with the same type of thinking that you have.
Kyley: right, right. So if your inner critic is like having a field day telling you what a piece of shit you are and then you try to come up with, you know, the counter argument, which is what most of us do.
I mean, Eric Cartola has a great example about this. Right. And he talks about like, that's actually, that's actually insane. That's just two voices [00:34:00] yelling at each other. Right. Right. Right. Um, and. And so I think I really appreciate your point about when it's unconscious. Cause I think for a lot of us, I mean, I've shared this on the podcast before, but a million years ago, before our podcast, when you were my coach, I remember I can still remember being in my shower and was like my brain.
24 seven is coming up with to do lists like that was my brain. That was the tape running. The ticker tape in my brain was just fucking to do lists for God knows how long. And I didn't even did not even know it. Um, and, and I think, oh, you're going to say something.
Eva: I mean, not to be super obnoxious, but I'm really like, if this is something that you struggle with, I think you should just like sign up to work with me because I'm like, I can give you all the tools, but I can't like tell you, explain to you here, like in an episode. And then. Supposedly mini episode.
Kyley: we want Eva. Yes. Yes. If this is
Eva: Eva coming through. Yeah. Yeah.
Kyley: You'll hire [00:35:00] Eva.
Eva: Because there are actually like practical things that you can do that can transform the way that your brain works where you can change the relationship that you have with your brain and your dialogue just takes practice.
Kyley: And I think part of it is also, um, having the ability to distance yourself from identifying with the inner critic. I think one of the, a lot of suffering for us comes in so closely identifying with our inner critic that the voice that says you're a piece of shit. We're like, well, that's, that is me.
I am the one saying that I am the one who is that. And I think. The way that you hold people. And I think the, like so much of the spiritual journey in general is about like creating some space from any of our stories, but especially the ones that have a lot of suffering. Um, so that when these questions pop up, we don't have to then have a counter argument.
We actually just get to have like space.[00:36:00]
Eva: Yes. So beautifully said. Would you add anything to that? I'm actually curious to know what you think.
Kyley: I think that was honestly my main thing was that was thinking about, as you were answering, it was really just feeling how much that if we're, if we're in suffering that has a lot of mental churn and we're in a low period that involves a lot of like anxiety, if you have a lot of anxiety, this is what we're talking about.
What people call anxiety is what we're talking about. Right. Um, uh, that. The, the space to create some emotional identity, like some, some distance from your mind is really important. And not from a place of gaslighting, right? Not from a place of like, Oh, just stop thinking that, or like, Oh, that's not, that doesn't, that's not real.
Eva: Exactly. Yeah.
Kyley: Cause that doesn't actually make anything go away.
Eva: Yeah. I mean, I really think it's a really profound experience when you begin to realize that you're not your thoughts, but you're the awareness [00:37:00] beyond your thoughts. That's the thing, the space that I hear you speaking to is like, you're just not so not identified with. You don't have to believe everything that you think, basically.
Kyley: Oh my God. What freedom is that?
Eva: Oh my god, it is like, oh, it's so fucking liberating. Like, it is, yeah, the juice, as you like to say.
Kyley: I, for the record, I hated that phrase for so long and Liz Simpson just said it so fucking much. But now I say it. This
Eva: mean, I love it. It's great. It's the juice. It's like a great umbrella term for everything that is just good and
Kyley: just laughing because people say that, like, clients say that to me literally all the time. They're like, this is what you would say, the juice. And I'm like, it's not even my phrase. I resisted it for so long.
Eva: Oh, yeah. All right.
Kyley: what you resist persists, including the juice becoming your, your
Eva: What you're known [00:38:00] for. Yeah, your signature phrase. All right, friends. Um, if If you liked this, if you have a question, Kylie and I would be so honored to be able to support you. So, we like the existential, spiritual questions, and we also like the gossipy ones. And I don't think we've gotten enough of the gossipy ones.
We want to know, like, the advice that you need with your, like, boyfriends, cousins, moms, drama, whatever. And you need some advice, um, hit us up at our advice column episodes, we'll be doing these minis for, I don't know, as long as it feels good. So, you can send your questions to our email, um, which is in the show notes, or you can DM Kylie and I on Instagram.